Celeb blog Gossip Girls trumpets a recent set by John Mayer at the Comedy Cellar. The item (probably planted by Mayer’s people) isn’t all that thrilling, but it does link to a two-minute, fuzzy, cellphone video of Mayer’s set. (And if that’s faked, it’s a damn good fake!)

We watched the chunk and Mayer actually knows what he’s doing. He’s relaxed, he’s conversational, he sounds like a comic.

Great. As if he wasn’t getting enough tail as a dreamy bluesman, now he’s going after standup comedy tail.

Pete Timmerman, writing for PLAYBACKstl, reviews recently released standup DVD’s.

Recently, some great stand-up comedy DVDs have seen American release, such that there seems to be something of a renaissance in the field of stand-up comedians right now. (Just look at the out-of-nowhere success of films like the good-but-not-great Jesus Is Magic, or The Aristocrats.) Or maybe I’m mistaken, and stand-up never really went away.

Astute observations, especially about the late Bill Hicks, abound.

Ba-dump-bump!

From a column by Rick Mercer that appeared in January in the Newfoundland and Labrador Independent:

The gates of Auschwitz were not opened with peace talks. Holland was not liberated by peacekeepers and fascism was not defeated with a deft pen. Time and time again men and women in uniform have laid down their lives in just causes and in an effort to free others from oppression.

What better way to spend the night off than to see Steely Dan in a venue that holds 3,000, then hop downstairs and see Kathy Griffin do a second sold-out show at the 900-seat Music Box?

On the way out of the Borgata Event Center, we obtained a set list from the sound dude. Would have been nice to have heard “Chain Lightning” or “Razor Boy,” but when the artists have released seven platinum albums, and they’re only performing for 90 minutes or so, there’s bound to be some favorites left out.

Jeri (Instrumental)
Time Out Of Mind
Godwhacker
Bad Sneakers
Two Against Nature
Hey Nineteen
Haitian Divorce
Peg
Babylon Sisters
I Got The News
Dirty Work
Josie
Aja
FM
Kid Charlemagne
____(Encore)____
Pretzel Logic
Bodhisattva
Carolyn(Instrumental)

Griffin did an hour and twenty. And, like she says, we “picked a good week” to see her. She had a ringside seat for the Rosie O/The View fireworks. And she attended the American Idol Final (but not the results show). As long as she is invited to/bullies her way into “important” pop culture events, she’ll have plenty of fodder for her live shows. Her first-person accounts of her brushes with greatness are vicious, often borderline slanderous and raucous. She has many antecedents– Joan Rivers, Truman Capote, Dorothy Parker, Orson Bean– but she has carved out a niche and made it exclusively hers.

A couple of nuts in A.C.

No show for The Male Half tonight at the Borgata. Paulina Rubio is performing a the Music Box. (They call it The Music Box when anything other than a comic is performing there.)

Left to right: Steven Pearl, Joe Starr, Male Half. At the Borgata Cafeteria. Photo credit: Female Half

And no show tomorrow night, either– Kathy Griffin takes over the room for two shows. The Female Half is going to attempt to get Griffin to autograph last week’s US Weekly– In a harmonic pop culture convergence, Grifin was among the half-dozen celebs that TFHOTS was asked to mock as a member of the Fashion Police force. Now they’ll be in the same building Saturday night!

It’s been a great week so far and there’s one more show Sunday night.

Across town, at the Stop at the Trop, are Bruce Smirnoff, Louis Ramey and Al Romas. (On the way into town, we passed the Stop billboard on Rte. 30. Note the billboard has a photo of Stop owner Bob Kephart. Yo, Bob: What’s with the picture of YOU on the billboard? Nothing says funny like a giant, loving portrait of the club owner! Bring back the smiling Stop Sign mascot. Does he have a name? “Stoppy,” perhaps? His full name would be “Stoppy the Comedy Stop at the Trop Stop Sign!”)

Produced by Allan Landon and Michael Cuscuna and recorded live in 1973 at Magnagraphics Studio in New York, Atlantic SD7257 is Rush’s first album. (Note: We originally identified the album as his second. Joe Starr corrected the record) The liner notes list “Even Nice People Get TV,””Puerto Rican Wagon Train” and “Funk” as some of the bits.

Ya gotta love the internet. Seconds after posting about recent LCS rumors, we get the following list– the top ten comics for this season:

Gerry Dee
Deb DiGiovanni
Amy Schumer
Dante
Jon Reep
Ralph Harris
Matt Kirshen
Doug Benson
Lavelle Crawford
Gina Yashere

We hear further that Tom Arnold was dragged in to be a Special Guest Celebrity Talent Scout for the tapings in Los Angeles.

We’re back from our West Coast Swing. The Sopranos is winding down, we videotaped the finale of 24 last night and another mystifying season of Lost will end soon.

And another mystifying season of Last Comic Standing will commence Wednesday, June 13. We’ve been hearing some strange things over the last month or two. Ant’s been waving off comics, veterans and rookies alike, and basically re-making himself into a Simon Cowell with none of the charm. He seems determined to make the show about Ant, from what we’ve been hearing. (Watch for ratings to plummet, unless they edit out most of the Ant-ics.) We’ve published some of the horror stories regarding the shameful auditions here and there. Outside of that, we’ve heard precious little about the upcoming season.

