A cursory examination of the back of our Media laminates reveals that possession of said credentials entitles us to “Stay out of the way” and “Shut the fuck up.” And this year, unlike in past years, we weren’t asked to submit ticket requests when we filed for our credentials. Oversight? Who knows. Basically, we’re on our own. It’s up to us to somehow weasel our way into any events we fancy. Fortunately, we know damn near everyone up here with the “Artiste” designation. And we know a good chunk of the Industry folks and the “Accompaneurs.” (Which is the fancy French word for hangers-on.)

On Wednesday night, when we were hanging out on Ste. Catherine, waiting to get a seat for The Green Room, there was a rather scary incident acted out on the street in front of the theater– a babbling (a Francais!) homeless dude was being loudly and relentlessly hassled by a scarily persistent and disconcertinly focused crazy dude. (Everyone identified Dude # 2 as a “crackhead!”) It made for an edgy minute or two. This end of Ste. Catherine is… dicey? Previously, we haven’t ventured past St. Laurent, where Club Soda is. Past Ste. Laurent the cast of characters gets a bit more… exciting.

Left to right: Nikki Glaser, Sabrina Jalees, Tommy Johnagin

We heard of another incident, that took place last week, outside of Club Soda. Dave Attell was waiting to go on at the Nasty Show when he saw an altercation spill out of a neighboring bar. One of the “celebrants” was emphasizing his points with a machete! The blade-toting inebriant then chased his fellow partiers back into the bar. Attell was, understandably, fascinated. In fact, the story goes that when the cops arrived to sort things out, Attell followed closely behind. Must be all that training on Inomniac.

Has Canada or Quebec or drastically altered their mental health policies? We don’t seem to recall being anywhere near frightened on the streets of Montreal. But it seems like things have gotten a little less frivolous and just a couple of ticks more adventurous in these parts.

And we heard a rumor that yet another comic was almost sucked into a “bum fight.”

And The Male Half was harassed by a drunk guy in a small bar between Club Soda and Theatre Ste. Catherine. He was bellowing, “Hey, Drew Carey! Hey, Drew Carey!” And he yelled it with an edge, more like he was seeking not so much an autograph, but a vital organ. The Female Half had visions of riding on the back of a transvestite with a broken beer bottle in one hand in an attempt to quell any violent outbreak, rather like a postmodern version of a Canadian Mountie.

We were listening to Radio 360 on the drive up and Stephen Harper was telling a crowd on his recent trip to Chile that Canada currently has the strongest economy of all the G8 member nations. Is any of that prosperity trickling down (or over) to Quebec? The above crackhead/homeless confrontation was mentioned in a Gazette review of Wednesday night’s Green Room show, so it wasn’t our imagination. And Section A of today’s Gazette has an account of someone getting stabbed, in mid-afternoon, at the Peel Metro station on Thursday. Hmmm…Peel is only a few blocks away. What’s going on here, anyway? Perhaps the Fest will be moving to Toronto after all, despite statements to the contrary.

The newly svelte Neil Leiberman (l) and John Beuhler (Just For Pitching)

And, just up the street, amid this all is The Hyatt. We said that the Hyatt had potential. Compared to the Delta, it’s closer to some of the main venues– Club Soda, Theatre Ste. Catherine, Spectrum– so close that the Female Half can walk to them– and back!– in four-inch heels. But it only takes a 2-1/2 block walk to the north before things start to resemble a combination of “Blade Runner” and “Panic In Needle Park.” (Was that too obscure of a reference? Well, it beats “the bar scene from ‘Star Wars’,” doesn’t it? Sorry… we’ve been schooled over the past 48 hours about Hack this and Hack that, so we’re on our best behavior… NOT! Sorry. Hadda throw that in!)

And the Hyatt does have some good things going for it– it sits atop a giant mall that has a grocery story and a food court. (A “Food court” in Montreal is ten times better than any similar entity in the States. And the same goes for fast food. If for no other reason than one can purchase inexpensive and fast cuisine Libanaise on nearly every corner.)

But the bar is a disappoinment. Firstly, they stop serving food at 11:30 PM! Bad idea, since a ton of people flood in there at about 11:31! Secondly, they overcharge for booze! And the exchange rate stinks these days, so you can’t even fool yourself into thinking you’re paying less just because the fiver has a portrait of Gene Wilder on it. (Well, it’s not Gene Wilder, but it’s some old Canadian guy and the bill is a bluish-purple color.)

They’ve concocted names for the pizzas and sandwiches– specifically for the occasion! There’s the George Burns, the Benny Hill, the Charlie Chaplin. And then, there’s “Nachos and Salsa.” Unless that’s the name of an obscure comedy team from the Canadian TV Hall of Fame, we’re puzzled. Why would they give everything else a comedy-themed name and not the nachos? Couldn’t they at least have called it the “Cheech and Chong?” Or has Political Correctness so crippled the sense of playfulness up here that such a thing would be considered a hate crime?

Schmooze-wise, the bar is inferior to that of the Delta– at least in our estimation. We’re not sure why we don’t like it. Perhaps it’s some sort of feng shui/architectural/cultural mojo that makes it less than ideal for a comedy bar. Maybe it’s merely the unfamiliarity of it. It just seems like there’s too much room to spread out– and it’s not cramped enough to create that critical mass that makes for a truly great soiree. It lacks that Breakfast At Tiffany’s party scene vibe. If it doesn’t take you 20 minutes to get to the bathroom, it’s not a good party.

