#14 IN A SERIES . . . . . NEW BIG MOVE EVERY MONTH! Happy New Year. My car just depreciated another two grand. Fucking great.

"If you’re going to be murdered, it’s more likely to happen on January 1, than on any other day," so says The Paranoid’s Pocket Guide by Cameron Tuttle. So if you’re reading this, count your blessings, you made it. That quote got me thinking; People are likely to be murdered on New Year’s Day, huh? You see, I thought most people never actually followed through with their intended resolutions. It’s nice to hear that there are plenty of the so-called "lazy Americans" getting out there and completing their resolutions right after the year commences.

I heard the actual air temperature in upstate New York was -10 degrees today. That, and the fact that is was 76 degrees in Hollywood this afternoon, is exactly why I made the Big Move to the City of Angels almost two years back. Sure I only get about one spot a week at the Improv-- if that-- but hey, it’s warm out here chooch. Stick that in your ass Mr. "Three Sets a Night" New Yorker.

A lot of stuff has been in the news since we last spoke. We’ve got another sniper arbitrarily shooting people-- this time in Ohio. If you remember, a little over a year ago, we had a sniper in D.C. who randomly killed ten people. What happened to the good ole days when you got shot for a reason-- like for your Air Jordans or Starter jacket?

The psychological profile of snipers states that they want to send a message, they want people to now their plight, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, no one can sympathize with someone who randomly kills innocents. Hey sniper dude; you want to send a message? You want people to care? Start shooting meter maids. Get up in a perch somewhere overlooking Sunset Boulevard and fire away. Americans from coast to coast would root for you then. They’d be cheering for you like Mickey and Mallory in Natural Born Killers. Trust me, the media would make you a mega star.

Because the TV can make anyone a star. Paris Hilton, her fine ass notwithstanding, has zero talent, but she’s more popular than most every comedian out there save for maybe Carlin, Rock, Seinfeld, Tim Allen, Rosanne, Carey (Jim and Drew), Robin Williams, Carrot Top, and Foxworthy. On a side note, that video was great and can’t wait to see Banging Paris Hilton, Part Deux.

TV can make us think whatever TV wants us to think. Has it occurred to you that more Americans are upset that the Crocodile Hunter fed a ten-foot croc while holding his baby than with say, foreign policy or American’s safety? Look, I’m not going to tell you what we’ve done in Iraq is right or wrong, but when more people talk about that Australian schmuck than the fact that several trans-Atlantic flights have been canceled in recent weeks, there’s something seriously wrong with us as a country. No wonder they fucking hate us.

By the way, to any hack comics that might be reading this I want you to understand the following: The fact that the Crocodile Hunter is in the news for being an imbecile does not in any way give you permission to start doing your fucking horrendous, tiresome, annoying, irritating impression of him, okay. Got it? Good.

Being on TV doesn’t make you immune to our nation’s laws though. A few months back, Tommy Chong, of Cheech and Chong fame and more recently That 70’s Show, was sentenced to nine months in jail, because he sold water pipes, AKA bongs. Yes, you can use bongs to smoke pot, thus making them drug paraphernalia, but you can also smoke tobacco in a bong. So because you can smoke pot in a water pipe, he was deemed guilty of selling drug paraphernalia.

With that rationale, my local grocer should be locked up and put away. Anyone who’s spent so much as a semester in college has smoked pot out of an apple or an empty can of Mountain Dew. Hopefully the winter the DEA will start raiding grocery stores from coat to coast. All of ‘em, Kroger, Ralph’s, Winn Dixie, Publix, A&P, Waldbaum’s, and Piggly Wiggly; They’re all guilty of selling apples and Mountain Dew best I can tell from my ample shopping experience.

Why am I going on and on about shit in the news, you ask? Well, I was going to write to you about the screening of a comedy documentary that I was invited to last night. A documentary that has in it among others George Carlin, Drew Carey, Bob Saget, Lewis Black, Jon Stewart, Gilbert Gottfreid, Susie Essman, Jeffrey Ross, David Brenner, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Lisa Lampanelli, Judi Gold, Jake Johansen, Dom Irerra, Kathy Ladman, Phyllis Diller, Eddie Izzard, Penn and Teller, Bobby Slayton, Sarah Silverman, The Amazing Jonathon, Billy Connolly, and many more.

Some of the celebs listed above were to be at this invite-only screening, but at the last moment and, I mean literally yesterday afternoon, the screening was canceled, as the film was deemed not completed. I was bummed as I had spent six bucks on film for my camera, but I was still able to see a rough cut of the film last night as I am friends with the editor, but the big exciting "screening" I thought I was going to was canceled and there was nary a big shot in the Sherman Oaks apartment I viewed it in. I’ve been told that when the film is "ready" I can share more details, but for now I mustn’t reveal any more. Trust me on this though; if you’re a comedian you’re going to love it.

Once again, Happy New Year. If you just found us here at SHECKYmagazine, thanks for stopping by. I hope you come back again and again as the winter turns to spring and so on. But do me a favor will ya? Take down those gaudy Christmas Lights. And trade in your car before it’s too late.