From Ballerstatus.net comes a report that Rudy Ray Moore is in intensive care in an Inglewood hospital. Tubes, monitors and the spectre of death does not prohibit Moore (also known as “Dolemite”) from bitching loudly about the appropriation of his other moniker, “The King of Comedy.”

“Steve Harvey and others have used the title ‘The Kings of Comedy,’ but I am the true king,” exclaims Moore from his hospital bed. “They never paid me any respect, they youngsters you know. But that’s ok, because I’m still standing! It was Red(sic) Fox(sic) and then I and Slappy White.”

We just love it when one of The Elders refers to middle-aged comics as “youngsters!” It sounds like Dolemite (the name comes from his monster-grossing cult film, which spawned a monster-grossing 1976 followup) has the necessary fire to come back from his current health troubles. We wish him well.

This posting set off a minor debate. The Male Half Of The Staff seemed to recall the mention of Dolemite in an old rap song. The song in question was “Jam On It,” but the artist was a mystery. Turns out it was Newcleus (pronounced “new-klee-us”).

Here’s the lyric in question, courtesy of LyricsOnDemand.com

That I got no force ’cause I’m down by law when it comes to rockin’ viciously, you see

‘Cause when I was a little baby boy my mama gave me a brand new toy

Two turntables with a mic, and I learned to rock like Dolymite

But there’s still a mystery! As Dolemite notes on his website:

DOLEMITE is not to be confused with DOLOMITE (CaMg(CO3)2, Calcium Magnesium Carbonate). Dolomite, which is named for the French mineralogist Deodat de Dolomieu, is a common sedimentary rock-forming mineral that can be found in massive beds several hundred feet thick.

The mystery persists because, as you may have noted, the Newcleus folks spelled it with a “y” (Understandable, considering how they chose to spell Nucleus.) So, we still have no idea if they’re referring to the comic/superhero or to calcium magnesium carbonate.

Snoop Dogg has a song called “Dolemite,” in which he incorporates what appear to be snippets (Rappers euphemistically refer to them as “samples!” Plaintiff’s Attorney refers to them as “evidence.”) of Moore’s standup act. (“Somebody asked me how I stand on marijuana. Very high, baby, very high! How do I stand on prostitution? I don’t stand on it, I lay on it.”) We can only assume that some of Moore’s medical bills are being paid by residuals from the sale of Snoop Dogg’s song and from the downloading of “Dolemite” ringtones. (Snoop’s gone all multiplatform and shizzle, dontcha knizzle!)

BTW: LA-based comic Darren Carter does a dead-on impression of Snoop Dogg! Check it out if/when you can. (Carter tried vainly to teach The Male Half how to do the dancing part of the impression. It was disastrous. His exact quote was, “Why doesn’t it look right when he does it?!”)

Boston Globe Correspondent Nick A. Zaino III, in the Friday, June 23 edition of his regular “Comedy Notes” column:

There is no better destination on the Web for a true comedy geek than Shecky Magazine. Created in 1999 by comics Brian McKim and Traci Skene, the site tracks all things stand-up… (They) provide a smart, sometimes sarcastic view from the inside of the world of comedy.

Sure, we slag the MSM a lot. But we also compliment the rare folks who pay positive attention to standup comedy and who are fair in their treatment of standup comics. Zaino is one of those people. And the Globe is to be commended (as always) for allotting some of their precious real estate to the professional hilariators of Boston and the world.

FOS Stuart McCallister writes:

Not sure if you watched NBC’s new show– America Has Talent! (or whatever it is called) but it had a little girl do standup. The judges fawned over this girl. It was just kind of sad to see this happen. Sid the Kid gets her time on national tv and gets fawned over and really just wasn’t funny. I can’t blame the kid for not being funny but I can blame her folks for putting her on the show. God knows what is going to happen in future shows for this kid. I know I won’t be watching.

Thanks, Stuart! (You were so close– it’s actually America’s Got Talent, but we believe that your version of the show’s title is actually more grammatically correct!)

Apparently 12 million viewers tuned in, according to a Reuters report, making it NBC’s best showing in the time slot in more than a year.

Among the assortment of contestants auditioning in the first round on Wednesday were an 8-year-old stand-up comic, a rapping granny and a guy named Bobby Badfingers, who snapped his fingers in time to the famed drum solo in “Wipe Out.

There’s your kid comic.

And we received an email from FOS/Columnist Paul Ogata asking if we knew of anything hinky going on with Tuesday’s west coast broadcast of Last Comic Standing.

Was there something wrong with this week’s LCS? As far as I can tell, either it didn’t air here on the West Coast or my DVR failed to grab it. I’m leaning towards the former, since I have a Cox DVR and a TiVO and neither recorded it. Also, I heard from someone in Hawaii that it didn’t air there either.

