Question21: David Feldman

In which we quiz a comedian
on matters both earth-shattering and inconsequential...

David Feldman never won an Emmy for doing standup comedy. He did win an Emmy as one of the writers for HBO's Dennis Miller Live.

He'll be on Late Night with Conan O'Brien on April 18.

1. Which standup comic would you actually pay to see perform?

Dennis Miller. If Dennis Miller isn't reading this, then I'll say Dennis Miller anyway.

2. Who would you like to sit next to at the Emmy's?

My wife. If my wife isn't reading this, then I'll say Dennis Miller.

3. Is there a fruit you can't live without?

Nathan Lane. And tomato. I'm just trying to be smart here. Most people don't know that tomatoes are a fruit. Ditto Nathan Lane. I think.

4. What is your favorite holiday?

Recess. OK that's a variation on an old joke I used to do in the second grade. My favorite holiday is Billie.

5. What is your least favorite holiday?

Jamie Farr's birthday, it's gotten way too commercial, but at least I don't have to move my Yugo for street cleaning that day.

6. What would you like to find between the cushions of a couch?

The frame of the couch.

7. Who made you laugh hardest when you were ten years old?

Very old and sickly people.

8. If you could ban three songs from the radio, which three songs would you choose?

Anything written by Bach, Beethoven or Mozart. I know you said three, but can I also throw in Wagner, Verdi and Cy Coleman?

9. What was your favorite childhood toy?

My mother's 9mm Baretta. Boy I sure miss Uncle Roy.

10. What is the most disgusting thing you've ever seen?

Other than your questionnaire? Let me think. Probably videos of my wedding night.

11.If given the chance, what would you write on the bathroom wall of the U.S. Senate?

"Trent Little."

12. In the "It Occured Onstage Category" which David Feldman story is most often retold by you or others?

The time I cut a man for laughing way too hard at me, not with me.

13. In the "It Occured Offstage Category" which David Feldman story is most often retold by you or others?

The time I couldn't get it up for my sister's gang bang.

14. Who is the world's most underrated clown?

Jeorg Haider.

15. What do you think Hillary Clinton's campaign slogan should be?

"Amadou Diallo."

16. What single item do you own the most of?

Toupee staples.

17. Finish this sentence: "I think I'm..."

"...a man."

18. Do you have any secret talents?

Comedy.

19. What is your favorite body part?

My whiskers which allow me to squeeze into tight parking spaces without damaging the paint.

20. Do you have a message for the people in the world who have no sense of humor?

Yeah. Stop sitting in the front row.

Here is where we turn the interview over to the interviewee:

21. What question would you like SHECKY! to ask you?

Am I being graded on this?