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1. Is there anything that you wish that you'd invented?
The Edsel. I think it's a cool car, even if it went
over like "Cat Shit Lip Gloss." Which was MY IDEA,
by the way... Hey, it was ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED. I'm not an idiot...
2. What cable TV show would you most like to host?
I have an idea for a TV show that I'd like to host. Well,
to tell the truth, I don't have the WHOLE SHOW worked out, just
the TITLE. But with a title like this, that's all you need!
Here it is: "Naked Women IN HEELS."
Because you get EVERYONE with that!
MEN say: "NAKED WOMEN?... " WOMEN say:
"HEELS?... "
GAY women would say: "NAKED WOMEN?" Gay MEN
would say "HEELS?" It can't miss! The
demographic is staggering!
3. Where do you go to get away from it all?
I lock myself in my room and play a few of my 4,000 records
and the rest of the world disappears, or is at least "drowned
out."
4. What was your favorite toy as a child?
After records, it was probably a "Creeple People"
set. They were like "Creepy Crawlers" and you
"cooked" these rubber faces that folded over and went
over the eraser of your pencil turning it into a 4-D monster.
You could give them arms and legs, too. The burns you got from
the little stove were even more horrific than the monsters themselves.
5. If you could be a guest editor of any magazine, which
one would you choose?
The "Fredericks of Hollywood" catalogue. Not
EXACTLY a magazine, but if you think about it, it IS
essentially MAXIM without the articles.
6. What is a good name for a pet fish?
"Gil" seems an obvious choice. "Jaws"
would be a good name for a pet fish, but only if you could to
teach it to attack a tiny Robert Shaw. How about "Sushi?"
7. When is it a good time to say "when?"
Before your hand is wet.
8. What is the most embarrassing item in your medicine
cabinet?
Why? What have you heard...
It would have to be desensitizing cream. But, it's not what
you think. Being in show business, I rub it on my ego.
9. What recording is the appropriate theme song for your
life?
"Six Days on the Road" by Dave Dudley. When you're
a comic, you're basically a "trucker hauling jokes".
10. In the "It Occurred Onstage Category" what
Lord Carrett story is most often retold by
you or others?
Vic Henley tells this story about a gig we did together in
Dothan Alabama. I'd actually forgotten about it until, years
later, he told me that it was one of the funniest things he'd
ever seen onstage.
To set it up, I must say that I was arguably the first comic to
dress like a rock star. There were those that had a "rock 'n'
roll sensibility" before me, but I was the first to really
look the part.
I had long Roger Daltrey hair, zebra pants, a Misfits "skull"
T-shirt, leather chaps and a leather-fringed jacket with a colorful
denim "biker" vest over it--the WORKS! Keep in mind,
this was the early eighties, and looking like Bon Jovi was COOL!
But, since it was unusual back then, some audiences ESPECIALLY
in Alabama were slow to embrace it.
We were doing a one-nighter in a hotel bar and the DJ stacked
the deck against me from the word go. Forget about an UPBEAT
song to open the show. No "Curly Shuffle" for this
guy... This idiot plays Harry Chapin's "TAXI" right
before he introduces me... A seven-minute song of LOVE LOST
and THEN-- JOKES!
By the time the DJ introduces me every hillbilly in the place
is "thinkin' on the one what got away." Through tears
of regret, every audience member that was paying any attention
at all hated me on sight.
In those days, my attitude was that if the audience was gonna
hate me for no reason, I was gonna give them one. So, fifteen
minutes into it, I told them: "I wasn't gonna mention
this... but BEAR BRYANT blew my dad..."
IN ALABAMA! Vic literally fell off his barstool.
I actually did better after that, finally having everyone's
undivided attention, and I was walked to my room by hotel
security after the show to boot! I felt very special.
11. In the "It Occurred Offstage Category" what
Lord Carrett story is most often retold by
you or others?
Not since Homer's "Odyssey" have there been as
many different versions of a story as I've heard of this one,
but it's MY story, so here it is straight from the proverbial
horse's mouth. Get comfy, this is gonna take awhile...
It was the first three months of my professional career, and
I'd been working in the New York area with the late Frankie
Bastille, an infamous comedian that was, at the time, my mentor,
friend, and a notorious heroin addict. He has since "ceased
to be;" i.e. he's an "ex-parrot."
I'd driven him into New York's "Alphabet City" earlier
that night to score some horse. He "fixed" coming
across the bridge, and I left him "nodding" in my Honda
Civic while I emceed a show in Jersey at a place called Broadway
Betty's Fireside. To this day, it's regarded as the worst gig
EVER by those that have survived it.
The good thing about it was that you got a free meal before the
show. Sort of a last meal for the condemned.
The show was held in the lounge. There was a small horseshoe-shaped
bar with a wrought iron rail enclosing the tiny stage behind it.
The rumor was, that it used to be a topless bar and that the girls
would dance behind the railing, behind the bar, presumably for
their own protection. Since then the clientele had gotten tougher.
There was no cover charge and people were standing around you
on three sides, packed in four or five deep with others standing
in the booths lining the walls. But they didn't come to listen
to comedy... they came to heckle comedians, and I was the first
of the night.
Someone introduced me as the opening act/emcee, and I was ALMOST
to the microphone before they started yelling "You suck!"
en masse. It was like being a guest speaker at a heckler's
anonymous meeting.
At the time, I had a solid twenty minutes of material, which I
burned through in FIVE. Every joke that wasn't a one-liner was
slapped to the ground in the basest manner.
