Sorry, we’ve been watching the World Cup coverage on Univision a lot lately. Spanish is creeping into our daily usage.

Again! What is up with Anthony Clarke? And what is up with Anthony Clarke’s makeup? He is positively ghostly. (Or, as our friends on Primer Impacto might say, “positivamente fantasmal!”). Or should we call him Count Clarke? (Perhaps we shall rename the show Lestat Comic Standing?)

Why is he even on the show? Just rent a host and he/she will show up and do a serviceable job. We hear they have such services in Los Angeles. (As an FOS pointed out: They have a much better host sitting on the judges’ panel– Kathy Griffin! Throw a lifeline to her and drag her up on stage. Throw an ermine-trimmed stole around Clarke (a la James Brown) and escort him to the wings, never to be seen again!)

What is with the sweetening? That editing is atrocious… there are cuts and then there are cuts. We suspect the editing is being done with a dull pocket knife. And the sweetening makes the whole affair seem like an episode of The Flintstones where Barney tries standup.

And why isn’t Clarke doing any material? And, his only joke actually used “Rancho Cucamonga” to get a laugh. Who is writing this stuff? (What? No mention of the Slauson Cutoff?) And we see from the promotion for next week’s episode that they’ve brought back the short, yellow school bus. How tired is that?

That reminds us… some unscrupulous types out there in WWW-Land are posting the information from our April 08, 2006, posting where we named the finalists in Last Comic Standing… and not crediting us! (How do we know it is our list? Because we deliberately spelled a couple names wrong… we are evil geniuses, no?)

Can you smell the horse manure? We can… it was just after Clarke said, “We had such a hard time choosing our finalists tonight, we decided to add two more.” Say, wha?! This is a travesty… or at the very least, it’s blatantly unfair to all the comis who were on last week. We are hard-pressed to understand the logic (if any) behind tonight’s decision to choose a lopsided seven contestants, compared to last week’s five. It is so clumsy, that we must ask what went so horribly wrong with the production of the show that they “decided to add two more” this week?

Of course, we here at SHECKYmagazine knew there would be twelve people, but we figured that the geniuses at NBC would figure out a decent way to finesse the extra two into the house. (But then again, the writers are invoking Rancho Cucamonga, so all bets are off!)

The five named are: Gabriel Iglesias, Bil Dwyer, Michele Balan, Stella (Stolper) and Ty Barnett. And the two who were added on at the last minute (or, as they shall forever be regarded, “the two who were added on at the last minute”) are: Kristin Key and Rebecca Corry.

A giant thumbs down to Rebecca Corry for saying (when asked why she became a comic) said, “I just hate myself a lot.” Then, seconds later, when she is announced as a last-minute add-on, she sashays onto the stage and TOTALLY DISSED (self-proclaimed) CP POSTER COMIC Josh Blue! Not even a low-five or a hand shake or a mouthed “howya doin’ buddy,” NOTHIN’! Just pushed past his extended hand as if she were running for a cab! (Someone who hates herself would at least shake hands with the disabled.)

Priceless Moments (or, The Camera is Always Upon You, Boys): Did you see the look on Flip Schultz’s and Gerry Dee’s face when they Anthony Clarke bellowed out the name of Stella (The One-Named one!) as one of the two who were added on at the last minute? It was priceless.

El amañar!

Who are these people, you might be asking. Millions of viewers will be asking the same question. And, of course, they’ll Google the names of the contestants.

Herewith are just small samples of what we could discern about tonight’s contestants from Googling their names and choosing the most promising entries. (Note: We decided to limit each search to 30 seconds!) This will give you a good idea of what Mr. and Mrs. America will be able to find out about each person that appeared tonight on a nationally televised network show:

Gabriel Iglesias

Gabriel Iglesias (born July 15, 1976) is a Mexican-American comedian from Long Beach, California. He is best known for making fun of his obesity and his ability for impressions. His opening joke is “The 5 kinds of fat”: Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy (which he says he is) and DAAAAAAAMN! He has made several guest appearances on such television shows as The Tonight Show, My Wife and Kids and in his own half hour special on Comedy Central. He was a series regular for one season of All That on Nickelodeon where his most notable role was portraying Bill Clinton.

Kristin Key

Kristin Key is the daughter of an Amarillo minister, so it’s only natural that she started doing stand-up at 19 with a fearless style of comedy that got her…

Moody McCarthy

Moody McCarthy is a quite simply one of America’s sharpest young comedy minds. Besides being in constant demand at America and New York’s very best clubs including Carolines Comedy Club, Stand-Up NY and The World Famous Comic Strip, Moody has recently made a splash on television appearing on ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Comcast’s “Comedy Spotlight,” CBS’ “Star Search” and The CBS Morning Show.

Ty Barnett

Ty realized for the first time that being black was going to be an issue when the doctor slapped him…twice… and made him cut his own umbilical cord! With his ability to put a funny and unique spin on topics such as race: “We should switch stereotypes…every 30 days,” religion: “My grandma is the only person I know with a tattoo of the Last Supper” and politics, Ty demonstrates that comedy can be funny and yet thought provoking.

Nikki Payne

Here’s a Payne we don’t want to go away. Winner of last year’s search for Canada’s Funniest New Comic, Antigonish, N.S.-born jokester Nikki Payne has made a name for herself with her brazen, fearless comedy. The loud-mouthed stand-up sports a cleft lip and, come to think of it, doesn’t hold back from giving major lip to the audience.

Malik S.

Malik S. Middleton is an African-American actor, best-known for his role as homosexual deacon Chuck (secret boyfriend of Rufus) in R. Kelly’s hip-hopera, Trapped in the Closet.

We’re not sure it’s the same guy… Hmmm… Well, all we know is, if you’re going to use your appearance in an R. Kelly video, you had better specify that it’s an authorized R. Kelly video… and not a video that is “Exhibit A” at a recent trial.