Perhaps there was something which caused “Jittery Peacock Exex To Yank Feed,” as Variety might say. I figured since you guys watched it, maybe you could tell what it was.

Or maybe my DVRs need a good whack.

We haven’t heard anything… maybe our readers have. Readers?

A Charleston Gazette story, subtitled “Mild-Mannered Insurance Agent Tries Hand At Standup,” tells the story of Dave Stacy, who gets his second shot at Reality TV fame by appearing on The Travel Channel’s This Job’s a Trip (tonight at 8 PM EDT). Apparently appearing on (childhood buddy) Morgan Spurlock’s 30 Days was not enough for Stacy. So, he wangled a trip to Hollywood via the show that “puts unlikely people into fantasy jobs they’ve dreamed of for years.”

Mind you, this is his second experience with Reality TV, but he’s still surprised when he ends up in H-wood, degraded, miserable and “so discouraged he nearly packed up and went home.” Stacy says he was looking forward to what he thought “was going to be all-expense-paid comedy camp.”

Instead, Stacy was put through a series of trying ordeals in front of the camera, including trying to be funny on street corners and other unlikely locations.

“The next thing you know, I’m on the stage at the Hollywood Improv,” Stacy said. There was little training and virtually no time to prepare. “I literally wrote the material two hours before I went on.”

Sounds familiar. Reality TV has turned into one episode of TV’s Bloopers & Practical Jokes after another, only less funny (if you can imagine that). The Reality fad has lasted far longer than anyone could have predicted. By now, it should have morphed into that interactive soap opera that was depicted in “Rollerball”… or was it “Fahrenheit 451”? Or both?

“They say 50 percent of those people who have tried the Improv either throw up or have just thrown up,” says Stacy. Who is feeding him this tidbit? No doubt one of the show’s producers… hoping that, through the power of suggestion, they would actually have their subject ralph on camera… now that‘s compelling TV! Or… the producer only goes to the Improv on Funniest Bulimic in L.A. Night.

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April Macie GONE! Stella Stolper GONE! But first…

Clark tells them that there’ll be a “Head to head competition between three comics…” Wouldn’t that be “head to head to head?” Maybe?

Lots of fat jokes. Those are always great! Dontcha think?

Stella Stolper tries gamely to introduce some spice into the reality television proceedings by being mean and vindictive! You know, nothing endears you to a television audience like mean and vindictive. It’s fun to watch, you know? And she’s about to give birth, so that gives the meanness a special sort of… poignance? Is that the appropriate word?

The Gypsy Lady? You remember the Gypsy Lady from the last Last Comic Standing. Apparently, she has such a good manager that her contract stipulated that her tired, sorry ass be used in perpetuity. She is, however, more animated and likeable than Anthony Clark.

The point of the heckling exercise, says Clark, is to see “who can dish it out and who can take it.” Don’t the clubs have bouncers that pretty much make this point moot? At least the better clubs do. Why not just have the comics do a hell gig somewhere in Fresno or Victorville? At least spare the comics from the ignominy of having to heckle another comic. Through this exercise, the contestants run the risk of having the audience view them all as pathetic, desperate individuals, incapable of saying “no” to even the most shameful requests. (Actually, after seeing the heckling challenge, there is no risk. They have demonstrated it quite clearly.) Oh, it’s all in good fun, you say.

Good for Joey Gay for refusing to take the bait for staying silent when asked to heckle April Macie.

Were there better ways of dreaming up challenges that didn’t subject comedians to this kind of degradation? Certainly. Why they were beyond the imagination or obscured by the prejudices of the producers of the show is inexplicable.

Comics: The next time you get heckled by some loser who thinks he’s “helping out the show,” you may have Last Comic Standing to thank.

As Clark announces the “winner” of the Heckler Challenge (“Winner” is such a relative term in this case), he says, “People… were… crying.” Yes, Anthony, people were crying– the many club owners who were watching their livelihoods quite possibly being destroyed before their eyes… the comedians watching at home who were witnessing the dignity of standup comics in general being shredded in excruciating slow motion on this steaming pile of shit that NBC calls a show. Yes, Anthony, people… were… crying.

“At this stage of the game,” says Chris Porter, “Immunity is everything.” Really? At this stage of the game, a comic can depend on his material to get by. Oh, heaven forbid comics might be depending on a skill that they’ve acquired, and have been honing incessantly, over the last 15 years or so. Oh, the horror that some comic might be required to go on a stage, with a mike, in front of a crowd and make them laugh harder than the other comic who just went up. Gee! That’s too much like… every Friday or Saturday night for the last 15 years or so. How perfectly terrifying that would be! (We aren’t off base here when we say that we might actually speak for every real comic when we say that we’d sit out every immunity challenge that came along just for the opportunity to battle another comic at actually performing! What moron wouldn’t want to take advantage of every opportunity to do his act on primetime network television?)