Over the past few weeks, however, one name has been bobbing to the top of conversations– Dante. Word on the street is that, prior to the auditions, he was telling anyone within earshot that he was going to win. Further word on the street is that he’s now telling everyone that he’s actually won the damn thing. (Don’t these people have to sign non-disclosure agreements or something? Wouldn’t that obliterate his win if he spilled his guts like that? Or… if he didn’t win, wouldn’t this kind of blowhardery make him look… like an idiot? Either way, it seems to be a bad way to go.) We can’t confirm anything. We’re not saying anything one way or the other, but it seems suspicious that his name has come up in multiple conversations over the past few weeks. That’s usually an indication that there’s a kernel of truth to the rumor. (Of course, we’ve been burned once before with LCS rumors, so pay no attention until we say something definitively!) Perhaps stories about Dante’s initial puffery have been corrupted by repeated re-tellings to the point where he’s now said to be driving up and down Hollywood Blvd. proclaiming his LCS victory using a bullhorn.

Either way, it’ll be interesting, and, we suspect, by turns infuriating, frustrating and disheartening. We’ll keep you posted.

360 days ago, on Friday, May 26, 2006, we posted about Terry Morrow of Scripps Howard News Service and his lame critique of Last Comic Standing. In a posting entitled “Last Jackass Standing: Terry Morrow of SHNS,” we said:

Terry Morrow, a blowhard who scribbles for The Knoxville News Sentinel (and whose nonsense is then ejaculated through the entire Scripps Howard News chain via the Scripps Howard News Service) releases his pathetic grip on his hopelessly flaccid penis long enough to tap out the following horse manure:

As a talent search, Last Comic Standing has never been a fresh forum. Instead, it has given airtime to hacks who rely more on their dry delivery than good material to get them by.

A show that should prove that standup is still vital has only impended (sic) the genre.

We all know that most standup is not very funny because the vast majority of comedians lack innovation and imagination.

360 days later, we get this comment, from Terry Morrow, on our MySpace profile:

Wow… You guys blow big time.

What the…?!?

Days earlier, we accepted “Terry Morrow” of Knoxville as a MySpace Friend (as per his request!)– Little did we know it was that Terry Morrow!

Unaware the posting was from the embittered tube expert, we were puzzled. We thought maybe the kids had come up with some sort of new definition of “blow” that we weren’t aware of. We asked what he meant by the icky comment. He replied:

well,dear, basically you two are full of $%#@. You are condescending. You have thin skin and can’t take any kind of criticism without getting mean, spiteful and ugly. People like you think you’re amazingly cool, edgy and relevant. In reality, you’re none of that. You’re just two more passive/aggressive a$$holes on the Internet. That pretty much sums that up.

It was then that we realized that our new “friend” was the SHNS anti-comedian, TV critic, gunslinger Terry Morrow!!! Harboring a grudge for nearly a full year, Morrow cynically asked to be our MySpace friend then dissed us on our own profile! Oh, the ignominy!

Hello? We’re “mean, spiteful and ugly?” Which of us said that “most standup is not very funny because the vast majority of comedians lack innovation and imagination?” That’s right, it was TV/TM of TN!

Hey, if we can get that far under the skin of the occasional Antique Media scribe, it’s a good thing– perhaps they’ll think twice before making such hackneyed and trite observations about an entire segment of artists. We can take it!

In the meantime, read our entire post on Morrow’s sorry review here. It’s a good way to get back into the LCS swing of things!

UPDATE: Morrow has ditched us as a MySpace bud. He ensnared us long enough to make the catty comment, then vanished into the night! Slick!

We’re bobbing up and down at the Sky Harbor in Phoenix. We’re headed back east. The Male Half starts his week at the Borgata tonight, along with Joe Starr and Steven Pearl. Light blogging for the next 36 hours.

Meanwhile, gaze upon the photo below. We each performed at The Oasis in Mesquite last weekend. The Male Half shared a bill with Don Barnhart and Dana Eagle. The Female Half with Bill Bauer and Patrick Ryan. (Ryan, by the way, is Bauer’s son!) The gig usta be across the street in the big room at the Casablanca. We hear they’ll be returning to that venue when the renovations are done… maybe in about a year.

Wild Bill Bauer (website here) and The Female Half before the show at The Oasis in Mesquite last Saturday night

Click here to read about a party thrown at Elayne Boosler‘s house for a bunch of NY and LA comics. Why have the party? quot;After the Richard Jeni Memorial in March comedians decided it was a good idea to get together when someone had not died,” says Suzy Soro on her blog. It’s the brain child of Soro, Boosler and Rondell Sheridan. Lots of pics on Soro’s blog.

The Halves of the Staff have each established separate and distinct MySpace Profiles. And we are seeking “friends!”

Go here to add Traci Skene.

Go here to add Brian McKim.

And don’t even think of adding one and not the other!

Tommy James sends along a link to a Hollywood Reporter article that reports on the annual stupidity at the network upfronts, focusing on the sitcom genre.