Brendan Walsh

Eventually, everybody’s gonna have to figure out whether to spell Walsh’s first name with an O or an A, because it’s likely to become a household one. Of course, it may be relegated to that room in every residence that’s reserved for laughing one’s ass off (surely your own apartment has one of these, right?), as this guy is so good at the comedic stuff he’s not only tied for this honor but he’s also this year’s official Funniest Person in Austin.

Josh McDermott

Failed the 30-second test. Sorry.

Bruce Fine

I have a predilection for comics who work with the audience. I have always seen it as the stand-up comic version of an acrobat working without a net. Not that many comics try this, few are good at it. Bruce Fine is good enough at it he uses this skill as the opening for his funny comedy about relationships that quickly segues over a few tracks to more testosterone comedy topics like strip clubs, the closing jokes on Actual Size.

Rebecca Corry

A native of Seattle, Rebecca spent 8 years in Chicago studying at the The Second City, Annoyance Theater and Center Theater. After moving to LA in 2001, Rebecca was picked to perform at the MONTREAL COMEDY FESTIVAL in the “New Faces” category.

Jon Fisch

A prolific monologist with universal appeal, Jon Fisch focuses on the idiosyncrasies of city living. After moving to NYC from his native Boston, he was chosen as one of Comedy Central’s Fresh Faces of Comedy and named one of Back Stage Magazine’s 10 Standout Stand-ups. Jon was a critical favorite at the prestigious Montreal “Just for Laughs” comedy festival as part of the “New Faces” showcase and the Club Series show “Dating It”. Following his impressive appearances, Jon was singled out by both the Hollywood Reporter and the Montreal Gazette as a “standout performer.”

Bil Dwyer

WHERE YOU’VE SEEN HIM:
“VH1’s I Love The 70s,” “Battlebots,” PAX Game show “Dirty Rotten Cheaters,” “Ally McBeal,” “The Larry Sanders Show” and “Comedy Central Presents: Bil Dwyer”

Stella

Stella Stolper Hosts her own show “Uncensored Wednesdays” at the World famous Laugh Factory in Hollywood. She sold out the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas, toured to The New York Underground Comedy Festival and is a champion for foul mouthed housewives everywhere.

Mike Bocchetti

Mike Bocchetti has made appearances on the Howard Stern Show, and was featured on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing.” He’s a veteran in the comedy world and has an affable and unique style.
He’s one of the true nice guys in comedy. Mike’s material is suitable for all audiences.

Gerry Dee

Gerry Dee began his comedy career in a very different fashion. The son of Scottish immigrant parents, Gerry was born in Scarborough, Ontario and grew up in Toronto. He currently splits his time between living in Los Angeles and Toronto. In California, he performs regularly at The Laugh Factory, The GComedy and Magic Club, The Ice House and The Improv.

Flip Schultz

Since the wee age of 8, Flip Schultz knew he wanted to be a stand-up comedian. It was at this age that he won a talent show for doing stand-up and beating the more “popular” kids who did singing and dancing routines…how clichÈ!

Michele Balan

The comic princess! Well known in the gay community, Michele Balan’s humor is truly universal, or as she refers to herself—bi-comical. This is comedy everyone can relate to—dating, aging, breaking up—she tackles it all! On aging, she says “I’m not yet in menopause, I’m just on pause,” and “If I ask someone to sleep with me, I really mean sleep.”

J. Chris Newberg

J. Chris Newberg is one of the most original talents to burst upon the stand-up comedy scene in years. Picture Bob Dylan and his six-string with Dennis Miller’s incisive, cerebral wit and you begin to glimpse the unique comedy talent that is J. Chris Newberg.

Dan Levy

Miami, May 10, 2006 – Frankie Muniz and Harvey Keitel star in writer/director Howard Himelstein’s coming-of-age dramedy, “My Sexiest Year,” which began production in Miami Beach earlier this month. Muniz and Keitel head a cast that includes Amber Valletta, Karolina Kurkova, Dan Levy, Haylie Duff, Rachel Specter, Ryan Cabrera, Nick Zano and Daphna Kastner. The story of a young man’s never-to-be-forgotten romantic encounter with an international supermodel, “My Sexiest Year” is produced by Paul Parmar and Michael Cerenzie. Executive producer is Belle Avery, co-executive producer is Merlin Reaume. Amy Balsam is co-producer. William Gilmore serves as line producer.

Doug Benson

I know, I know, it’s been a while. I’ve been busy. Doing shit. Turns out Doug not only loves movies, he also loves drugs and television. (VH1’S CELEBRITY EYE CANDY is the best/worst thing that ever happened to me.) But I ran out of weed this morning, and my cable got cut off because I forgot to pay the bill, so I’ve got some time to take a look at films you probably won’t be taking a look at. (And I probably won’t as well!)

The whole affair seemed rush to us. As if each comic were shot out of a cannon. A giant, multi-chambered cannon that held 20 comics.

We’re skeptical that not all that many of the folks that made it into the house will be able to really deliver in the clubs, on the road, night after night, on the highways and biways of Standup America. We will reserve judgement. There were a few folks who appeared over the past two weeks that we know for a fact who are capable, but they weren’t presented as such. So, there may well be some among the final twelve who are actually better than they came across on TV. We hope so. Right now, however, we’re concerned. If delivering in the clubs is not the LCS producers’ top priority, then we’re obviously out of touch with what they’re trying to achieve. But it isn’t rocket science to achieve both– Get ten (or twelve!) people who can deliver in the clubs (in the headline position), act in a sitcom (reasonably well), be of sufficiently diverse ethnic/genderal background and still make for some fireworks in a reality show setting. It has been done. They’ve done it.