StandUp: The Do's and Don'ts
Installment #5

Over the years I’ve earned a somewhat overblown reputation as a practical joker. While it’s certainly true that I may play the occasional head game with this person or that, the reputation far exceeds the reality. In fact, I decided to write about this subject because of some stories I’d heard regarding practical jokes gone awry. So I’ve elected to write down a few simple rules of thumb so that the jokes may continue without someone losing an eye or being evicted from their apartment.

Don’t destroy private property

"If you’re setting someone’s vehicle on fire or urinating in their suitcase you’re probably going too far."

It’s important to remember that, while it’s never a requirement, it would be nice if the person we play the joke on enjoys the joke as much as we do. On my list of "Important Stuff" this is not very high. I put it somewhere between checking my e-mail and removing grass from my shoes after a round of golf. (It would be nice if all the grass was gone but on the other hand I already have grass in the trunk of my car.) If you destroy the other person’s belongings, the joke will almost never land for them. Don’t ask me why. For me this will always be one of life’s great mysteries. On the other hand there’s a very real possibility that if you do, in fact, cause people the loss of property and/or moneys they will do something that can cost you property and/or moneys and who the hell needs that? There is also the outside chance that they will kick your ass. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that it’s not worth it. I’ve lost money, property and suffered the loss of what had previously been a perfectly healthy, un-kicked ass. If I had it all to do over again, I would never have given the dog turd a second glance.

Find the white underbelly

"If you can find out what’s important to them you can focus the attack."

How can you hurt someone if you don’t know where they live? This next rule will be a difficult one for a lot of comedians, although the general population wouldn’t find it so. It will prove difficult because it requires us to listen to our fellow comedians. I don’t mean to suggest that we have to listen to them while they’re on stage. I don’t know of any practical joke that would merit such a price tag. It does mean however that we must listen to a certain amount of their lame-o conversation in order to find out what’s important to them.

e.g.: "My agent is supposed to call me some time today. I’m up for a guest spot on The King of Queens."

Bonanza! With this information garnered from having to suffer his tripe over what new jokes he’s writing, why his girlfriend ditched him, why he hasn’t spoken to his parents in four months, etc., we hit gold with the agent story. This is something we can work with. Can we have his agent call him with bad news? No. The use of second parties in a practical joke can work, but it’s dicey and often backfires. This is especially true when the cohort is someone closer to the target than you are. Can we leave a written message regarding a missed phone call? Yes we can. Can we say he didn’t get the part? We can do that, but if all we do is cause him a huge letdown, all we get to see is the disappointment. I can’t speak for everyone but personally I need more than that. I need things like desperation and anxiety.

How about we leave a note by his door that appears as if it was overlooked. It says,

"Agent called.
Call back immediately.
Very important!
RE: King of Queens"

Now we watch the color drain from his face as he gets apoplexy.

"Shit! What time did he call?"

Feigned disinterest as we turn on the television.

"Oh, I don’t know. I guess it was this afternoon when you were at the mall."

His eyes widen, veins pop and he sputters saliva as he asks, "Why didn’t you tell me when I got back?"

We pretend we don’t hear him as we continue to watch the television. "Look at this! Burgess Meredith on the Twilight Zone."

Keep it simple

"The best things in life are free and this is certainly true where practical jokes are concerned."

The more elaborate the joke the more things there are to go wrong. I’ve had people call me to tell me that at 9 PM. they needed me to call this phone number and ask for this person. Then when I get him on the telephone I’m to tell him this story in just this way and then instruct him to call this other person at this other number and so on and so forth. If your practical joke requires a set of instructions, you’re probably trying too hard. The best practical joke in the world usually happens spontaneously and requires little more than the ability to lie with a straight face.

I was working a club that opened for business just the night before. Renovation work was still being done. When I went to the restroom, a worker was replacing the signs from the former "Men" and "Women" to some clever horseshit like "Sheckys" and "Shecklettes." I noticed some waitresses walking into the ladies room, which is the only reference I had for remembering which one was which. After using the facilities I stood looking at the brand new stage and show room when one of the other comics walked up to me. He pointed at the women’s room door and asked, "Is that the men’s room?"

Bonanza!

More to follow.