It's far worse than we had imagined…

by Brian McKim & Traci Skene on May 31st, 2006

Of all the nights to have DSL problems!

Last Comic Standing… where do we begin…

Let’s get this straight: Larry Reeb and Jimmy Pardo didn’t make it out of Chicago? And a college student who said “fuck” did. Hmmm…

It is worth noting that the Douchebag of the Week, Terry Morrow, who, writing for the Scripps Howard News Service on the premiere of LCS, said the following, after noting the insertion of Bil Dwyer (and other professional comedians) into LCS:

Don’t these people have agents who can get them work?

Including them in the process is more than unfair as they stand beside undiscovered comedians.

Yes, Terry, they do have agents who can get them work. And this is the work they have procured for them. And fine work it is. (Let’s see… as of 10 PM Eastern Daylight Time tonight, Bil Dwyer can say that he’s been on NBC, in primetime. I’d say that the agents have done their job.)

Our friend Mr. Morrow is of the opinion that this is an amateur contest. Far from it. The folks who made the most hay after their appearances in Seasons II and III were experienced, professional and polished for the most part.

It is a pity that Messrs. Read and Mark haven’t gotten the message. Why this desire to promote this thing as a yahoo amateur contest? We’re not clear as to why this can’t be a clash of seasoned professionals who are all good at what they do. Instead of a dicey sideshow where a part-time student might take all the marbles. Have they not learned their lesson from Season I’s Mr. Phan?!

We get ahead of ourselves.

Did you catch that opening? Anthony Clark telling us that Alonzo Bodden and John Heffron have gone on to wild success. Anyone notice who was missing? That’s right– your season one winner Dat Phan!! Talk about your Dat diss!

What is up with Anthony Clark? Makes us appreciate Jay Mohr. (Never thought we’d see that come out of our fingertips.) Is Robert Smigel doing the lips and Anthony doing the voice? (Memo to NBC execs: Just let Triumph do the honors next season… if there is one.)

So far, we’re looking like geniuses… or at least our sources are. Our readers may recall that we reported that the following folks would make it to the house:

Bil Dwyer
Gabriel Iglesias
Chris Porter
Ty Barnett
Joey Gay
Josh Blue
Stella Stolper
Roz
Michele Balan
Rebecca Corey
April Macie
Kristin Key

And what is with the Capital One Audience Favorite thing? Instead of rewarding a comic with $1,000 credit card, just forgive the comic $1,000 in debt that he/she undoubtedly has racked up on his/her Capitol One card!)

And, to refresh the memory: The following were eventually kicked out of the house:

Stella Stolper
Joey Jay
Bil Dwyer
April Macie
Gabriel Iglesia

And what is with Jim Wiggins and John Roy?

Roy: Star Search winner… the modern era… not the Ed McMahon era… (the one where Naomi Judd embarassed herself by saying that she just didn’t get Ben Bailey)… He comes back and whores out for another crapshoot TV show? (Apparently Star Search did even less for Mr. Roy than LCS Season I did for Mr. Phan.) Note to Mr. Roy: Spare us the sermon about how “a comedian has to say something.”

Wiggins: The “alternate” from the second LCS season who flew in from Bullfrog’s in Topeka when Jim Norton was aced because of “conflicts”? Why ever did he come back to the same show?

We’re not sure why Messrs. Read and Mark insisted on making standup comics in general look like psychotics (or, at the very best, misfits and losers). We’re not sure why Buck Star was trotted out again and again. Star lacks even the appeal of William Hung.

There were a lot of folks who were obviously spared the ignominy of standing in line… the ones who were undoubtedly bumped up in front of the line and given some sweet primetime exposure, along with the old “up close and personal” video background package. You could tell which one they were by the relative inanity of the question that Mark or Read asks. To wit: “How did the name ‘Flip’ come about?” (Asked of Flip Schultz) And, asked of Marc Price, “What show were you on?” (Where were ReadMark when Family Ties dominated the ratings and the popular culture?) We doubt that, to this day, even Michael Gross has to actually pay for his dry cleaning.) These guys hafta ask which show Skippy was on? Not only that, but Price has been actually doing standup for more than a decade!

And, to bring on Gabriel Iglesias, just after the voiceover from ReadMark said, “It’s an open call…anyone can just stand in line,” is preposterous. We’re not sure which the biggest insult is: To Iglesias (for obvious reasons), or to our intelligence (because we know that Iglesias has been “tracked” for some time now and has high-powered management and representation.)

And they ask Bil Dwyer how long he’s been doing comedy. Where the hell have they been? Are we to believe that Ross Mark doesn’t have OmniPop on his Rolodex? Dwyer’s has been hosting one cable show or another for the past seven or eight years!

Here’s why we’re automatically sour on the entirety of the proceedings: ReadMark watches Chris Porter and says (while putting Porter through to the next round), “You could totally play a character in a sitcom.” Hello? The name of the show is not Next Actor Standing. It is (ostensibly) about standup. (Recall all those promos where the voiceover says, “The search continues for the funniest person in America!”) The show has jumped the shark in the opening minutes! (Of course, the winner is eventually given an NBC development deal, of course, but they could at least put up a good front.)

NOTE: Nothing against Mr. Porter. He may well be funny and have acting chops and all, but, in the context of a show called “Last Comic Standing,” ReadMark makes no mention of his relative funniness and instead zeroes in on the sitcom thing.

Doug Benson doesn’t make it into the house? (At least, not according to our sources.) We’ve seen The Marijuanalogues. That would have made for some pretty wiggy reality television if Mr. Benson was mixing it up with the folks on the Queen Mary. Talk about your missed opportunities! It would have been escape from reality television!

And why, oh why, did Nikki Payne say that she was so nervous/thrilled to be in the presence of so many great comedians? Nikki: We just saw you in Montreal last year (or was it the year before?)! Some people will say anything with a camera pointed at them.

What is with Ross Mark’s “Get the hell out of here!” catchphrase? It kinda rings hollow when Buck Star keeps returning over and over, through two seasons and several venues.

We have a question: Is Buck Star and Kent Emmons the same person? We’ll stay on that. And has Mr. Mark copyrighted the “Get the hell out of here” phrase, to cash in on the lucrative T-shirt concession when it eventually sweeps the nation?

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