The suits gather to pitch their new slates and ruminate on larger issues such as licensing fees and vertical integration and… oh– whether or not the sitcom is dead! Of course the sitcom is dead– network execs are paying too much attention to licensing fees and vertical integration!

Our favorite quote:

“We’d be foolish not to take a hard look at the comedy business and reassess our strategy in it,” 20th TV president Dana Walden said.

James reminds us of a quote he saw in another recent article that said that one decade ago, NBC had 18 sitcoms on its schedule. Today, among all the networks, there are not 18 sitcoms total!

More idiocy:

“Comedy is clearly in a challenged stage,” Warner Bros. TV president Peter Roth said. “Half-hours seem to be more irrelevant and predictable than ever before.”

Some studio executives say the experience won’t deter them from continuing to pursue single-camera projects. Some are looking for more cost-effective alternatives.

“I hope to switch if possible to a multi-/single-camera hybrid shot on a stage with no live audience that will still give it a film look, so it will make it economically efficient without hurting the creative aspect of it,” ABC Studios president Mark Pedowitz said. “If the economics can be worked so that we can maintain the creative vision, it will be the rebirth of the comedic genre.”

We drove into town last night to check out Troy Conrad‘s “The Comedy Jesus Show” at the Paper Heart Arts Venue, a funky gallery/performance space that offers standup every third Saturday and, on this night, Conrad as the Messiah.

The Male Half flanked by Phoenician comics Dave Pavone (l) and Troy Conrad. (That discoloration on Conrad’s face is not sunblock but the glue that enables him to credibly masquerade as “Jesus H. Christ,” one of the four characters in his Comedy Jesus show.)

T.C.J.S. is a multimedia one-man show in which Conrad plays four different characters. It’s interspersed with hilarious shorts (which you can view here!) and it culminates in a Q & A in which the Savior answers questions solicited from the audience before the show.

Also on hand last night were Kirk Buckhout and Myke Dehu, the Phoenicians who produce the successful Hidden House Comedy shows (“Leading the independent Phoenix comedy scene!!”), and Dave Pavone, whom we first met when we conducted our popular standup seminar in Phoenix back about three years ago.

The Male Half started off the show with 13 minutes of sectarian material– He can now say that he opened for Jesus H. Christ himself!

ABC has re-named it. It was The Impostor, now it’s The Next Best Thing: Who is the Greatest Celebrity Impersonator?

It’s a reality show produced by Barry Katz and Peter Engel (the pair who brought us Last Comic Standing) and Fax Bahr and Adam Small, the pair who brought us MadTV.

ABC is debuting it May 30. Is that a sign that ABC is “burying” the show? NBC, you’ll recall, debuted LCS on May 30 last year, so maybe not.

The premise: Find a celebrity impersonator. The reason? Who knows.

Jeffrey Ross, Lisa Ann Walter and Elon Gold will be the judges. All three comedians (all three, no doubt, repped by Katz)…

…will use their razor sharp wit and comedic skills as they evaluate, critique and sometimes skewer celebrity impersonators based on how much they look, sound and act like the celebrity they’re impersonating. The judges will determine who will go on to compete in the next round of auditions, while America will vote for the final winning impersonator through a viewer voting system. The winner will receive a grand prize of $100,000.

And go onto a lucrative career in a Vegas review, providing he can secure the blessing of the “Jewish business syndicates, American dollar millionaires and homosexual booking agents” that our Swedish magician friend can’t seem to get past.

Read a quick New Yorker interview with Ross here. (It’s not as good as the one we did with him.)

Boston-area comics are gather for a benefit Saturday night.

Late on the Night of October 14th 2006 Paul Rudeen, Jr. was killed by a drunk driver on Interstate 495 in Wrentham Massachusetts. Paul was a young aspiring stand-up comedian. As a tribute to his comedic vision, members of the Boston comedy community have organized a benefit show to be held in his honor. Proceeds of the show will go to the Massachusetts chapter of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). The show will be held on Saturday May 19th 2007 at the Auburn Elks Lodge. The Elks Lodge is located on Route 12 just on the right side of the road 7/10th of a mile south of exit 10 on the Mass Pike. Doors will open at 7:30 and the show will start promptly at 8:00.

Click on over to the Laugh4Paul MySpace site for details.

And standup comic/retired fireman Billy Bingo‘s annual NY’s Bravest Night of Comedy raises benefits widows and children of NYC firefighters that die outside the line of duty.

This year’s show is Friday night MAY 18th at Queensboro College. Mike Bower from Sirius radio is hosting and Bobby Collins is Headlining with 10 funny FDNY firefighter/comics preforming. Tickets are a $25 tax deductable donation and info about purchasing them is on the web page or send me a mail and I will help you. The number for the Queensboro box office is (718) 631-6311.

Hop over to Bingo’s MySpace site for detailed information on attending or for information on just helping out with a donation.

The Male and Female Half of the Staff, the brains behind SHECKYmagazine, will be performing live July 12-14 at Rascals in Cherry Hill, NJ!

We mention this because the Rascals “chain” is down to one link– Word on the street is that Montclair Rascals location is closed.