We’re beginning to think that the show is called Last Comic Standing because, eventually, we’re all going to be out of the business. We’ll all be gone. No one will want to watch standup, live or otherwise. Eventually there will be only one… last… comic… standing.

The previews of next week show some asshole at a radio station yelling (presumably at the comics) “Be funny!” Sorta reminds us of a typical Friday morning when we’re in a station to pump that weekend’s shows. Although, there isn’t usually someone yelling “Be funny!” And, if there is, it’s usually the most hated guy at the station. (One of the worst commands a comedian can get is “Say something funny.” Usually issued by a total tool. It’s the fastest way to get a comic to shut down..)

We’re speechless. At least now we are.

We got a request from Pat Wilson to alert comics that she’s soliciting video/pics, etc. for the second Comedytown Project. Their website hasn’t been updated in some time. (They still list March 29 to April 1, 2006 as the date for Number II… probably has something to do with Katrina, we’re guessing.) Anyway, digest the following and keep it tuned here for any updates. (Note: Those all-caps are Pat’s idea!)

TO ALL COMICS!!!!!

NOV. 10-11, 2006 ARE THE DATES FOR THE 2ND ANNUAL COMEDYTOWN PROJECT. WE ARE TAKING SUBMISSIONS FOR SHOWCASING UNTIL AUG. 1, 2006 AND WE ARE LOOKING FOR COMEDIANS WHO NEED AN INTRODUCTION TO COMEDY CLUB BOOKERS/OWNERS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY FOR WORK IN THOSE ELUSIVE “A” ROOMS.

THE COMEDYTOWN PROJECT WILL BE IN THIBODAUX, LA AND WILL ALSO INCLUDE A WORKSHOP ON NOV. 11 TO ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS ALL COMEDIANS HAVE ABOUT PRESS KITS, TALKING WITH BOOKERS, HEADSHOTS, HOW LONG SHOULD A DVD/VIDEO BE AND ANYTHING ELSE TO DO WITH BEING A PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINER.

PLEASE SEND YOUR DVD/VIDEO ALONG WITH A PICTURE AND RESUME TO:

COMEDYTOWN PROJECT
ATTN: PAT WILSON
925 UTSALADY RD.
CAMANO ISLAND, WA 98282
360-221-8161

When we said nice things about Dane Cook’s docu on HBO, we expected that some folks would disagree with our assessment. But we were taken by surprise at the virulence of the disagreement, the personal nature of the attacks and the propensity of those who disagreed with our assessment to not so much offer a counter to it, but to defend the media (who, in our opinion, said some indefensible things).

After watching episode two of the show, we still felt the same way as we did after watching the premier installment. We found it fun to watch, it moved quickly, and, when we were able to separate our TV-viewing selves from our comedian selves, we concluded that it was probably interesting enough and entertaining enough even for those who don’t make their living doing standup… for the fans, in other words.

And, if an unscientific examination and analysis of our site’s stats are any indication, the show seems to have stirred up a good amount of excitement out there about standup comedy. The buzz generated by Tourgasm is comparable to, if not more than, the buzz created by this season’s other standup-related juggernaut, Last Comic Standing.

Which means that, when viewed objectively (when examined with the aim of answering the question, Is it good for live standup comedy?), Tourgasm is a good thing– a great thing, even– for live standup comedy. And we would probably grudgingly admit that LCS is, too. (Although that remains to be seen as the season grinds on.)

One of the overriding ideas contained in Tourgasm, one of the things we liked about the concept even before we saw a second of it, was the idea that Cook, at the height of his power, chose not to horde his formidable juice but instead chose to slather it onto three other comedians (when he could have just as easily done a special featuring only him and his standup). We’ve always touted that kind of thinking. We “get” it. And, if the following is any indication, Cook himself gets that we get it. From the official Dane Cook website:

Every once in a great while (which means never) someone writes something that captures exactly what was in your heart when you did it. They articulate it and describe it in a way that you HOPE someone sees after putting all your time and energy into such an undertaking. SHECKY MAGAZINE (an online magazine supporting the world of stand up comedy) has written such a thing. They have always been a place that doesn’t pussy foot and puts it out there in plain site. Not to bash or over pat a back … they just say what is on their minds concerning this world we live in called stand up comedy. In fairness they have not always been “by my side” but I respect that. Here they review TOURGASM in a way I could only have hoped it would be percieved for what it is.

We posted about it a few days ago. The final price was $107.51 and the lucky high bidder was Doug Stanhope! Congratulations to Stanhope and The Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation and the Southern Poverty Law Center (the charitable orgs that will split the loot from the sale.)

