How not to talk to a comicBy Matt Wayne
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I don’t know what it is about standup comics, but people are amazed and bewildered when they meet one. They act like they are meeting a super hero. "You exist?" A can of worms is opened when they meet you. They want to know everything. As you are barraged with questions and demands, you stand there thinking, "Try not to seem annoyed." People seem to think comedians love this. They think we like to be the focal point. On stage yes. At a party of a friend of a friend’s? No. The problem is that people think of you differently once they find out you’re a comedian. People think everything that comes out of your mouth is a bit or joke. They are also on guard because they think you’re going to rip into anything they say. We’re not all Don Rickles. But the message is, "Watch out what you say around this guy!" Now I can’t speak for all standup comedians, but I have spoken to a number of them in my short five-year run as one. I think the consensus is that we just want folks to let us be. We aren’t always "on." But that also doesn’t mean we are stone cold serious. It means we are just like you and whomever else, we've just decided never to have a real job. In a social situation or a retail situation, I will hold out as long as I can without letting people know what I do. In fact, I would rather tell people at a party that I am a garbage man. The conversation ends right there. There’s no "How did you get into garbage?" or "Who’s your favorite garbage man?" or "Can you throw this away for me?" I will now list some things you should never say to a comedian when you meet one. Whether it’s at a party, or even at a show, these things should just remain in a filter in your head. Now I understand that there will be times when we drink and we think whatever we say is a good idea. But you simply must overcome this idea. So here we go folks, don’t say any of the following things: Number 1 "Say something funny" This is never okay. And it is easily the most uttered phrase by the comedy fan upon meeting a comic. No matter how much you might think it to be ture, we aren’t always supposed to be ready for anything or to be "put on the spot." Often times this is followed up by a demand for one of our "bits." I don’t know how many times I have to explain, "We are not at a comedy club-- we're at a deli!" It won’t be funny. I myself have made the mistake of sucking it up and trying to deliver one of my jokes or bits in a non-comedy setting. Not good, my friends. It never translates. Number 2 (Before a show) "You better be funny" You better leave. I no longer want you in my audience. It’s hard enough trying to touch on the sense of humor of a room of complete strangers, now I better be funny for you? "Good luck" may have been better in hindsight. Number 3 "I just found out that you’re a comedian. That’s so weird, because when I met you, you were kind of serious." Ouch. What are you thinking? I don’t know why people think that when they meet a comic, they expect that we are going to hit them in the face with a pie, then rinse it off with an old-school seltzer bottle. Stop thinking of us as always on. Number 4 "You do comedy? I’m pretty funny you know. I have some stuff you can use." No... you don’t. A story about how your uncle got drunk and threw up at your wedding isn’t going to be exactly useful to me, but thanks. Number 5 (You’ve met before, and it’s been a while) "Are you still doing your little comedy thing?" Remember when I liked you? Little comedy thing?! Yes I am still doing my little comedy thing! Someday it’ll be my big comedy thing, you’ll see! What’s worse is when people use "routine." Am I still doing my routine? Every morning after I brush my teeth. Number 6 "You do comedy? That’s hard to really make it in, that comedy." Yeah, we know it’s hard. Stop sounding like you’re talking us out of it. We are also well aware of who has already made it, so spare us on how we feel about various comics. Sometimes a follow up to this one is "When are you going to be on TV?." We all wish we knew. I wish I could answer that question. Number 7 "What’s your shtick?" Are we still in Vaudeville? I still am not one hundred percent on what this word means. I suppose my "shtick" is comedy. That answer never seems to suffice though. Number 8 "Remember Rodney Dangerfield?" You like music? Remember the Beatles? Number 9 "You don’t swear do you? Bill Cosby never swore." I’m sorry I’m not Bill Cosby. The man is brilliant, yes, but times have changed. Why are people so up in arms over some words? I mean don’t overdo it, but an occasional swear can sometimes work incredibly well in a joke. Now there are comics today who don’t swear, and they are great too (Brian Regan), but respect the comic’s decision. I realize that all of these things when said are usually completely innocent, but we are still sick of it. We love to talk comedy, but not about ours. So let us relax at the party, or before our show. Or else we’ll throw a fucking pie in your face. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ After performing at clubs and colleges along the east coast MATT WAYNE has recently moved to Chicago. Catch him at Gotham Comedy Club on September 25th! |