But the Rascals in Cherry Hill, NJ, the unofficial home club of the Male and Female Halves of the Staff, IS STILL OPEN, at least for now! (It’s seven minutes from our house and we co-headline there four times a year.)

To repeat: We’re performing at Rascals in Cherry Hill, NJ, Thursday through Saturday, JULY 12-14! Click here to make reservations when the time comes!)

From a Toronto Globe & Mail interview with Mike Myers, on the release of his third Shrek movie:

Also on the horizon is a rare dramatic project about a guy who couldn’t take the pressures of showbiz success: Keith Moon, the hard-living Who drummer and master of hotel-room demolition. Why the mild-mannered, maybe-a-little-too-shy Myers would be drawn to such a flamboyant, demon-haunted person raises the age-old maxim about comedians being unhappy people when they’re not making us laugh.

“Oh, I’d say that’s 100-per-cent accurate,” Myers says without a pause. “Most comedians want to be the architect of their own embarrassment. They have horrendous self-esteem issues. They’re like, ‘I myself will fall into the mud; I don’t want to be pushed into the mud.’ So that’s probably true. But I think most people struggle with self-acceptance, that’s pretty universal. Comedians just get an outlet to externalize it.”

Blame Myers? Or blame the TG&M’s Bob Strauss for bringing up the hackneyed stereotype in the first place due to limitless sloth? It’s a tossup.

The architect of our own embarassment? What the hell does that even mean?

Does this comedian look like he’s “unhappy” when he’s not making people laugh? Suffering from self-esteem issues? (Although, it might be said that he could be the “architect of his own embarassment.” But, damn, he does look relaxed.)

Thanks to FOS Robert Hawkes!

She’s on the cover of the latest Maxim. At least we think she is. It’s impossible to tell from that rat’s nest of a website over at maxim.com– it’s designed for 15-year-olds and college students who have decided to take only four credits this semester. We’re linking to another blog, Daily Gut, that linked (somehow?!?) to the Maxim article. Go there to see a large shot of the cover (featuring Silverman only half-wearing a gorilla suit) and to read this quote:

Are you trying to offend as many people as possible on The Sarah Silverman Program?

“The misconception is that I’m making fun of people when it’s my character who’s clearly the ignoramus. You can call Archie Bunker racist, but you wouldn’t call All in the Family racist. Not that I’m comparing my show to All in the Family– my show is much better. Did you see the episode where I shit my pants? Very cerebral. My point is, if you don’t look at the show as a whole, you may get offended. But that’s true for everything. In so many ways– politically, socially– we sell ourselves short by not looking at the whole picture…”

Indeed we do.

Unfortunately, Sarah, there are a number of people out there who would not hesitate for a second to call All In The Family racist.

Do a search using “Archie Bunker” and “racist” and you’ll find no shortage of folks who brand the character and the show (and the producers and the TV execs and, ultimately, every single viewer who helped make it a success) as racist.

It’s “part of America’s twisted collective psyche,” and “Archie Bunker is guilty just as the masses of Germans who didn’t light the fires for ovens during the Jewish Holocaust are guilty,” says one particularly bilious reviewer.

“Blacks ought to recognize that when white America hears Archie Bunker, they instinctively harmonize, ‘Those Were the Days,'” says another.

From an analysis of “Til Death Do Us Part,” the British progenitor of the show:

There is little evidence to support the claim of programme producers and writers that mixing humour with bigotry will automatically underline the stupidity of the latter through the clever device of former. If bigots do not perceive such programmes as satire, and much of the research effort so far seems to indicate that a satirical reading is by no means universal, then they are unlikely to become less prejudiced as a result of watching these shows.

So, there you have it. There must be “evidence” that supports the “claim” of the producers and writers of the show. Otherwise, we can be confident that they were merely intent on spreading hatred and bigotry, rather than combatting it. And, if we aren’t 100 per cent sure that the viewers are taking the joke in the way in which it is intended, the show is clearly dangerous. We mustn’t make jokes that might be taken the wrong way, you know– they might be watching! (“They,” in this case, being stupid people. The exact same argument is used by folks on the other side to sanitize popular entertainment from any references or material that might corrupt “the children.”)

Is anyone else disturbed by this kind of language?

Let’s hope that Sarah Silverman has “evidence” to back her “claim.” Her trial date hasn’t been set, but we believe it’s coming up soon.

She should’ve written to us instead.

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I’ve always been glad that people think of me as being a very funny chick. In fact, recently I’ve been able to make some money apart from my day job by actually working in comedy clubs. A couple of weeks ago, I met a guy I fell for; it was something that hadn’t happened before. I think I’m in love, and when we’re alone at his place or mine, we have a great time. He says he loves me — a new thing for him. But, for some crazy reason, he seems to resent my working as a comic. I keep telling him they’re not laughing AT me, they like me, but he can’t seem to get it straight. What is this? I love my job and him, but do I have to choose? — A.J.

DEAR A.J.: You shouldn’t have to, and if you did give up your love for this job and quit, you’d resent it later. Should this happen, it would be destructive to your relationship and would probably eventually destroy it.