Spotted the following cryptic item in US Weekly, under the heading, “John Gets No Love From Jennifer”:

John Mayer may want to stick to music. During a surprise standup comedy appearance at Hollywood’s Laugh Factory May 26, Mayer, 28, joked that some bad fish came between him and Jennifer Love Hewitt. The two dated briefly in 2002, but Mayer said that he never got to do the deed, because of a bout with food poisoning. “It really was me making fun of myself,” the singer-songwriter tells Us of his comedy gig, adding that he sent an apology to Hewitt, 27. “I’m a wimp.”

From what we can decipher, this item was a followup to Mayer making a fish reference onstage at the Factory, then apologizing for making said fishy reference. We think. (He made a joke about a fellow celeb, then thought better of it when it either failed to get a laugh… or was taken badly by the object of the joke… or both. Hey, Mayer: If you’re going to run with the big dogs, you gotta have some sack! Try watching Kathy Griffin a few times– she has perfected the art of never looking back!)

(Yet more proof that the current perception in H-wood is that it’s cool, once again, to be a comic. Media take note.)

We actually do think that, of all the H-wood standup dabbler types, Mayer could could actually make a go of the standup thing. We stumbled upon his VH-1 show (John Mayer Has A TV Show) a couple times and found it to be wildly funny. Mayer was likeable and seemed to possess a genuine sense of humor and the tools with which to effectively wield it. A master of self-effacement, seeming to be at times embarassed/amused by the degree to which his fans adored him.

Just got the following over the cyber-transom:

I am working on a book of the “History of Stand up Comedy thru Show Posters.” I am looking for show posters of comedians from 1920-present day. I will pay top dollar for any of these posters. Huge Finders fees also paid to anyone who can lead me to a poster(s)!!! Needless to say that full credit will be given to any Club/individual that has posters. Please contact me for further details. Any information would be greatly appreciated. Please email me or contact me directly!

Thank You,

Ralph DeLuca
157 Park Ave
Madison NJ 07940
973-377-1007
ralph@ralphdeluca.com
www.ralphdeluca.com

Just read the breathless press release about a 9-year-old boy doing comedy. (We won’t link to it because the website that hosts it opens up new browsers and switches visitors over to online poker sites when an attempt is made to close the browser window.)

(Name withheld) became the youngest standup comedian to appear at the (Name of club withheld) and he has already earned the respect of many seasoned pros.

…(Name withheld)’s teachers think he’s brilliant and could be the next Robin Williams.

The first line of the release also touts the kid as the next Jerry Seinfeld.

Google the kid and you learn that he’s been in a movie in the past 18 months. It’s a case of a kid tracked to be a child actor, so the next logical step is to get him on a stage in (Name of city withheld) to do standup. Because you know the news directors at the local radio and TV outlets just can’t resist the spectacle of a pre-pubescent boy acting all Catskillian.

Jealousy? No. Try genuine horror, true revulsion. Pardon us if we’re still traumatized by sharing the bill with a 14-year-old doing pubic hair jokes for a slack-jawed comedy club audience 20 years ago. (“I can’t grow it under my nose, but I can grow it over my hose!”)

The news directors will have an orgasm when a dog finally does standup. A cute dog. (This kind of thing isn’t fair to the folks who paid good money to hire a babysitter so they could get away from their 9-year-old kid for some real adult entertainment.)

From a Reuters article

Three standup comedians from Pakistan have jested their way to the finals of a popular Indian television show, as cultural and sporting ties lighten troubled relations between the two nuclear-armed neighbours.

For weeks, Rauf Lala and the pair of Irfan Malik and Ali Hasan— known as Pakistan’s Laurel and Hardy– held the spotlight on the The Great Indian Laughter Challenge-II, before they were chosen for the finals through a public voting system.

Way back in the ’70s they were telling us that, when satellite TV was perfected, we’d be able to see shows like this if we wanted. 500 channels was the mantra. Bullfights from Spain was one particular attraction they kept touting. Well, where’s all this programming? (We suppose we’ll hafta wait until TGILC II comes out on DVD… bootleg DVD.)

Indian films have been banned in Pakistan for 40 years, but a flourishing bootleg DVD industry and satellite television mean Pakistanis can watch Bollywood movies at home.

We’d much rather be watching the finals of The Great Indian Laughter Challenge-II than the upcoming final of LCS! Technology, comedians and goofy, bootlegged movies will save the world.

A journalist (who has also done comedy for over a decade) emailed us, trying to get himself some publicity and offering to let us have some of the many splendid interviews he’d done over the years with this comic or that comic. (Of course, we politely declined, as we only run original stuff… and we don’t pay… and we aren’t really running that kind of thing much these days anyway. And we were very polite… we used the word “Thanks” a record number of times.)

In a followup email, we (and when we say we, we mean, in this instance, The Male Half Of The Staff) made an eroor– we mistakenly speculated that his was one of the many publications that regularly says snarky things about standup comics. He went mental.