I'd go into a joke; "My sister... " and someone would
yell; "FUCK your sister!"
I look over and see the manager running his finger across his
neck in a throat-cutting gesture, and I thought to myself;
"THERE's an idea--SUICIDE!" as I bailed out and
brought up the next act.
There was no way offstage except right through the crowd and
as I squeezed past, I remember someone saying: "Good job!"
with what seemed to be complete sincerity! Apparently, it was
nothing personal. We were like Wile E. Coyote and the Sheep Dog
in the Warner Bros. cartoons, exchanging pleasantries as they
punch the time clock, and seconds later inflicting grievous
harm on one another.
The feature act, a much more experienced comic, gets up and
goes right into the crapper as well, although he managed to
get through MOST of his allotted time. That made me feel a
little better about myself.
The headliner took the stage with a brilliant approach. He
knew from watching our sets that the crowd was going to be
screaming, so he got them screaming about a single subject:
sports. For about thirty-five minutes he had them shout
baseball trivia, and if he couldn't answer your question,
he'd buy you a drink. Not the set you'd send to Letterman,
but he did his time and a little comedy to boot. He didn't
buy a single drink, either.
After the show, I got my money and slunk back to my car where
the junkie was still in and out of consciousness. Back then,
I had a single prop, a toy gun.
I got in the car and slid the gun out of my belt, and stuck it
between the bucket seat and the console. The still horizontal
Bastille opens one bloodshot eye long enough to ask how it went.
"I sucked," I said, "I ate it BAD!"
So I'm driving Frank, who's still "sleeping" through
Jersey. I've been driving all day, and I'm starting to nod out
myself, so I decide to pull into a rest area for a little shut-eye.
Not just any rest area though... unknown to me, the only GAY rest
area in all of New Jersey! I parked, reclined my seat, and
cracked my window a couple of inches like Frank's and fell
asleep.
A few hours later we were jolted awake by the shotgun barrels
being pressed into our chins through the partially opened
windows. EIGHT of "New Jersey's Finest" were
surrounding my tiny car. There was one cop on each side with
shotguns, and three on each side with revolvers drawn. Police
cruisers were everywhere with lights flashing.
We both went to sit up, and were pushed back down by the shotgun
barrels and firmly told not to move. The visibly nervous cops
were trying to reach in and open our locked doors. We were
instructed to slowly unlock the doors after which we were dragged
from the car and forced to kneel facing the open doors with our
hands behind our heads.
I remember that the cop who had the gun in my back was shaking
so badly that he could hardly keep the barrel between my shoulder
blades. Had he accidentally blown one of my lungs through my chest,
I'm sure we'd have had guns we'd never seen and narcotics we'd never
used planted on us, and the headlines would have told of the
drug-crazed and gun-toting comedians that were shot to death in
a gay rest area in New Jersey. Sorry, mom!
With all that's going on, we look through the car at one another,
and Bastille says to me, "Boy you really must have sucked
tonight!"
I don't know if my toy gun started it all, or if we matched the
description of dangerous characters, but, after that night, I
never used props again.
12. Who made you laugh hardest when you were ten years old?
At ten, it was a tie between Jerry Lewis and farts but
I've matured. I no longer think Jerry Lewis is funny.
Around four years old, the thing that made me laugh the
hardest was a game my big sister and I made up where you'd
pick up ANY book and start reading it, but you'd randomly
replace words with the word "diarrhea."
The Bible was never that much fun again. "And on the
third day, He made DIARRHEA."
My sister will hate that I told you that, because these days,
she's SUPER religious. And by SUPER RELIGIOUS I mean, she's
got a cape with a crucifix on it. She's so religious, that
GOD actually spoke to her!
He said: "I need my space." "I know I said
not to worship false gods, but YOU pray to anyone you want."
"I just need a minute to myself."
13. Cat person or dog person?
I'm a cat person, hands down, and I finally figured out
why cats LICK THEMSELVES so much... They're DELICIOUS!
14. What do you like to wear on your days off?
Low-Rider jeans with the top cut off. I like the way they show
off my appendix scar.
While we're on the subject, ladies, those jeans with the top cut
off look great IF you have the right build. But, if you have big,
bone-y childbearing hips, you look like a Tyrannosaurus wearing a sarong.
15. What food should be sold at a movie concession stand?
Is tequila technically "food"? They already
have the salt...
16. What food should never be sold at a movie concession
stand?
Nachos. I'd like to know whose idea it was to serve snacks
that MAKE NOISE in a movie theater, and where were they off to
next... to vacuum around a mime?
17. What would you like to magically appear in front of
you?How about a beautiful blonde woman who whispers in
my ear: "I've got a clever answer to that question tattooed
somewhere on my body... would you like to come back to my place
and phone it in later?"
But, that's the ONLY situation where I'd be interested in a
woman with a tattoo. I'm sorry, but I just don't see my SOULMATE
having a tattoo. My CELLmate, maybe.
18. What would you put into a Suggestion Box?
Suggestions. What was that, a trick question?
19. What really pisses you off?
Comics that use "stock lines," ESPECIALLY to deal
with hecklers. I've seen a lot of good, otherwise original,
comedians use them without shame, and let's face it, stock lines
are theft. SOMEone wrote them! Moses didn't come down from the
mountain with Ten Commandments and "a few good lines in case
you get in a jam."
20. Why is the sky blue?
Ask your mother.
Here's where we turn the interview over to the
interviewee:
21. "Where did you learn to KISS like that?"
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