Got this in our inbox. We’re fairly certain it’s the real deal. It was allegedly sent to all the participants in the 2005 San Francisco International Comedy Competition, after the Oct. 9 conclusion of the venerable competition:

Ladies & Gentleman,

First off– thanks for taking part…

If you scored low in Material perhaps you should ask yourself, “Does my stuff take the audience on that mental ride of laughter?” For example– Kip Addotta advises that there should be a surprise in every punch line. Bruce Baum wore a gold lamay (sic) diaper to sell Disco Baby Man.

Talk about technique– how are you presenting your material? Is your act one dimensional? Think satire, acting, parody, commentary, slapstick, lampoon, music, improvisation, impressions, and props and mime– how much do you do? Can you embellish your material so that it’’s funnier; do you use funny words in your setups? Does all the blue language really work effectively? Are you overdoing it to the point that the emphasis you intend becomes ineffective? It worked for Eddie Murphy and Dice Clay but look how they sold it with other aspects of their acts.

Delivery problems? Do you enunciate and speak clearly? What’’s your face and body language doing while you’’re talking? Do you smile? Are you aware of your mic technique– are you eating the mic? Or should you work without touching the mic so that you can mug and gesture more? Do you wait for the laughs? Kevin Pollack once told the comedian opening for him, “”Have faith in your material, don’t drop your punch lines.””

If your stage presence doesn’’t crack up to your expectations in the eyes of others, perhaps you should dress differently. But really it’’s about confidence and charisma. Do you self critique on stage? There was a lot to what Elaine Boosler meant when she said, ““Never let them see you sweat!””

If your Audience Rapport scores are out of whack, do you do anything to relate to your audience– local references, etc? What do you do to instill their respect? Do you sound intelligent, condescending, are you vulnerable?

Does anybody really care about your sexual, marital, or political preference as much as they want to hear something funny about it so that they can picture personal experience?

Audience response – keep them on your side. First and last rule– “It’’s
gotta be funny.”

We’re dumbfounded. The letter implies that the only reason the participants lost is because they weren’t good enough, their skills were not up to par. We’re of the opinion that the only thing that a competition should say to its competitors, after the whole thing is over, is “Thank you for your participation. You are the best batch of comics in the history of the competition. We wish you all good luck and we look forward to the 2006 event.”

Full disclosure: The Male Half of the Staff was actually accepted for the 1987 edition of the SFICC, but cancelled due to a scheduling conflict. No grapes here, sour or otherwise.