New Developments in American Humor

Never one to remain satisfied, I am constantly pushing the comedy envelope. For example, those who have seen my live show know that sometimes I will wear a v-neck sweater on stage and other times a cardigan. Once, I even wore a hoodie on stage but that was only once and I was drunk. I’m more embarrassed about it than anyone, especially now that I’ve found out there are downloadable pictures of it available on the Internet, but that’s my problem, not yours.

The knock-knock joke has fallen out of fashion but I believe I can resurrect it. I want to be known as The Guy Who Brought Back the Knock-Knock Joke. You all know knock-knock jokes. We all do.

[Knock-Knock]

Who's there?

[Banana]

Banana who?

[Banana. Bananadana. Bananadanafofanamomannamannalolanna]

and laughter ensues. Knock knock jokes are part of our shared American heritage. However, comedy clubs seem to frown on them. You'll never hear a comedian do a knock-knock joke on stage. Not since the Great War, actually, when Kaiser Wilhelm made them illegal. He had a high-pitched nervous laugh that demoralized his troops. Banning knock-knock jokes was as much an effort to improve Germany's national security as it was to save face. Of course, history shows the Kaiser lost more than face when a joker named Hitler pushed the comedy envelope with props like costumes, burning torches and a funny mustache, and an even funnier salute. In fact, Hitler originated the term "killing the room" still popular with modern comedians.

My goal is not only to do a knock-knock joke on stage, but to do one that is nearly a half-hour long. That way, I won't have to bother with remembering a wide variety of jokes in my usual set and I won't have to worry about messing up the order. The goal is one big knock-knock-- a 25-minute set-up, and a 5- minute punchline. It may not be possible yet but, like science fiction, we know that nothing is impossible. One day it may become so. In fact, one day, knock-knock jokes will be expected of every stand-up comedian, like Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonations and references to Viagra are today.

There once was a time when the Earth was thought to be flat, the moon to be made of cheese and politicians to have our best interests in mind. Times change, and the impossible eventually gives way to the possible. As the not-too-distant future draws us near, I want to welcome the world into an era of renovated and modernized knock-knock jokes (which will heretofore be called "bing-bong" jokes, in deference to the technological advances made in guest-arrival announcing systems):

[Bing-Bong]

Who's There?

[Kobe.]

Kobe who?

[Kobe Bryant, from the LA Lakers.]

Who?

[The Los Angeles Lakers, a basketball team.]

What do you want?

[Nothing. I was in the neighborhood, and thought I'd say Hi.]

I'm busy. Come back later.

[Okay. Seeya!]

See what I mean? It isn't a typical joke. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is better than typical. Not only is it stylish and sleek, it captures the nuance of modern living and makes a poignant commentary about a good many things. I'll leave it for the English majors to write their theses on but, between you, me and other humor experts, this bing-bong joke-- and its progeny-- is so forward-thinking that it nearly transcends humor. It blurs the line between reality and fiction, and will leave the audience gripping their sides, gasping for breath and unable to stand. It will be a silent, sitting ovation, all made possible by Yours Truly and my state-of-the-art bing-bong jokes. Historians and satisfied audiences alike will lock arms and agree that bing-bong jokes are to American humor what Mark Twain was to pre-teen runaways.

I'll share more of this developing trend with you in the weeks and months to come, but know ye this: You are sitting ringside at the beginning of a new age. I am rattling the bars of the cage of history. Call me Epoch Shakur, or call me nothing at all.

The future is only a bing-bong joke away.