Caveat vendor

by Brian McKim & Traci Skene on July 15th, 2006

The following came in an email, from more than one source. It details the efforts of a venue (whose name/location we withheld) which is seeking to find two comedians for a gig. Said venue has enlisted the aid of a comedian in their quest. In the email, the aforementioned comedian spells out the terms of the gig. Nothing unusual there.

Read on:

Need a headliner (bring your own opener) for a show in (location withheld) on (date withheld).

Pay is ($XXX, actual figure withheld) for the headliner and ($XXX, actual figure withheld) for the opener + hotel for both of you.

Here’s the deal– you bring your own opener, but they have to be PG CLEAN. NO EXCEPTIONS!!! And they obviously have to be funny. If you bring someone with you that sucks, you won’t get paid. It’s that simple. The headliner can roll into an R rated show, but the opener has to be PG clean.

Emphasis ours, of course.

This bites for many reasons.

One of the parties involved (we assume it’s the venue) has attached rather subjective criteria to the deal– No funny, no money. This is reprehensible. We’re professionals. You pay us, we give it our best, professional shot. We then get paid. It really can’t be any other way.

We’re reminded of Donald Trump’s recent tantrum on an episode of The Apprentice— His proteges hired a professional comic for an event, which didn’t go well (and it’s immaterial as to whether it was or was not the fault of the comic). Trump actually suggested that the comic shouldn’t have been paid!

For the venue to put this outrageous stricture on payment demonstrates their total disconnect from reality. And we can’t help but wonder why the comic agreed to assist them in their quest. For him to agree to such an offensive conditional proposition is a betrayal of his fellow comedians.

He could have/should have said:

No thanks.

Or…

I will gladly help. But payment must be guaranteed and you should trust that whomever is booked will do an honest job.

If that’s too much for the venue to handle, they should look into renting a karaoke machine.

We’ve got no problem with the PG/clean restrictions. They’re often part of the business. We are appalled at payment being contingent upon such subjective and ambiguous criteria. And it’s doubly appalling that the venue would tie the payment of the headliner’s act to the satsifactory performance of the opener’s act. This opens the door for all manner of abusive and capricious behavior on the part of the venue.

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