Gary Levin, writing “Networks hard at work to sign up sitcoms” on the front page of USA Today’s entertainment section says that NBC’s offering, The Office, is “the clearest sign yet of the risks that the networks will shoulder to escape a comedy drought.” (Running a remake of a hit British TV series is a risk?) Levin goes on to quote NBC Entertainment chief Kevin Reilly, who says that, “aside from Two and a Half Men, there hasn’t been a new comedy in several years that has really grabbed viewers.” Which leads to our favorite quote from Reilly:

And then there’s Earl, about “a petty thief who has an epiphany after winning the lottery…We haven’t seen a lot of rednecks on NBC,” lately.

Does anyone else get the impression that Reilly was curled up in a fetal position beneath his desk as he issued these quotes? One gets the idea that Gary Levin is not a real person and that Andy Kindler has ghost-written this piece.

Kindler…er, Levin says that the strategies being employed by the suits (those phrases in bold at the beginning of each paragraph) are as follows: “Familiar faces,” (You know, like Geena Davis and Donald Sutherland, like that.), “Drama crossovers,” (Serious actors like James van der Beek and Kevin Sorbo!), and “Singles are everywhere,” (“Call it the anti-Raymond,” says the copy. It’s about time we had the anti-Raymond, isn’t it?! Who wants a series to go on for, like, nine seasons! What a horrific formula that Raymond was!) And the whole article is capped off with the optimistic, nearly euphoric quotes from “outspoken agent-turned-producer” Gavin Polone:

“They all stink…The pilots being made everywhere are derivative and silly…Even when they try to break out of the mold (of) the family with the couch and TV, then it’s derivative of something else.”

Happy days are here again!

Levin turned in a lengthy piece just a few pages away from the above article, this one in the TV section, holding forth on “What tickles the networks,” and letting us know that the “broadcast networks are on a quest to end a comedy drought.” I smell Pulitzer! The subhead says that, “In May, they’ll choose from about 80 sitcoms preparing pilot episodes.”

Hey, wait a minute… we’ve been assured time and again that the sitcom is dead! What gives here? Our favorite quote, under the heading, “NBC: ‘Fresh’ and ‘honest’ are the watchwords”:

“I don’t think the answer has to be that it’s groundbreaking or something you’ve never seen before, ” entertainment chief Kevin Reilly says. ” But a lot of comedies don’t seem to be particularly fresh, and they don’t seem to be particularly honest.”

But the WB has a special place in our hearts because they want to save the world by using “Star power and witty writing.” While they did at least have the sense to tap the guy who created Scrubs, the star power they come up with is, (drumroll, please): Jane Leeves, Anne Heche and Camryn Mannheim! And the other networks can only muster Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Chris Kattan and Kevin Sorbo.

The sitcom isn’t dead, but the doctors and nurses to whom we have entrusted its care are quacks, totally incapable of discerning a boil from a tumor and frequently mistaking Mountain Dew for saline solution.