We attended the fourth Just For Pitching. And the room wasn’t set up the same way it had been in past years, with the pitchers on one end of a vast, empty expanse and the television execs on the other end– and the crowd on the sides, anxiously swinging their heads back and forth as if at a ferocious tennis match. It was set up this year like a presentation at a convention of insurance adjusters or a gathering of x-ray technicians, with the pitchers and execs occupying the same dais, pitching to directly to the audience, practically stiffing the execs to their left. And it had about as much excitement as a gathering of insurance adjusters. Perhaps it was the barometric pressure. Perhaps it was the much smaller turnout.

We noticed that seven out of the ten pitchers were Canadian. And one of the non-Canadian pitchers failed to show due to poor weather in NYC. And it was announced at the outset that one lucky pitcher would be the recipient of a CBC development deal. Excuse us, it was announced that “the best Canadian pitch” would receive the deal. Curiously, though, the winner wasn’t announced. Pitching honcho Pat Ferns said that the winner would be revealed by week’s end.

Every year, we’ve delighted in discovering at least one keen bit of Execu-Speak– a word or turn of phrase that captures our fancy and which we use around SHECKYmagazine HQ for the rest of the year. This year, we were taken by the twin concepts of “pre-watershed” and “post-watershed,” to designate before 9 PM on the primetime schedule and after 9 PM on the primetime TV schedule. This will be much easier to work into casual conversation than “interstitial.” Example: “Hey, honey, what’s on TV tonight post-watershed?” Use it three times and it is yours!

Left to right: Mick Dwyer, Fiona O’Loughlin, Biddy O’Loughlin

It’s time for Dumb Television Executive Quote of the Day (sponsored by Bell Canada)!

In response to the pitch of “Business Johnson,” a film short produced by Talia Raine and Casper Frank featuring an all-African American cast revolving around all-black neighborhood, U.K. Paramount studios Matt Tombs (emphasis on the “BS”) said (and we’re paraphrasing here): “Because the series has such strong African-American themes and references, audiences in the U.K. wouldn’t/couldn’t relate to it.” To which we reply, if this is so, then why was Upstairs Downstairs such a huge hit in America? And why was Dallas a huge hit in Japan? (And in Saudi Arabia, of all places?) And how do you explain that The Female Half was delighted to discover an Australian comic who had a rather extensive knowledge of her native Philadelphia from watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air? We’re reminded of a quote from Jim Jeffries, who said, during Wednesday night’s Green Room presentation, “I’ll fuck anyone off the telly!” To put it another (less crude) way, people love watching weird shit on television. Love, love, love it!

And we applaud pitcher John Beuhler! He placed more emphasis on pitching himself rather than pitching his project (“That’s Just John”). (Just like we advised folks to do in a previous year’s analysis of Just For Pitching!) The panel of execs were taken by him and were enthusiastic about him. And he even got a spot that evening’s Bubbling With Laughter on the strengh of his Pitching “performance.”

Cocktails? Free cocktails? In a tent? Point us in that direction! Well-attended and sponsored by the JFL itself, it also featured plenty of fromage.

Left to right: Joey Kola, Tammy Pescatelli, Dom Irrera, backstage after the Wise Guys show at the Spectrum

We used our extensive connections to gain entrance to the 9:30 Wise Guys Show at the Spectrum Theatre. We know Tammy Pescatelli and Dom Irrera. And earlier in the day, we ran into Joey Kola— that’s the first time we’d seen him in nearly 20 years! So we were familiar with sixty per cent of the bill. The extremely charming and hysterical Doo Wops hosted and Mike DeStefano got the second half off to an edgy, roaring start. The Spectrum is a great, funky old former movie house converted into a funky old rock club that serves well as a funky old comedy venue! A packed house watched five veteran acts doing 12- to 20-minute sets– it was… inspiring, uplifting. It’s exactly what anyone could want in a comedy show– 1,200 people going nuts with a pro in the driver’s seat, kicking mighty comedy ass.

We swung through the Hyatt, picked up Matt Komen (whom we last hung with after seeing Brian Regan at the Scottish Rite Theater in Jersey in December) and headed on over to see the second installment of Provenza’s “The Green Room.” This time it was Phil Nicholl, Fiona O’Loughlin, Jo Koy and Andy Kindler, in that order, providing the laughs and the insight.

God’s Pottery opened up. They’re performing in their own show as part of the festival, over at the Mainline Theatre. They’re a couple of guys who parody a Christian musical act. One plays the guitar, the other brandishes a beatific smile. The song they played, “A Brand New Start With Jesus,” had such an infectious hook and was delivered with such subtly exaggerated sincerity, we wouldn’t doubt if they actually may have accidentally converted some of the people present! The verse, of course was riotous!

We forgot to mention Team Submarine, the comedy team that opened up Wednesday’s Green Room– two comics, Nate Fernald and Steve O’Brien, from Chicago who have very classic comedy team chemistry.

We’re headed over to Andy Kindler’s State of the Industry (at 2 PM), so we have to wrap this up.

Gerry Dee (Last Comic Standing) and Steve Patterson at the Hyatt