His strange reaction might be more complicated, and he might not be aware of the reasons for his attitude himself. One reason female comics have a harder time than males is because stand-up comedy is really a kind of power play between the audience and the performer. Many men are uncomfortable when women are assertive enough to take charge. This is actually one of the problems many American men have with voting for a woman for president. The more insecure the man, the more threatening he finds a female boss. Talk with your friend about all this. He may appreciate it and be able to change.

If she had written to us, we would have told her:

Dear A.J.: Dump the loser. There are plenty of guy comics you could date who would be far more understanding than this goofball. The guy probably fancies himself a real card– so make him go up at the local open mike. After sputtering in the hot lights for three minutes and fifteen seconds, he’ll change his tune.

You say you’ve never met a guy and fallen for him before. Are you twelve years old? If not, you might consider that you may be a lesbian. If you are, there are plenty of female comics you could date that would be far more understanding than this goofball.

Skip all that pop psychology that Joyce just spun out. If you “talk to your friend about all this,” as she suggests, he’ll be out the door and dating a Hooters waitress so fast, it’ll make your head spin.

The letter appeared on the Seattle PI website. Thanks to Tommy James.

…but only from their XM Radio gig.

Hmmm… Welcome to the upside down world of shock jockery!

They’ll continue, as usual, on their “tamer terrestrial radio program for CBS,” as it was described in this article from Associated Press.

“Comments made by Opie and Anthony on yesterday’s broadcast put into question whether they appreciate the seriousness of the matter,” Washington-based XM said in a statement. “The management of XM Radio decided to suspend Opie and Anthony to make clear that our on-air talent must take seriously the responsibility that creative freedom requires of them.”

XM is not subject to FCC regulations, but they still felt it necessary to punish them somehow– probably not so much for the incident itself, but for yesterday’s whining in which they “lamented the state of radio and what they perceived as excessive reactions to comments made by themselves and other radio disc jockeys.”

Freedom of speech issue? Not sure. Sports fans know that NBA players can’t go to the press after a game and say anything nasty about the refs or their officiating. They know that league rules proscribe such talk. Is that a curtailment of their freedom of speech? Yes and no. But it’s certainly nothing that anyone would seriously challenge. It’s quite possible that O & A wouldn’t have been punished at all had they not aired their dirty laundry on-air.

A detailed article in the Toronto Star tells the story of Tony Rosato, an SNL cast member (1981-82) who seems to be suffering from Capgras syndrome.

Named for its discoverer, French psychiatrist Jean Marie Joseph Capgras, the syndrome is characterized by the delusion that a person or people have been replaced by doubles or impostors. The rare condition is most commonly associated with schizophrenia, but according to Dr. Graham Glancy, a forensic psychiatrist with Metro West Detention Centre and Maplehurst Correctional Complex, it can also be caused by metabolic diseases, delirium, brain injury or drugs such as cocaine.

Rosato has gone through six lawyers while he sits for the past two years in a maximum-security prison 30 kilometers west of Kingston, Ontario.

Canadian mental health authorities, law enforcement and the courts have been passing the buck since Spring of 2005, when the actor/comedian was arrested for harassment. He’s not scheduled for a hearing until November.

Lamont Ferguson sends along the following on the death of comedian Fred Burns:

Fred Burns was a 20+-year veteran comic. Fred suffered from the birth defect spina bifida. His very memorable multi-colored crutches will stood out, as did his unbelievable comedic talent.

His greatest impact on the comedy scene may have been as the manager of the La Jolla Comedy Store for more than a decade. He was the man who made the decision as to who got regular spots at the famed southern California club. Some of the people he “greenlighted” early on in their careers include were Eric Bishop (Jamie Foxx), Bobby Lee and Dat Phan.

He was highly respected among his peers and a prime example of living life to the fullest in spite of his disability.

He was a $10,000 winner of America’s Funniest People– “Which may seem like a lot of money, but a couple of DUI’s and it goes like that,” Burns said of his prize money. He also had a small role in the movie “Stuck on You.”

He’ll be greatly missed.

Also among those greenlighted at the La Jolla Store was this obit’s author, Lamont Ferguson.

A NYDN article sums up the recent firings in the world of shock jockery.

CBS confirmed “The Dog House with JV and Elvis” show was canned permanently after an on-air prank call three weeks ago ordered “slimp flied lice” from a Chinese restaurant.

The show’s on-air hosts, Jeff Vandergrift and Dan Lay, were suspended as CBS decided their future.

Buddy Hackett made a name for himself with his Chinese Waiter Bit. We have a copy of it on a comedy EP that also features Steve Allen and Jackie Miles. Much/most of the humor is derived from Hackett mangling the language in much the same way that got Vandergrift and Lay canned. What a difference 40 years makes.

Donnell Rawlings got pink slipped last week from his morning radio gig at Power 105.1 in NYC.

Now, so the logic goes, Opie & Anthony are next to head for the exits. Their guest, Homeless Charlie, made some comments last week that involved rape, Condi Rice, Laura Bush and the Queen of England. Business as usual for O & A, but this time, the papers are saying that it may have queered the XM-Sirius merger. Ouch! Those boys are right now probably getting some form of the Arthur Jensen Speech:

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won’t have it!! Is that clear?! You think you’ve merely stopped a business deal. That is not the case. The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is ecological balance!

