Special material written by:

Chris Rock
Lance Crouther (You’ll remember him as one of the members of the Mary Wong Trio comedy troupe out of Boston)
Nick DiPaolo
Richard Jeni
Mario Joyner
Carol Leifer
Aoi LeRoi
Jon Mccks
Chuck Martin
Bill Scheft
Frnk Sebastiano
Chuck Sklar
Jrff Stilson
Richrad Vos

We missed the first segment or two, but Rock was neither an edgy adjunct to the procedure nor was he much of a presence during the broadcast. And all the nitwits who fretted (or who said that anyone else might be fretting) over whether Rock might say anything profane during the broadcast were dithering fools who were had by the Academy and by the publicists for ABC. Each and every one of the pre-Oscar articles which focused on Rock demonstrated a fundamental misunderstanding of how comics operate and just how precise they are when it comes to language, context and decorum. Rock would have no sooner said anything “off-color” during tonight’s broadcast than any other host. His training as a standup comic and his savvy as a major electronic media celebrity means that he knew exactly where those line were and he knew exactly how to sneak up on them and no go over them.

If anything, Rock erred on the side of safety. If we were to bet on his eventual fate, we’d bet that he’ll not be back again next year… or in any other year. The Academy got a ton of ink out of the hiring. Rock’s performance will not be one of those that is talked about for years. A win for the Academy. No major gaffes. Nothing to write home about, either.

We were quoted in an article in the Long Beach Telegram (which we were led to believe would appear in the Los Angeles Daily News… anyone out there have access to a LADN news box?) as saying:

Similarly, McKim doesn’t expect Rock to tread the razor’s — and censors’ — edge and suspects that the spark-generating comments in Entertainment Weekly were probably a publicity-generating plot hatched by Rock and the academy.

What kind of jokes would McKim steer Rock toward if he had the comedian’s ear?

“I’d say, ‘Go and hire yourself the best writers you can and write Oscars-specific material, particularly pertaining to the films that were nominated or the films that were in the news in 2004,'” says McKim. “And I believe that’s what he has done. He’s smart in that regard. You don’t get as far as he’s gotten as fast as he has without busting your hump.”

We also said that Rock didn’t get as far as he did as quickly as he did by being stupid. On the contrary, Rock knows exactly what’s at stake.

And, while we have never really been enamored of David Bianculli’s analysis of television (being familiar with his writing because he wrote for a Philadelphia daily for years before ascending to the Daily News in New York), we must applaud him for nailing the rest of the Chicken Little press for the hysterical coverage of the impending Rock inferno:

Since it was announced that Chris Rock would host the Oscars for the first time tonight at 8:30 on ABC, there has been a lot of concern the comedian will lace his jokes with the types of obscenities he uses in his standup act – and thus give the network’s delayed-broadcast bleeper a workout, and the FCC plenty to fuss about afterward.

That’s bleeping ridiculous.

Rock is not an idiot. He knows the difference between playing for a few million paying customers on HBO and appearing on a commercial broadcast network for one of the year’s largest national and global TV audiences. He’s eminently capable of self-censoring the dirty words you can’t say on television. He has attitude, not Tourette’s syndrome.

Actually, Rock is so far from an idiot that the people worried about his profanities should be more concerned about his profundities. If Rock is likely to outrage, it won’t be because he pushes the envelope. It’ll be because he pulls no punches.

Hmmm… sounds vaguely familiar. Who’s your finest comedy analysts? SHECKYmagazine.com, that’s who.