There are a lot of things I like and find funny. My Dad. Jackie Gleason. David Letterman. Woody Allen and Albert Brooks. Mary Tyler Moore. Garry Shandling. Lenny Bruce. Dudley Moore in Arthur but certainly not in Arthur 2.

Bob Odenkirk and David Cross, but not necessarily in that order. Kathy Griffin. Dick Van Dyke and Bob Newhart. Don Rickles. Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Ray Romano. Harvey Kurtzman. Harvey Pekar, Peter Bagge, and Daniel Clowes. Gilda Radner. Paul F. Tompkins. Patton Oswalt. Brian Regan. Mitch Hedberg.

There are many TV writers who I think are funny too, but I won?t list them all and you can't make me. There are newer comics who are funny but why should I help them? They can?t wait 'til I retire. I have left out some people because of memory glitches, and also to cause some rifts.

In 1995, I presented a seminar on how to be a hack comic at the festival, using my comic friends to play the role of hacks. A couple of them were not really playing. This was a spin-off of The Hack Handbook that I wrote for National Lampoon a couple of years earlier. The seminar went well, and I was invited back to present another one the next year. I knew I didn?t want to do the hack thing again. It was my agent, Bruce Smith, who suggested that I give a general talk about the industry. He also came up with the name, "State of the Industry." For the first two years we followed the speech with a question-and-answer period. The third year we eliminated that portion. This year we decided to shut down the air conditioning.

It has both hurt and helped me. Obviously if I name names, there is also the possibility that I will lose work. For example, Comedy Central has not called recently. On the other hand, any time you do what you believe in, there are rewards, either materially or spiritually, or both. I believe that comedians and artists in general should speak from the heart. You shouldn?t be outspoken just to cause a stir. If what you say is outrageous, or controversial, because it is important to you, then you should say it. But you don't have to be outrageous or controversial to be funny. I think Brian Regan is hilarious, and he's not controversial. What I can't stand is fake outrageousness, or planned anger. I never bought Dennis Leary, even when he wasn't for sale.

It's always dangerous talking about these things, because you risk coming off like an egomaniac. Of course I hope that what I say has a positive effect, but I do it first because I want to do it. If I can influence people just like the people I respect have influenced me, then that makes me feel good. By the way, I am GOD.

Not really. I'm sure it will happen eventually and I don't look forward to that occasion. In most cases I don't really mean any serious harm. Except for certain people, who interestingly enough, work for Comedy Central and Animal Planet, I don't necessarily dislike the people I criticize. I certainly get angry about the business, but the primary motivation behind my observations is that they strike me as funny.

I don't think I'm bitter. That's not to say that I can't, from time to time, feel bitter. I think it's human to feel bitter, envious, and many other emotions. The trick is to not get stuck in your emotions. I think people get bitter, because they have expectations about what should happen in their careers, and get upset when things don't always go exactly their way.

Everyone wants to be successful, but very few people want to continue working towards their goals. I can't tell you how many actors, writers, and comedians I know who won't let the past go. They obsess about the script that didn't sell, instead of working on a new script, or at least confronting their own inner demons that is blocking them from creating. If you want a career, you can't stop working on it. It sounds cliche, but it's all about the process. Enjoy the results but keep going.

This doesn't mean we shouldn't fight the sexism, racism, etc. of the industry. It just means don't drop the ball yourself. In general I see myself as an optimistic person. I believe in God, and I believe in the ultimate goodness of the universe. I believe, all pain and negative experiences pass away, and that our natural state should be mostly joyful. This doesn't mean that there isn't poverty, hunger, and murderous dictators like Milosevic to deal with. It only means that on some deeper level, it's all good. Look around you and see the beauty of what is, you idiot.

Comedy Central wants to be able to pay standup comics and actors as little as possible. As a corporate entity, they are cheap, greedy, and shameless.They want to be able to take your performance and rerun it as many times for two years without further pay. They want to take portions of standup acts and use it in any way they see fit (videotapes, greatest hit shows, etc.) without further pay. The original deals that AFTRA signed in cable were pretty bad.

Standup comics, through the Comedians' Caucus (formed by Betsy Salkind and others), have been trying to move the union to action to make sure any new deals that are signed are fair. It is sad that you need to have a union to receive a decent wage.

I did not attend the Comedy Central breakfast, because I was at the alternative show, and because it's hard to eat when you feel nauseous.

All "alternative" comedy means to me alternative places to play. When the comedy boom ended, many clubs closed, and the remaining ones catered to horrible crowds. In the alternative rooms, the crowds are generally more open to different kinds of comedy, and are patient when comics are trying new material and experimenting. This is what the Comedy Store and The Improv were originally intended to be like. Of course, it's sill important for all comics to occasionally perform before hateful and indifferent audiences.

Although the words art form will always sound pretentious, standup is art. Everything and anything that is creative should be considered art. I don?t believe in elitism. A great sitcom is as much art as a great painting. I think comedians have an obligation to be true to themselves. That's always been my objection to people who say the obligation is to make the audience happy. Of course you want people to laugh, but on your own terms.

In the Andy Kindler utopia, the alternative clubs would not be as restrictive as the mainstream clubs. New people would be given more chances, and there would be a free seafood buffet during the show. All comics would be required to wear Polo-type shirts with the comedy/tragedy masks replacing the Polo guy insignia.

I believe that standup is my favorite activity, and unless I lose interest or am blacklisted, I would like to do it forever. I really love it, except when I hate it.

Whenever I start to think of my reputation, and upholding it, I realize that it?s pointless to think that way, and instead shift my concern to whether I remembered to lock my car door. Anyway, Ricky Nelson said it best in "Garden Party." I'm not kidding. I love that song.

I would love to host another talk show. My model would be the Letterman show in the early 80?s when they were not as concerned with booking big name guests, and instead had weird and interesting people on the show. I don?t care about seeing John Lithgow talk about all the problems he?s having decorating his new home, although it?s still funnier than Third Rock from the Sun.

See question #1. I admire anyone who is actually trying to do good work, even if they fail. I don?t admire people who say things like: "This is how the business works," or "this is how things are and you can't fight it."

It took me about ten years but I actually love Los Angeles. If you come to visit for a couple of days, it's impossible to like it. But if you spend some time here you start to get into it. Right now, there is no other city I'd rather live in. I even love the Valley.

I would keep it in the Los Angeles area, but move it closer to the Inland Empire. It's all happening in Riverside. When people say to me "What is Riverside?" I say take the 91 Freeway to it's ultimate conclusion.

The Andy Kindler Comedy Hour, 60 Minutes with Andy Kindler. A TV movie about the life of Andy Kindler. And...more bad remakes of old game shows.

Each week Slate asks someone (musician, author, scientist, etc.) to write a diary for five days. My friend, Scott Shuger (an excellent journalist), writes for Slate and recommended me for the job. It was hard but very enjoyable. I am not currently working for them, but if you go to the site you can still find my diary by typing in a series of letters, numbers, and punctuation marks. There is a "w" involved.

I am very optimistic. Except for horrible periods of darkness, the future looks bright.

Since I first saw the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, and picked up a tennis racket and started strumming, I have always wanted to be a performer. I didn?t know it would be comedy then, and some people say it?s not even comedy now.

I am currently trying to get a sitcom pilot made. I wouldn't mind writing and acting in a comedy movie. The angle would be that I would try to make it funny. Otherwise, I would like to continue doing what I have been doing. Without sounding fakey, I really am happy with my career the way it is. If it all ended tomorrow, I would find someone to sue.