–Ned Beatty, Network, 1976

Look for O & A’s employers to achieve “ecological balance” within 72 hours.

There’s a story on the wires that describes some odd behavior by Tracy Morgan during a recent visit to one of those multiple radio station warrens that are so popular these days.

He was there to promote a local appearance on Big 105.9. When he was done with that, Morgan and his entourage drifted down the hall to the studio occupied by Yuleika DeCastro, aka “Sandy Domingo,” who got some “unwatned attention” from the ex-SNL-er.

…Morgan stumbled into her studio at Mega 94.9 and proceeded to grab her arms, kiss the back of her head and lay his head in her lap.

She pushed him away and his entourage escorted him out, she told police.

Witnesses who confirmed DeCastro’s story to the police said that Morgan seemed “totally out of it” during his 20-minute, expletive-laden interview, where he promoted his upcoming show at the Improv Comedy Club and Dinner Theatre in Coconut Grove.

Big trouble for Morgan, who is already dealing with the fallout from an earlier DUI charge.

Tommy James sends along a link to an article that speculates that Aspen might move to Santa Barbara.

Yawn.

From one expensive enclave for the rich and famous to another. Still rather elitist, no?

According to The Local (“Sweden’s News in English”), Swedish magician Joe Labero gave an interview to a Swedish rail line’s magazine in which he complained about not being able to get his own room in Vegas. He said:

“I don’t mean to sound prejudiced of course, I’m just cynical. A blond Swedish Viking will have a hard time breaking through the hierarchies that control Vegas, where power rests in the hands of Jewish business syndicates, American dollar millionaires and homosexual booking agents.

“But I will get there, sooner of later,” Labero told the magazine.

The editor of the magazine, Gunnar Wesslen, said that they hesitated initially to publish the remarks, saying they would be “controversial and inappropriate in the context of a Swedish discussion.” However, after further deliberation (and some uniquely Swedish logic), they said:

“But we also raised it in the context of an American discussion, where it is not considered controversial to say that decisions in Hollywood are dominated by Jewish, homosexual and American interests.”

Exactly what is a “Swedish discussion” anyway?

The Jewish syndicators, American dollar millionaires and homosexual booking agents we contacted have all declined comment.

The Aspen Daily News is reporting that HBO is bugging out of Aspen.

After 13 years of laughs, the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival is taking its jokes and going home — or at least its going somewhere other than Aspen next year.

A spokeswoman for HBO confirmed the festival’s departure Thursday, citing the expense of doing business here and the dwindling number of hotel rooms.

Mind you, it’s always been too expensive for comedian and standup fans (and spunky internet magazines about standup), but, of course, when the St. Regis goes condo and the number of eye-poppingly expensive hotel rooms dwindles, well, it’s time to call it quits!

We called this one in February of ’05.

Perhaps the only thing keeping it in nosebleed country was Chris Albrecht.

Thanks to sharp-eyed reader Steve Krause!

Poolside: The Female Half (l) and the Female Half’s Dad.

One must rise early to get in a workout before the 100+-degree heat kicks in. Next weekend, we swing around the Grand Canyon and head for Mesquite, where we’ll do a couple shows at the Club Xtreme at the Oasis.

It’s Mort Sahl’s 80th birthday. AP says, “In college he majored in traffic engineering and city management but he gained fame by pioneering a form of standup comedy that opened the door for such comics as Lenny Bruce and Dick Gregory.” He shares a birthday with Salvador Dali and Phil Silvers. How’s that for a great party crew? Beats the Female Half’s gang of Mother Theresa, Confucius and Peewee Herman. (The Male Half celebrates on the same day as John Glenn, Red Skelton and Dick Button.)

Poolside: The Male Half with Miller Lite, in 100-degree heat.

Former standup comic and now former head of HBO Chris Albrecht has “resigned” as head of the cable outlet after being arrested last weekend for beating his girlfriend in the parking lot of the MGM Grand in Vegas. (He was told to resign or he’d be canned.)

Albrecht was given the Resign Or Fired Award not only for the recent Vegas whupping rather for his entire body of work– turns out he also assaulted an ex back 16 years ago.

In both cases, the girlfriends were HBO employees at the time. So, Albrecht doesn’t just date inside the company– in itself an offense that would get many folks fired– he then gets pissy (or a bit tipsy and angry) and then gets violent. The NYPost ahs some of the juicy details:

…In 1991, HBO paid a settlement of at least $400,000 to Sasha Emerson, a subordinate at HBO who had just broken off an affair with Albrecht. Both were married at the time.

A crowded field of 32 battle it out on consecutive Wednesdays for the title of Funniest Federal Employee

The first-ever comedy contest for federal employees (sponsored by Federal News Radio, WTOP and Kaiser Permanente) and members of the military open this Wednesda, May 9th, at the Arlington Cinema Drafthouse. Doors open at 7, show starts at 7:30pm.