The following is just a teeny slice of an email tirade we received about 40 minutes after hitting “send” button:

Seriously, get your head out of your ass and actually take the time to read the stories in my papers before you dare to criticize them. …but when you dare to imply that I’m writing negative things about comedy and then am going to “kick it up a notch or three” on the negativity, you’d better hope I don’t come across you when I come play NYC’s Laugh Factory and Standup New York later this year or I’ll be likely to kick your head further up your ass a notch or three.

Oh woops, I guess i just went negative. Just following your lead. Am surprised you have such a negative streak, I’ve seen you in action at the Chicago Fest and you were quite the world-class ass kisser.

HOpe the site goes broke.

Unbeknownst to him, as he was typing up the above scorcher, I had realized my error and sent along the following:

I don’t know for a fact that you’ve said nasty things about comedians in the past.

I know that the Orange County freebie entertainment rag has…as has LA Weekly (They’re the worst offenders of all of them)…A red flag goes up when I see (the name of your publication…which shall remain nameless), though…Have we ever trashed (Unnamed publication) in our pages? I am too tired to do a google search of our archives…it is highly likely…though not necessarily under your byline…

You being a reporter and a comedian, can you give us any insight into the hostility the MSM and the alterna-rags have when it comes to standup comics? (mind you, I don’t want an essay…just a word, one word…maybe three at max, that might explain why journalists hate comics so much)…I usta be a journalist…so I have some theories of my own, but I don’t identify as a reporter and haven’t for some time. You, on the other hand, identify as both. What gives? Do your editors hate you when they find out you do comedy?

…I am exhausted after a horrible weekend of warring with my two remaining siblings (the other two died)…the dispute involves power of attorney over my mother who is currently in a retirement home in CT.

Here’s the lede of an article by the (PA) Patriot-News’ David Jones. It’s a story about how a Penn State marketing director chose a song for the fans to sing during games.

As in the worlds of standup comedy and popular music, very few ideas in the realm of athletic promotion are truly original. It’s almost all derivative to some extent.

Deatils are up on the Gotham website for Thursday’s “Master Stand-up Series: Over 100 years of experience packed in one show!” The next one will feature DJ Hazard, Brian McKim, Melvin George II, Janette Barber and Jim Mendrinos. We look forward to hanging out with this crew. Like we said before it’s a great hook for a standup showcase and our collective, combination editorial/personal hat is off to Mendrinos and Gotham for dreaming up the idea. Showtime is 7:30 PM EDT and there’s a two-beverage minimum.

If this is true, we’ve about had it with Last Comic Standing.

Follow the link above for a description of next Tuesday’s episode in which “a ‘Heckle Challenge’ pits comics against each other and raises the stakes.” (We saw a glimpse of this during the tease Tuesday night. We were hoping that it was just an illusion.)

Apparently, it’s all too true– comics heckling comics. Nice. Just what we all need to make our live performances just a tad more difficult for us and supremely annoying for a significant portion of the live audience: Heckling lessons, courtesy of the dunderheads who produce Last Comic Standing.

(We’re pretty sure the episode description is the real deal, as it seems to have been lifted directly from an NBC press release.)

We were concerned on Tuesday night. And we quote us:

If delivering in the clubs is not the LCS producers’ top priority, then we’re obviously out of touch with what they’re trying to achieve.

NBC quite possibly will end up conferring star status upon a gang of comics who will be wholly incapable of delivering in the clubs. And on top of that, they will promote the notion that heckling is fun, is expected and a natural part of the live standup experience (something is hasn’t been since perhaps the late 60s). A formula for disaster.

We read somewhere that NBC had hired producers and writers from other reality shows to punch up Season IV of LCS. Actually, they were hired starting in Season II and their expertise seems to be in reality television… and when it comes to standup comedy, they seem to jarringly insensitive. This approach may make for “fireworks in the house,” but for the followup– live performances in theaters across the continent by your Season IV comedy idols– it may make for some looong nights. Pretty counter-productive. There is a reason American Idol sends their top contestants out on the road for live extravaganzas– it promotes the hell out their product– the show– and it makes for an even larger juggernaut of viewers in following seasons.

For some near-hilarity, check out the “Producers’ Blog” on the NBC site:

Ultimately we are there to pick a group of people who have the potential to become stars of comedy, and who will be entertaining to watch as they compete for the title.

The audience in the theater chose Josh Blue from the first group and Gabriel Iglesias from the second (both would have been on our list too-– they killed). That left 8 berths to fill. But comedy is about as subjective as you can get, and while everyone, talent scouts, producers, and network representatives agreed on maybe 4 of the 8, fierce debate ensued about the rest. Eventually, someone suggested that we bring 12. Although there were disagreements about the 12 also, these proved to be resolvable. Thus was the problem solved and the “twist” created.

