From USA Today, Monday, June 21, 2004, in a feature entitled, “Reality Check,” which purports to be a compendium of “Highlights and lowlights from last week’s reality series,” comes the following commentary on Last Comic Standing:

(Under the heading of “Worst Behavior”):Nothing completely outrageous yet (by reality-TV standards), but Philly comic Todd Glass is the Puck of this outfit– willing to act like a child to get more screen time.

(Under the heading of “Snarkiest comment”):DC Benny, when he gets the news that Todd Glass is his roommate: “Great. Will there be sedatives in the room?”

(Under the heading of “What were they thinking?”):Bonnie MacFarlane, bleeped often amid an unremarkable routine about breast implants, gets chosen for the finals. It doesn’t matter how good she wasn’t-she’ll provide conflict at the house.

(Under the heading of “Best decision”):Producers invite semifinalist Jim Wiggins to the Vegas finals at the last minute to fill a vacancy. He delivers a great set, despite having no prep time. (Too bad he doesn’t make the finals.)

USAToday lists Jayme Deerwester, Bethany Deitemeyer, Korina Lopez, Whitney Matheson, Alison Maxwell as the “contributors” to this piece. They all seem to be handicapped when it comes to identifying irony. Todd’s Puck act is a parody of how one is supposed to act in order to get face time on a reality show. The fact that it is working (and working quite well!) is the supreme irony here. None of the Contributors seem to grasp this.

Do they really think DC Benny was actually, honestly being “snarky” when he made his comment? Hell, no. He’s just like any other professional comic– he hates sharing a room with anybody!

Bonnie was bleeped exactly once by our count. We have one thing to say about their Bonnie McFarlane commentary: Meeeeoow!

Jim Wiggins had no prep time? Trust us: Jim Wiggins has had 25 years of prep time! And a nice 2-1/2 hour plane ride from Topeka to Vegas. Trust us– he was more than prepared.

Oh, great. Now we’re going to be compelled to purchase USAToday every Monday. (Fortunately I didn’t have to buy this one… It was lying on the table at the post office and I grabbed the entertainment section just to have something to read while I waited in line to mail off a press kit… For more on that, read the posting below, “Can’t sing, can’t act, can dance a little”)

In an item entitled “The Gay Lifestyle,” on his Daily Dish blog, gay conservative author Andrew Sullivan ran a lengthy “list of the occupations of the gay applicants for civil marriage licenses in Massachusetts in the first week.” Right there, between “speech pathologist” and “state trooper” was, you guessed it: standup comic! We wondered who it was. Hey: Who are you? Got a photo of the nuptials? Send one in! We immediately concluded that the parents of the person who married the standup comic probably aren’t so much disappointed that their kid is gay, but more disturbed that he/she married a standup comic! What?! You couldn’t have married a doctor or something?

Triana Gamaza, the Venezuelan-born “exotic dancer,” whose website describes her as an “up and coming stand-up comic, writer, and television personality” (and whose midsection appears in the photo at left), took time out from her busy schedule (which included a recent appearance– panel only– on The Tonight Show starring Jay Leno) writes in an email:

Hi, Shecky,

So me and Buck Star in the same category, huh? I gotta say, I’m honored. Thanks Shecky, you guys RULE!

Triana
The Stripper Comic from LCS

We send out dozens of press kits in the course of a typical month in the hopes of securing work. The typical kit has a video, some headshots and some glowing articles. The response ranges from “This is the best tape we’ve seen in months!” to sheer indifference. Every once in a while (maybe it’s happened twice in 20 years!), the guy/gal on the other end takes the opportunity of the press kit to send back a critique! Below is the most recent unsolicited critique and, in this case, it’s hilarious!

Brian,
We viewed yours and Tracy’s videos. I am the one writing to you. We could all see that you in particular are very professional and have a very well crafted act.

And while I’m unsure whether certain routines (which would be inappropriate to our venues) can be lifted out, without the structure of your act crumbling (like your closer…”Vagina manhole cover” which would require Tracy also being on the bill, which frankly, ain’t gonna happen), there is a bigger obstacle.

You are entitled to project any attitude or energy you wish on a stage. As we are entitled to have our own preferences.

You appear to be rather road weary and that kind of joyless approach to performing and/or contempt for audiences is not what I wish to project onto our stages. I write of posture, attitude and cadence. Not only material.

While I believe your on-stage attitude has absolute validity. We just don’t want it on our shows.

We posted this ad in case there were comics we didn’t know about, who were doing powerful yet surprising work. It’s purpose was not to pad our list of guys who could do the job successfully (which you certainly can). Picking a few random states and dismissing the intelligence of people who reside in them is not very surprising. Nor are barrages of dick jokes.

I know it’s easy to read such remarks and dismiss them as being from someone who has no idea what they’re talking about. I hope you won’t make that mistake. You’re too veteran for that (and you’d be wrong to boot). Either way, keep up the good work you do. You are a very good joke flesh-outer.

Now the only choice we must make is which of these lines do we excerpt to include in our bio? Let’s see… for Traci (whose name is, we guarantee you, spelled correctly in her press kit, but repeatedly misspelled in the above letter!), the choice is easy:

“…which would require Tracy also being on the bill, which frankly, ain’t gonna happen!”

