Folks who attend the various LCS functions are sending in anonymous updates– gonzo accounts of what went on.

We got the following over the cyber-transom:

The LCS auditions in San Antonio where a disaster. I flew from NYC to the auditions (plane ticket was only $99 each way so I thought what the hell). I arrived on Wednesday, and the auditions were set for Thursday at 9 AM. I checked out the club and the local area. The club was in the a small mall right next door to the Alamo.

I hung around the mall because there was nothing else to do. On Wednesday around 2 or 3, there appeared signs on some of the doors instructing LCS auditioners to go to a parking lot some distance from the actual comedy club on Wednesday, no earlier than 6:30 PM.

At 6:30 I drove by the lot looking for anything. There was no sign, nothing. I went past the lot another four times throughout the night before I went to see Alonzo Bodden’s show at 8:30 PM. There was no line, nothing in the lot except cars. I figured, since this is not NYC or LA, people will not be lining up two days in advance.

The entire LCS production staff was at Bodden’s show (I know this because Alonzo did at least five minutes of material just for them– jokes the rest of us did not get because they referenced specific people and things that happened behind the scenes of the show. I also know they were all there because Alonzo said so from the stage.)

I went back to my crappy hotel room, slept and woke up at 5 AM and headed over. When I got there, there were about 50 or so comics all waiting in the parking deck right outside the door to the mall where the comedy club started. This is what I wanted, not to go first, and not to go last. Around 8 AM two production people came into the parking lot and told us we could not audition. They said that last night they gave out tickets to 130 people to audition.

The crowd went wild. Many people screamed that the auditions were today at 9 AM not yesterday at 6:30 PM. These cries fell on deaf ears. The production people told us that they can not control when people line up and they were sorry. I informed them that there was no line in the parking lot like they said. A PA got really mad and said he was there all night (or until he gave out the last ticket and then went over to the comedy club to check out Alonzo’s show). This yelling match went on for about 30 minutes. During that time someone called the local news station.

A news camera showed up, the guy filmed for about 2 minutes before the LCS production team had mall security shut him down. One guy who was with us worked for a radio show and happened to have all his equipment there. He quickly hooked it up and taped everything. Then they noticed him taping and asked for him to stop. He refused. He asked for their names and they would not give them (what’s funny about him is he taped all this stuff, they realized what he had. and mysteriously, he was granted an audition). They continued to argue with the LCS guys but got nowhere.

Ant shows up. People are yelling. Ant asks a comic what happened. Instead of the comic telling him in a rational way he just yells, “They are trying to screw us over.” Ant turns to the blonde female production person (the same girl who hands out paperwork and takes your picture every year) and pulls her inside. Through the door we see Ant yelling at her, pointing to us. I was shocked, he was actually fighting to get comics auditions.

After this happened “comic” (name withheld) showed up. She informed us that she had two tickets, and would sell one for $2,000 (one ticket was for her the other for her bodyguard/manager). One comic went to punch her in the face but then stopped. She laughs and says it’s her first time on stage. More comics scream.

The production people come out again. Robert (one of the three who they sent out to calm us down) says there is nothing he can do. They can not add a show, and they are sorry but the tickets were a last-minute thing because the mall put restrictions on the number of people they could have line up. What Robert did not know is while he was inside, some comics with tickets showed up and explained to the rest of us what the ticket thing was.

The club employees would not give out any information on the phone, they just told us to show up at the club. Some comics from the area called their friends and told them to go to the parking lot. They all described the same thing: A young dude with black hair sitting in his car text messaging people. There was no sign, nothing. If you walked around and said “Last comic standing” the dude would look up from his phone and give you a ticket and say “good luck.” Everyone said the same thing: it was like a movie drug deal.

Robert told us to all go home. People yelled. I asked him about the Tempe auditions and if we put our names down could we get a scheduled spot for that. He said that was something he could do. He then said that they might be able to see some of us. He asked for the list that we kept of the people there and that, if they had time, they would see people in the order that they are on that list. Problem was, not everyone knew about the list. Funny thing about that too, is the guy who was keeping the list (he was not #1 on it) got an audition later on that day. Robert tells us that they will check people in at 9 AM and if the people with the tickets do not show up at 9 AM sharp, they will loose their spot and this would help them get through the people with tickets in order to get to us. He told us that at 4 PM, they would give us an update. Some people, like myself, decided to hang around.

At noon, security told us we could not hang out by the comedy club because we were disturbing mall customers. The comedy club is away from all other stores except the movie theater. We had to leave. LCS people told us to go to the parking lot on the other side of the mall and they would show up at 4 PM with instructions.

At 4 PM, three people from the show come by. They inform us that they are moving through the ticketed people faster than expected, they were extending the audition by a half hour and should be able to see half of the people on the list. Good news. Then remaining comics start taking attendance and going through the list crossing off all the people who left. The original list had 98 people on it, the new list had 48. Based on what the production person told us, we should all be able to be seen then. He said he would come back at 5 and start taking people.

Five o’clock came and went. 5:30 came and went. At 5 of 6, he shows up with the blonde girl and gives a speech. “Okay, guys we are going to start taking you now. We’re filming until 6:30 so, if you’re not seen by 6:30 you can go home. Thank you for coming out.” He then took the first TWO people on the list. They walked away and I knew we were not getting seen. They never came back.

At 6:25 a group of about 30 comics went back to the club. When we got there they had already taken all the comics inside. One comic was with us and someone on the production staff knew her. He said to her, “Have you been seen yet?” She replied, “No,” so he told her to go with him, and he got her the audition.

I did receive a call on Sunday night from the production people to do the audition in Tempe, but the plane tickets there, at the last minute, were about $600. More than I want to invest in such a long shot, I’ll just buy Mega Millions tickets instead.

Sounds like fun! Sounds exactly like what we all got into standup comedy for!