We suppose we should expect nothing more. It’s network television, Jake.

Sorry, we’ve been watching the World Cup coverage on Univision a lot lately. Spanish is creeping into our daily usage.

Again! What is up with Anthony Clarke? And what is up with Anthony Clarke’s makeup? He is positively ghostly. (Or, as our friends on Primer Impacto might say, “positivamente fantasmal!”). Or should we call him Count Clarke? (Perhaps we shall rename the show Lestat Comic Standing?)

Why is he even on the show? Just rent a host and he/she will show up and do a serviceable job. We hear they have such services in Los Angeles. (As an FOS pointed out: They have a much better host sitting on the judges’ panel– Kathy Griffin! Throw a lifeline to her and drag her up on stage. Throw an ermine-trimmed stole around Clarke (a la James Brown) and escort him to the wings, never to be seen again!)

What is with the sweetening? That editing is atrocious… there are cuts and then there are cuts. We suspect the editing is being done with a dull pocket knife. And the sweetening makes the whole affair seem like an episode of The Flintstones where Barney tries standup.

And why isn’t Clarke doing any material? And, his only joke actually used “Rancho Cucamonga” to get a laugh. Who is writing this stuff? (What? No mention of the Slauson Cutoff?) And we see from the promotion for next week’s episode that they’ve brought back the short, yellow school bus. How tired is that?

That reminds us… some unscrupulous types out there in WWW-Land are posting the information from our April 08, 2006, posting where we named the finalists in Last Comic Standing… and not crediting us! (How do we know it is our list? Because we deliberately spelled a couple names wrong… we are evil geniuses, no?)

Can you smell the horse manure? We can… it was just after Clarke said, “We had such a hard time choosing our finalists tonight, we decided to add two more.” Say, wha?! This is a travesty… or at the very least, it’s blatantly unfair to all the comis who were on last week. We are hard-pressed to understand the logic (if any) behind tonight’s decision to choose a lopsided seven contestants, compared to last week’s five. It is so clumsy, that we must ask what went so horribly wrong with the production of the show that they “decided to add two more” this week?

Of course, we here at SHECKYmagazine knew there would be twelve people, but we figured that the geniuses at NBC would figure out a decent way to finesse the extra two into the house. (But then again, the writers are invoking Rancho Cucamonga, so all bets are off!)

The five named are: Gabriel Iglesias, Bil Dwyer, Michele Balan, Stella (Stolper) and Ty Barnett. And the two who were added on at the last minute (or, as they shall forever be regarded, “the two who were added on at the last minute”) are: Kristin Key and Rebecca Corry.

A giant thumbs down to Rebecca Corry for saying (when asked why she became a comic) said, “I just hate myself a lot.” Then, seconds later, when she is announced as a last-minute add-on, she sashays onto the stage and TOTALLY DISSED (self-proclaimed) CP POSTER COMIC Josh Blue! Not even a low-five or a hand shake or a mouthed “howya doin’ buddy,” NOTHIN’! Just pushed past his extended hand as if she were running for a cab! (Someone who hates herself would at least shake hands with the disabled.)

Priceless Moments (or, The Camera is Always Upon You, Boys): Did you see the look on Flip Schultz’s and Gerry Dee’s face when they Anthony Clarke bellowed out the name of Stella (The One-Named one!) as one of the two who were added on at the last minute? It was priceless.

El amañar!

Who are these people, you might be asking. Millions of viewers will be asking the same question. And, of course, they’ll Google the names of the contestants.

Herewith are just small samples of what we could discern about tonight’s contestants from Googling their names and choosing the most promising entries. (Note: We decided to limit each search to 30 seconds!) This will give you a good idea of what Mr. and Mrs. America will be able to find out about each person that appeared tonight on a nationally televised network show:

Gabriel Iglesias

Gabriel Iglesias (born July 15, 1976) is a Mexican-American comedian from Long Beach, California. He is best known for making fun of his obesity and his ability for impressions. His opening joke is “The 5 kinds of fat”: Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy (which he says he is) and DAAAAAAAMN! He has made several guest appearances on such television shows as The Tonight Show, My Wife and Kids and in his own half hour special on Comedy Central. He was a series regular for one season of All That on Nickelodeon where his most notable role was portraying Bill Clinton.

Kristin Key

Kristin Key is the daughter of an Amarillo minister, so it’s only natural that she started doing stand-up at 19 with a fearless style of comedy that got her…

Moody McCarthy

Moody McCarthy is a quite simply one of America’s sharpest young comedy minds. Besides being in constant demand at America and New York’s very best clubs including Carolines Comedy Club, Stand-Up NY and The World Famous Comic Strip, Moody has recently made a splash on television appearing on ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Comcast’s “Comedy Spotlight,” CBS’ “Star Search” and The CBS Morning Show.