Our own Doug Hecox will be one of the celebrity judges, as will FOS Howard Mortman.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Funniest Fed contestants, with their federal agency affiliation:

This Wednesday

Shahryar Rizvi, Census
Jeff Maurer, EPA
Platinum the Christian Comedienne, EPA
Adam Choppin, Commerce
Daren Sweeney, GAO
Terry Morrison, DHS
Rob Raffety, CPSC

Wed. May 16th, 7:30pm

Sam Beamon, DOJ
Pete Juratovic, US Air National Guard
Lisa Lanham, DOJ
EJ Edmunds, US Marines
Freddi Vernell, DOT
Jimmy Vickers, GSA
Cole Cartledge, US Army
Zach Wilks, DOD

Wed. May 23rd, 7:30pm

Donna Lewis, DHS
Marshall Henry, Treasury
Joey Maranto, Treasury
Courtney Fearrington, US Marines
Teresa McGervey, Defense Contract Mgmt Agency
Chris Diongi, DOI
Matthew Hutson, DOD
Douglas Galbi, FCC

Wed. May 30th, 7:30pm

Jay Fox, FAA
Basil White, VA
David Salkeld, DHS
Florence Nelson, DHS
Scott Muschett aka Caucasian Skills, US Senate
Patrick Lucey, US Senate
Jax Jenkins, VA
Donald Heitman, CFTC
Marshall Quin, CDC

Ticket sales will benefit Meals On Wheels.

According to the Little Merman website, Thomas J. Kelly “quits comedy and moves from New York to the city of live mermaids, Weeki Wachee Springs, Florida to live his dream of becoming Weeki Wachee’s first guy mermaid.”

It is an internet-only TV series… which is trying to save the famous mermaids of Weeki Wachee, while simultaneously trying to secure a television deal for the protagonist. Welcome to the new world of multi-platform, reality-based, semi-fictional docudramedy!

And the Little Merman is vying with other comedy videos for survival on the new website Funny or Die— the Will Ferrell/Adam McKay/Chris Henchy-fronted online comedy initiative that implores visitors to vote for their favorite comedy videos, ensuring that vid’s survival.

The plan for Funny or Die, which is backed by Sequoia Capital, is to fill the site with videos made by a combination of professionals and amateurs, McKay told conference attendees. While the men declined to discuss how they plan to make money, they did say the site is off to a great start thanks to a two-minute skit called The Landlord, featuring Ferrell and [snip].

We snipped it here, because the original text of the story gave away too much!

Check out The Landlord.

There’s a much read, much-emailed story going around the WWW– an AP story about doctors finding a pair of spiders living in the ear of an Oregon boy.

One of the spiders was still alive after the doctor flushed the fourth-grader’s left ear canal. His mother, Diane Courtney, said her son insisted he kept hearing a faint popping in his ear– “like Rice Krispies.”

The Female Half is feeling much better, though. Just a couple of years back, she complained for about two weeks about a scratching sound in her ear. The Male Half advised her to flush out the ear using a bulb syringe. When she did so, she spotted what looked like a dead lady bug in the shower, at her feet, heading for the drain. She picked it up and put it aside, keeping it as proof that there had indeed been an obstruction. It dried off and flew away, no doubt with a belly full of yummy ear wax!

No one believed her. Her contention– that she was host to a live ladybug in her ear canal for a fortnight– was dismissed.

This creepy AP story brings her relief yet again. Says she: “At least I had a cute bug in my ear!”

Susan Wloszczyna interviewed Judd Apatow for USA Today. Apatow is this generation’s Woody Allen— former standup comic, gets into directing, makes funny movies, one after another, using a revolving cast of actors.

Right now, Apatow is at his apex. He has at least nine movie projects in various stages of readiness, from the biopic spoof “Walk Hard” with John C. Reilly to onetime roommate Adam Sandler‘s “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan.” The list also includes “Year One,” a film co-written and directed by one of Apatow’s idols, Harold Ramis of “Animal House” and “Ghostbusters” fame.

Former standup comic makes good… very good. All that and the AMPAS folks won’t let him join. Comics– even critically claimed, movie-directing comics– can’t get no respect.

Ruchika Talwar, writing in the Pune Newsletter, starts off his account of the third season of the Great Indian Laughter Challenge this way:

No, this is not just one more of those mindless stand-up comedy shows…

Even in India, the press can’t help themselves.

It’s June, so, to TV viewers in India and Pakistan, that means the Great Indian Laughter Challenge press conference is held and dutifully reported on by the IndiPak equivalent of Pat O’Brien.

Readers of this magazine may recall that Rauf Lala won season II of the Great Indian Laughter Challenge, making him the “Hasi Ka Shahenshah.” If you can’t recall, read this.

There’s a chance… and we are told that it is a chance and nothing more… that, on tonight’s episode of The Sopranos, as Tony and son A.J. are watching the telly, for a fleeting moment, “le Petomane,” the excellent (award-winning) short film directed by erstwhile SHECKYmagazine.com columnist Steve Ochs (Ask Steeves), will appear on the screen. The screen that the fictional Sopranos characters are watching, that is. (Purchase le Petomane here.)

It is product placement at its finest! (Ochs and wife Julie are principals at Hero Product Placement, a firm that specializes in getting products into films.)

Ochs urges caution:

In the product placement game, we rarely, if ever, let our clients know in advance of a broadcast whether they should expect to see their product or not-– and we NEVER attempt to predict how it will show up IF it shows up. So, understand that the possibility of total invisibility exists. However, we are told it will be onscreen so let’s just see, shall we?.