For Brian, the choice is harder:

“…Rather road weary…a joyless approach to performing and a contempt for audiences!”

or

“Absolute validity! We just don’t want it on our shows!”

Regardless of which we choose, you know I’ll be selling BRIAN McKIM: “A very good joke flesh-outer!” T-shirts after each and every show!

An examination of the Just For Laughs website reveals that at least three comics from L.C.S. are to be featured in this year’s festival, Tammy Pescatelli and Bonnie McFarlane. What can we conclude from this with regard to the eventual outcome of L.C.S.? Last year’s festival was peopled by Rich Vos, Dave Mordal and Corey Kahaney, and Dat Phan was nowhere in sight.

Hopped onto a weird site that was a compendium of companies that claim to be places where you can buy tickets to see Last Comic Standing being taped. Buy tickets? Wasn’t there some sort of FCC law passed a few decades ago that said you couldn’t charge people to see a TV show being taped? We were particularly amused by one outfit, Barry’s Tickets, who claim to have been “selling Last Comic Standing tickets for over 20 years.” Hmmm…

Earlier in the evening:

This gives us a chance to revise our predictions. Not entirely fair, but, hey–it’s our website! We both choose Naturman as the choice to replace Norton among our choices of who goes to The House.

They lose Jim Norton due to “contractual obligations” that conflicted with taping dates of L.C.S. But they never say what it is that Norton’s contracted to tape. Sure, it’s on another network, but can’t they plug it anyway?

Previously discarded Jim Wiggins is the luckiest man in show business. Most contests have alternates… what’s wrong with the people at Peter Engel Productions? Why not fly Wiggins into Vegas just in case somebody get sick or arrested… or contracted by another network? But it made for some reality show drama. (Golly! Do you think there’s any of them there aeroplanes flying between Topeka and Vegas?) How cruel is that? One second Wiggins is doing Bullfrog’s in Topeka, the next minute, he’s flying to Nevada to appear in a network television taping!

The big mystery: Why did Mohr go on a talk show (while promoting his book) and say that “a twenty-year veteran wet his pants onstage in Vegas?” Are they sweetening the audience response? DC Benny did the worst of all the contestants tonight (and the only reason we mention it is that he said so himself), but we’re fairly certain that he isn’t the 20-year vet that Mohr referred to. Todd Glass certainly didn’t have a strong set, but he didn’t wet his pants, figuratively or literally.

Making it into The House from tonight’s episode:

Alonzo Bodden
Tammy Pescatelli
Todd Glass
John Heffron
Jay London

Final tallies: Traci correctly predicted 8 of 10 going to The House, Brian got 5 of 10.

Good for Drew Carey for expressing his true thoughts while the cameras were rolling, but the producers goofed up by not making it plain that the celebrity judges’ input was largely ceremonial.

Looks like Dan Naturman has never been in a contest before. He should know that merely killing is no guarantee of anything. Sure, express a little disappointment, but if you make fun of NBC’s little TV show, the suits from the other networks who are undoubtedly watching will be loath to contact you for their little projects, funny or not.

It’s a contest. Some folks get into the house and some of those folks are unquestionably, hysterically. But it’s coincidence. Why? Because it’s a contest; worse yet, it’s a contest within the framework of a reality television show. The voiceover at the top of the show tonight described the contestants as “the 20 funniest comics in America.” Of course, this is sheer puffery. If you believe that, you believe that Dat Phan is America’s funniest comedian. Our point is that Mr. Naturman, funny though he may be, lost perspective. Consider this kids: If, after last week’s show, Jim Wiggins had behaved in a manner similar to the way Mr. Naturman behaved in this evening’s episode, Mr. Wiggins would have been onstage at Bullfrog’s in Topeka, instead of flying into McCarran with 40 minutes to showtime. And, if for any reason one of the ten Houseguests should be bounced prematurely from the show, and hypothetically, Naturman was to be next in line of succession, his hissy fit would have given the producers pause and quite possibly resulted in going over his hot head to the next good sport in line.

We’d bet money that portions of Wiggins’ performance were re-shot. His voice got magically better 3/4 of the way through his set. Hmmm… And the alternate lost his voice–reason to have an alternate to the alternate in our book!

Tonight’s winner: Jim Norton, of course. He got face time on a network show, he never did “lose” to the other contestants, and he got bounced off the show because he was too busy taping other shows to be included in this one! Pretty nice, if you can pull it off!

We’ll be monitoring the broadcast, of course!

Addendum to last night’s posting: From now on, we’ll be rating each episode according to its Humiliation Factor. How does the episode rate when it comes to asking professional standup comics to do things that you just shouldn’t ask a professional standup comic to do. On a scale of 1 to 5, with a 5 being absolutely humiliating, Episode 3 rated a 3, for asking the comics to share a room. If we had gotten to the front desk and were told that we’d be sharing a room with another comic, we would have put a single room on the credit card (after, of course, checking with the producers to see if being forced to share was stipulated in the contract).