Ty Barnett

Ty realized for the first time that being black was going to be an issue when the doctor slapped him…twice… and made him cut his own umbilical cord! With his ability to put a funny and unique spin on topics such as race: “We should switch stereotypes…every 30 days,” religion: “My grandma is the only person I know with a tattoo of the Last Supper” and politics, Ty demonstrates that comedy can be funny and yet thought provoking.

Nikki Payne

Here’s a Payne we don’t want to go away. Winner of last year’s search for Canada’s Funniest New Comic, Antigonish, N.S.-born jokester Nikki Payne has made a name for herself with her brazen, fearless comedy. The loud-mouthed stand-up sports a cleft lip and, come to think of it, doesn’t hold back from giving major lip to the audience.

Malik S.

Malik S. Middleton is an African-American actor, best-known for his role as homosexual deacon Chuck (secret boyfriend of Rufus) in R. Kelly’s hip-hopera, Trapped in the Closet.

We’re not sure it’s the same guy… Hmmm… Well, all we know is, if you’re going to use your appearance in an R. Kelly video, you had better specify that it’s an authorized R. Kelly video… and not a video that is “Exhibit A” at a recent trial.

Brendan Walsh

Eventually, everybody’s gonna have to figure out whether to spell Walsh’s first name with an O or an A, because it’s likely to become a household one. Of course, it may be relegated to that room in every residence that’s reserved for laughing one’s ass off (surely your own apartment has one of these, right?), as this guy is so good at the comedic stuff he’s not only tied for this honor but he’s also this year’s official Funniest Person in Austin.

Josh McDermott

Failed the 30-second test. Sorry.

Bruce Fine

I have a predilection for comics who work with the audience. I have always seen it as the stand-up comic version of an acrobat working without a net. Not that many comics try this, few are good at it. Bruce Fine is good enough at it he uses this skill as the opening for his funny comedy about relationships that quickly segues over a few tracks to more testosterone comedy topics like strip clubs, the closing jokes on Actual Size.

Rebecca Corry

A native of Seattle, Rebecca spent 8 years in Chicago studying at the The Second City, Annoyance Theater and Center Theater. After moving to LA in 2001, Rebecca was picked to perform at the MONTREAL COMEDY FESTIVAL in the “New Faces” category.

Jon Fisch

A prolific monologist with universal appeal, Jon Fisch focuses on the idiosyncrasies of city living. After moving to NYC from his native Boston, he was chosen as one of Comedy Central’s Fresh Faces of Comedy and named one of Back Stage Magazine’s 10 Standout Stand-ups. Jon was a critical favorite at the prestigious Montreal “Just for Laughs” comedy festival as part of the “New Faces” showcase and the Club Series show “Dating It”. Following his impressive appearances, Jon was singled out by both the Hollywood Reporter and the Montreal Gazette as a “standout performer.”

Bil Dwyer

WHERE YOU’VE SEEN HIM:
“VH1’s I Love The 70s,” “Battlebots,” PAX Game show “Dirty Rotten Cheaters,” “Ally McBeal,” “The Larry Sanders Show” and “Comedy Central Presents: Bil Dwyer”

Stella

Stella Stolper Hosts her own show “Uncensored Wednesdays” at the World famous Laugh Factory in Hollywood. She sold out the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas, toured to The New York Underground Comedy Festival and is a champion for foul mouthed housewives everywhere.

Mike Bocchetti

Mike Bocchetti has made appearances on the Howard Stern Show, and was featured on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing.” He’s a veteran in the comedy world and has an affable and unique style.
He’s one of the true nice guys in comedy. Mike’s material is suitable for all audiences.

Gerry Dee

Gerry Dee began his comedy career in a very different fashion. The son of Scottish immigrant parents, Gerry was born in Scarborough, Ontario and grew up in Toronto. He currently splits his time between living in Los Angeles and Toronto. In California, he performs regularly at The Laugh Factory, The GComedy and Magic Club, The Ice House and The Improv.

Flip Schultz

Since the wee age of 8, Flip Schultz knew he wanted to be a stand-up comedian. It was at this age that he won a talent show for doing stand-up and beating the more “popular” kids who did singing and dancing routines…how clichÈ!

Michele Balan

The comic princess! Well known in the gay community, Michele Balan’s humor is truly universal, or as she refers to herself—bi-comical. This is comedy everyone can relate to—dating, aging, breaking up—she tackles it all! On aging, she says “I’m not yet in menopause, I’m just on pause,” and “If I ask someone to sleep with me, I really mean sleep.”

J. Chris Newberg

J. Chris Newberg is one of the most original talents to burst upon the stand-up comedy scene in years. Picture Bob Dylan and his six-string with Dennis Miller’s incisive, cerebral wit and you begin to glimpse the unique comedy talent that is J. Chris Newberg.

