The Monkey On Your Back Isn't Funny

Comedians are the same the world over. Some are funnier than others and some are not funny at all, but all comedians want the same thing: A new \ opening joke.

The opening joke is, for a comedian, a security blanket. It is That Magic Thing without which we are reluctant to go on stage. This is understandable since without an opening joke, there cannot be a second joke or a third, reducing the stand-up comedian with no opening joke to little more than just a guy on stage staring at the audience until bottles and cans are hurled in his general direction. Without the opening joke, the rest of the act remains bottled up and unable to flow freely through the ears of the audience.

In theory, the success or failure of the rest of one’s set depends on the success of the opening joke. If the line elicits gales of laughter, it stands to reason that the crowd will be more interested in laughing at your other tired material. Conversely, if the opening joke falls flat, the comedian has an uphill battle ahead of him. The more I rely on the same opening joke, the more likely it will be that audiences will start to remember it and then think I’m not writing any new material. Nothing spells career cancer for a comedian like the audience perception that you are out of new material. My lack of New Year’s Eve material is, technically, a form of ball cancer.

By the way, if you’re reading this and you’re NOT a comedian -- you know, like a hypnotist or a prop comic - you should know that a crowd has a certain inertia to overcome before the momentum of laughter takes over and the comedian can start having fun on stage. To overcome said inertia, a good, reliably funny opening line can help get the train moving.

Premium comedians may have two or three opening jokes, like the better professional bowlers who have two or three pairs of bowling shoes, but the average workaday comedian has a single opening joke. This isn’t to say the average workaday joe is a bad comedian, or even a lazy one. Quite the contrary. The opening joke is his preferred stock. After years of careful practice, rewording, editing, sanding and varnishing, his opening joke can be counted on to get the crowd laughing. It is reliable and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

As a general rule, the opening line relates the crowd to the venue. There are a few dull lines like "It sure is good to be here in (NAME OF LOCAL TOWN). What is with all the potholes?" or "Here I am in (NAME OF LOCAL TOWN)... so my career goals have finally been reached. Top of the world, ma." Such lines are scientifically proven to generate wild applause and hoots from locals who agree with your good-natured jabs at their hometown.

Perhaps the most famous opening line in recorded history, "I just flew in and boy are my arms tired!" doesn’t work as well as it used to but variations on a theme have kept it alive and well. Ross Perot, when running for President in 1992, opened many of his campaign speeches with "I just flew in and boy are my ears tired!" which got a laugh, as did his height and his nasal voice. His absent-minded running mate Adm. Jim "Am I Here?" Stockdale was icing on the cake. Politics has never seen a comedy duo like Perot and Stockdale. They remain the closest thing to Abbot and Costello politics ever produced.

An amputee comedian -- who, for legal reasons must remain anonymous -- opens with "I just flew in and boy are my arms missing!" and, to lesser success, a few comedians open with "I just flew in and boy are my jokes tired!"

Deadpan Steven Wright can be counted on to open with the same line today as when he burst onto the scene in 1986. After being introduced, the crowd applauds, to which the deadpan Wright says quietly and simply "Thanks." Gales of laughter.

Robin Williams, in his Live At the Met concert in 1986, opened with "HowDEE! Whoa, wrong opera house!" to great effect from an audience who apparently was so drunk they thought a Minnie Pearl reference was funny. What’s next -- a Buck Owens impression? In any event, it got a laugh. It did its job as the opening joke.

The chief weakness of the opening joke is its dependability, and the innate cowardice of most comedians to try anything new. I am as big a coward as the next comedian, and have used the same opening line for years: "Last month, I was on Oprah... I don’t know how many of you saw me, but I did pretty good. So good, in fact, she thinks now she can get me on her TV show." It gets a laugh, which is what opening jokes do, but now it has become a crutch. I have an Oprah Winfrey-shaped monkey on my back. I’ve opened with lines like "Thanks" and "HowDEE! Whoa, wrong opera house" but neither has had the success of my Oprah gag.

There aren’t many self-help books written for comedians dependent on their opening lines, and even fewer seminars or group meetings. To that end, I hope to begin a discussion that will help save those of you in the same straits as me. Of course, I am not a licensed therapist so any help I impart will only be accidental and will only be worth whatever you feel compelled to pay me. Unlicensed therapists don’t work for free, you know. It’s a union thing.

I recommend saying your normal opening joke in a silly voice or a funny accent. Nothing says comedy like a fake German accent, except maybe a Bolivian accent. A Bolivian accent is easy -- just do an Argentine accent. Unless you perform in Buenos Aires, no one will know the difference. Trying your old joke in a new way will breathe new life into your act, and the audience will love it. If they know what’s good for them.

Good luck to those of you trying to lose the security blanket that is your preferred opening line. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my "Oprah-non" meeting and boy are my legs tired.