Correction on last night’s posting: When Jay Mohr asked Dan Adhoot how long he’d been doing it (and Adhoot replied quot;three years,quot;), Mohr indicated that, to him at least, Adhoot’s inexperience wasn’t obvious. We were of the opposite opinion.

Make plans to attend The SHECKYmagazine.com Comedy Showcase, part of the New York City Underground Comedy Festival on WEDNESDAY, October 6, 2004 at the Village Lantern, 167 Bleecker at Sullivan, in the heart of the village.

(Click here for a map!) Village Lantern, 167 Bleecker, (212)260-7993

Who made it into the house from the first ten:

Kathleen Madigan
Gary Gulman
Corey Holcomb
Bonnie McFarlane
Ant

Who didn’t make it in:

Kerry Louise
Monte Hoffman
Jessica Kirson
Tim Young
Dan Adhoot

Did we say that Todd Glass knows how to work the medium like no other? We’ve known Todd for over 20 years. His antics dominated the opening montage of this evening’s episode. This may be the first time he’s actually had our respect. (Hey, we’ve known him for 20 years, we can say things like that! Hell, we’ve known Todd since he was actually the age he claims to be now! That’s how long we’ve known Todd.)

Our hearts swell with pride upon seeing Bonnie McFarlane comandeer the camera with only her personality during the opening. And we must thank her for staring straight into the camera and saying, “Women aren’t funny,” which also happens to be the title of her latest column!

Who died and left Ant boss? His assessment of Bonnie’s first joke (and its possible effect on her career) demonstrates an appalling ignorance of how television (and comedy!) works. Using the C-word wasn’t all that risky. Her justification for using it (when Mohr asked her why she did it) was priceless. It was gutsy but not as gutsy as if say, Phyllis Diller had been on the judge’s panel instead of Brett Butler.

What is with this “comedically challenged” nonsense as applied to Gary Gulman? (See the NY Post gossip posting below.) So far, he’s kicked ass and he’s been slobbered over by the panelists, both male and female. He’s third in the media manipulation derby so far.

Sure, the sets are heavily edited, and we really don’t see an entire uninterrupted set, but Kathleen Madigan is coming off as an accomplished comic and she’s making the most of this opportunity. She doesn’t seem to be constantly cooking up strategy. Instead, she’s doing comedy and doing it well.

Tess is a waste of everybody’s time. What is with those lame questions?

Traci is unhappy that Kerry Louise said that husband Tom Cotter wrote half her act. (“Now everyone’s going to think that Brian wrote half of my act!” says Skene, already a little testy that Cotter and Louise said, in last week’s episode that they would throw each other under a train to advance. “They give comedy couples a bad name!” Maybe it’s the editing.)

Very smart on the part of Gulman, McFarlane and Madigan to do different material each time they’ve been called upon to perform (at least it appears that way). Those who didn’t made it appear that they only had three minutes of material.

The prediction tally: Traci went 4 for 5… Brian went 2 for 5.

Why didn’t some of tonight’s contestants get in? Hoffman might have struck out because Sean Kent, a house guest on last year’s L.C.S. was a cancer survivor. (We can hear a TV exec saying, “We already ‘did cancer’ last year!”) Kirson might have gotten in had her offstage personality matched her onstage personality in terms of energy and quirkiness. Adhoot was hurt by his inexperience. Mohr noticed it; he asked him how long he had been doing it. “Three years,” was the reply. We called that one. The “motherless twins” factor may have done in Kerry Louise. Nobody, not even a TV exec wants to leave a pair of toddler twins without a mom for a month. And then there’s Tim Young. He gambled with the Buddhism thing and lost.

Tomorrow’s ten:

John Heffron
Tammy Pescatelli
Todd Glass
Jim Norton
Alonzo Bodden
Marina Franklin
Sue Costello
DC Benny
Jay London
Dan Naturman

An email from San Francisco:

How to Enter the 29th Annual San Francisco International Stand-Up Comedy Competition

Comedy Competition co-producer Anne Fox is currently viewing tapes submitted by omedians who want to enter this year’s event. She is looking for youthful, professional talent with outstanding ability and determination.

Only 30 performers will be accepted. They will be split into two groups, one of which will compete in preliminary round one September 15-19 and the other of which will compete in preliminary round two September 22-26. In the preliminary rounds, contestants perform five to seven minute sets and travel from San Francisco to venues in such cities as San Rafael, Napa, Livermore and Santa Cruz.

The top five acts from each preliminary round will advance to the semi-final round, September 28 to October 3. By making the semis, each performer will be guaranteed of making a minimum of $1,000 for two weeks work. In all, $20,000 in prize money will be distributed with $5,000 going to the eventual winner. Semi-finalists will perform ten to twelve minute sets at such venues as Villa Montalvo, Sacramento State, Luther Burbank Center and the Bach Dancing and Dynamite Society.

The top five semi-finalists will advance to the final round, October 5-10, where they will perform 15-20 minute sets.

Applicants should send a 20-minute tape along with a picture and bio to:

Anne Fox
Comedy Scene
60 Waterside Circle
San Rafael, CA 94941

Any questions can be submitted to co-producer Jon Fox via email at Jon Fox.