We shall!

That’s one of the theories posited in “SNL in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation,” the “documentary” produced, written and directed by Kenneth Bowser to air on NBC this Sunday night.

Writes Bill Harris for Jam! Showbiz:

The question, of course, is how it all went wrong.

SNL symbolically hit the wall in late 1997 and early 1998, when Farley and Hartman died. But both of them already had left SNL, where ratings had been in a free-fall since the mid-1990s.

Pop Culture Nation does not sugar-coat SNL’s demise in that era, and offers some explanations: Too many cast members had come from standup rather than sketch comedy…[…]

Apparently, though, that theory is contradicted by another that holds that the finest cast the show ever had was one in the mid-90’s– a cast that was populated mostly by… standup comics! (Dennis Miller, David Spade, Chris Rock, Dana Carvey, Norm MacDonald, Adam Sandler, etc.)

Reviewers speak of the show’s “remarkable endurance,” but, as anyone who has watched any of George Romero’s classic films, it is terribly difficult to kill the already dead. The show’s success as an actual, funny sketch comedy show has always been a distant second to it’s extremely efficient functioning as a farm system for NBC and Hollywood.

Pardon us if we’re less than excited about Bowser’s TV special. It might have something to do with having read “Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live,” the excellent account of the early days of SNL by Doug Hill and Jeff Weingrad. Watching this docu would be akin to eating a footlong hot dog after just having read “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair.

Read the Jam! review here and the Variety review here.

Go here to see the lineup (or most of it, as they’re still working out the bugs) for the 2007 Festival Just For Laughs. It’s the 25th anniversary, so that might explain why most of the names seem… familiar.

They’re adding some sketch to the mix. And music. Of course, we take a dim view of this kind of thing. We’re all about standup and nothing but standup, but the organizers of the fest are convinced that “the kids” don’t really like straight standup comedy, so sketch and musical comedy are “where it’s at!” (That’s lingo that the kids are using these days– it means “ginchy,” or “the bee’s knees.”) Our point, of course, is that standup is always cool, always contemporary, always a hoot to see live and “the kids” (at least the hip ones… and maybe the coolest of the geeky ones) always love it, even though they mope around and get “Rage Against The Machine” tattooed on the small of their backs rather than “Bill Hicks Forever.”

Anything special? The Family Guy cast will be there, which will make for a lot of uncomfortable moments for Alex Boorstein (we know, it’s misspelled, but we think it’s more appropriate that way!), who was overheard last year on a shuttle ride going on about how much she hated standup comics (this, from a gal who does a stale Scooby Doo reference in her “act”)! Mee-Ow!

And there’ll be a Kids In The Hall reunion as well, which means maybe an uncomfortable moment or two for The Female Half, as Dave Foley stares at her from across the room, trying desperately to recall why she seems familiar. (Johnny Walker Black– or maybe it was Red– no doubt clouds his memory of their encounter a few years back in Hollywood. At that month’s cool, chic and trendy H-wood dive bar, the two found themselves seated next to each other and somehow became embroiled a king-hell crazy argument! Paul F. Tompkins has still not forgiven her… we think.)

They’ve branded the one-person shows as “The Richard Jeni One-Person Show Series.” A somewhat cumbersome tribute to the late comic who made many a splash in Montreal over the past quarter century. (Would someone explain to us the difference between the One-Person Show series, the Flying Solo series and the Special Event series (which has Russell Peters, Eddie Izzard and Billy Connolly doing what appear to be one-person shows and, for that matter, they seem to also be flying solo.)

And, “the hottest comics at the fest talk to ‘Aristocrats’ director Paul Provenza in that special way comedians have of talking to each other when ‘civilians’ aren’t there” in “The Green Room with Paul Provenza.”

Hey, look at us! We’re filing a report from the Festival without even being there! And the fest hasn’t even started yet! Hmmm… maybe we should just stay home in July, crack open a Labatt’s or twelve and file reports from the cool, breezy comfort of our new apartment here in Jersey!

Drudge is linking to a Fortune piece by Tim Arango that says Don Imus is gearing up for a lawsuit that could be filed within a month and that hinges on language in his contract that stipulates that he was owed one warning before being fired.

Leading Imus’ team will be Martin Garbus…

…He’s successfully represented the comedian Lenny Bruce against criminal charges on First Amendment grounds, and the writer Robert Sam Anson in a lawsuit filed by Walt Disney trying to halt the publication of a book critical of the media giant.

But in Imus’ case, his free speech rights are tempered by the fact that he said what he said on the public airwaves– which are subject to Federal Communications Commission regulations about what is appropriate content.

“[Garbus is] a First Amendment lawyer who’s argued many important cases,” said Washington, D.C.-based attorney Lynne Bernabei, who has often represented plaintiffs in employment disputes. “I’m sure they’re trying to make this a First Amendment case. But the airwaves are heavily regulated by the FCC.”

“In my mind there is a big difference between someone who is under contract and is under FCC regulations and someone who speaks out in town hall. This is someone in a heavily regulated industry and who used the public airwaves.”

Stay tuned.