Last Comic Standing on the Queen Mary

by Brian McKim & Traci Skene on June 21st, 2006

April Macie GONE! Stella Stolper GONE! But first…

Clark tells them that there’ll be a “Head to head competition between three comics…” Wouldn’t that be “head to head to head?” Maybe?

Lots of fat jokes. Those are always great! Dontcha think?

Stella Stolper tries gamely to introduce some spice into the reality television proceedings by being mean and vindictive! You know, nothing endears you to a television audience like mean and vindictive. It’s fun to watch, you know? And she’s about to give birth, so that gives the meanness a special sort of… poignance? Is that the appropriate word?

The Gypsy Lady? You remember the Gypsy Lady from the last Last Comic Standing. Apparently, she has such a good manager that her contract stipulated that her tired, sorry ass be used in perpetuity. She is, however, more animated and likeable than Anthony Clark.

The point of the heckling exercise, says Clark, is to see “who can dish it out and who can take it.” Don’t the clubs have bouncers that pretty much make this point moot? At least the better clubs do. Why not just have the comics do a hell gig somewhere in Fresno or Victorville? At least spare the comics from the ignominy of having to heckle another comic. Through this exercise, the contestants run the risk of having the audience view them all as pathetic, desperate individuals, incapable of saying “no” to even the most shameful requests. (Actually, after seeing the heckling challenge, there is no risk. They have demonstrated it quite clearly.) Oh, it’s all in good fun, you say.

Good for Joey Gay for refusing to take the bait for staying silent when asked to heckle April Macie.

Were there better ways of dreaming up challenges that didn’t subject comedians to this kind of degradation? Certainly. Why they were beyond the imagination or obscured by the prejudices of the producers of the show is inexplicable.

Comics: The next time you get heckled by some loser who thinks he’s “helping out the show,” you may have Last Comic Standing to thank.

As Clark announces the “winner” of the Heckler Challenge (“Winner” is such a relative term in this case), he says, “People… were… crying.” Yes, Anthony, people were crying– the many club owners who were watching their livelihoods quite possibly being destroyed before their eyes… the comedians watching at home who were witnessing the dignity of standup comics in general being shredded in excruciating slow motion on this steaming pile of shit that NBC calls a show. Yes, Anthony, people… were… crying.

“At this stage of the game,” says Chris Porter, “Immunity is everything.” Really? At this stage of the game, a comic can depend on his material to get by. Oh, heaven forbid comics might be depending on a skill that they’ve acquired, and have been honing incessantly, over the last 15 years or so. Oh, the horror that some comic might be required to go on a stage, with a mike, in front of a crowd and make them laugh harder than the other comic who just went up. Gee! That’s too much like… every Friday or Saturday night for the last 15 years or so. How perfectly terrifying that would be! (We aren’t off base here when we say that we might actually speak for every real comic when we say that we’d sit out every immunity challenge that came along just for the opportunity to battle another comic at actually performing! What moron wouldn’t want to take advantage of every opportunity to do his act on primetime network television?)

We’re beginning to think that the show is called Last Comic Standing because, eventually, we’re all going to be out of the business. We’ll all be gone. No one will want to watch standup, live or otherwise. Eventually there will be only one… last… comic… standing.

The previews of next week show some asshole at a radio station yelling (presumably at the comics) “Be funny!” Sorta reminds us of a typical Friday morning when we’re in a station to pump that weekend’s shows. Although, there isn’t usually someone yelling “Be funny!” And, if there is, it’s usually the most hated guy at the station. (One of the worst commands a comedian can get is “Say something funny.” Usually issued by a total tool. It’s the fastest way to get a comic to shut down..)

We’re speechless. At least now we are.

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