Dan Levy

Miami, May 10, 2006 – Frankie Muniz and Harvey Keitel star in writer/director Howard Himelstein’s coming-of-age dramedy, “My Sexiest Year,” which began production in Miami Beach earlier this month. Muniz and Keitel head a cast that includes Amber Valletta, Karolina Kurkova, Dan Levy, Haylie Duff, Rachel Specter, Ryan Cabrera, Nick Zano and Daphna Kastner. The story of a young man’s never-to-be-forgotten romantic encounter with an international supermodel, “My Sexiest Year” is produced by Paul Parmar and Michael Cerenzie. Executive producer is Belle Avery, co-executive producer is Merlin Reaume. Amy Balsam is co-producer. William Gilmore serves as line producer.

Doug Benson

I know, I know, it’s been a while. I’ve been busy. Doing shit. Turns out Doug not only loves movies, he also loves drugs and television. (VH1’S CELEBRITY EYE CANDY is the best/worst thing that ever happened to me.) But I ran out of weed this morning, and my cable got cut off because I forgot to pay the bill, so I’ve got some time to take a look at films you probably won’t be taking a look at. (And I probably won’t as well!)

The whole affair seemed rush to us. As if each comic were shot out of a cannon. A giant, multi-chambered cannon that held 20 comics.

We’re skeptical that not all that many of the folks that made it into the house will be able to really deliver in the clubs, on the road, night after night, on the highways and biways of Standup America. We will reserve judgement. There were a few folks who appeared over the past two weeks that we know for a fact who are capable, but they weren’t presented as such. So, there may well be some among the final twelve who are actually better than they came across on TV. We hope so. Right now, however, we’re concerned. If delivering in the clubs is not the LCS producers’ top priority, then we’re obviously out of touch with what they’re trying to achieve. But it isn’t rocket science to achieve both– Get ten (or twelve!) people who can deliver in the clubs (in the headline position), act in a sitcom (reasonably well), be of sufficiently diverse ethnic/genderal background and still make for some fireworks in a reality show setting. It has been done. They’ve done it.

Everyone into the pool!

We felt the need to bring a reply to a comment up to the surface. Enjoy:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Chris O” wrote:

“Boy, I know you guys are on the conservative side, but this post reads like a caricature. I like you guys, so I don’t want to seem like I’m jumping down your throats, but “MSM”? Really? The show was incredibly boring, and the Variety review was right on.”

To which we reply:

We defend a comic against particularly billious reviews (and use the term “MSM” in the course of doing same) and we’re all of a sudden conservative? How exactly does that work? For the record, we’ve ripped into the so-called “alternative press” and we’ve also taken it to such non-MSM outlets as Suck.com (may they R.I.H.). We’ve also taken conservo radio host Laura Ingraham to task for making clumsy and uncomplimentary generalizations about all comics. Give us a little more credit. (Or read us a little longer or a little more frequently before jumping to such conclusions.)

“Chris O” also wrote:

“Just because someone writes a negative review, it doesn’t make it ‘hateful’.”

To which we reply:

Certainly not. But we’re not the ones who are making up the ground rules about what is hate speech and what isn’t. We remind you that Tom Shales called all comedians “monkeys.”

There is legitimate criticism… and then there is bile-filled invective that is not so much criticism as it is self-indulgent pandering that is indicative of a real, deep-seated hatred of an entire group. Go back and read those reviews. Tell us that you can view them, through any political prism, and that you can reasonably regard them as as decent, reasoned analysis that isn’t tinged with some kind of personal bias.

What is wrong with this picture? We defend a fellow comedian against third-rate garbage and we‘re the ones with the problem?

Let’s remind ourselves again: Tom Shales called us all “monkeys.” And he said so without any qualifiers, no attempt at a joke, no shading.

Put aside your personal jealousies, your aesthetic standards, any possible political or ideological differences and contemplate that for a minute.

We are all, in the opinion of a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist for a major American daily, monkeys.

Separated at birth?

Comedian Taylor Negron (right) bears a striking resemblance to U.S. Mens Soccer coach Bruce Arena. Or is it the other way around?

One of our readers, Darrin Hensley, alerted us to the Washington Post Tourgasm review by the ever dyspeptic Tom Shales. Herewith is the money quote:

Unfortunately, the show’s format… is off-putting from the outset, largely because comedians are among the most self-absorbed and self-fascinated creatures on the planet– monkeys in front of mirrors who seem never to tire of making allegedly funny faces.

Have you seen Tom Shales on any of his television appearances? He has a great face for telegraphy. He should be so lucky to look in the mirror and see a monkey. There is plainly something wrong with the man that he harbors such animosity toward comedians. The Washington Post wouldn’t let anyone get away with such bigotry toward any other group. (He just took a buyout from the WashPo, so we probably won’t have to deal with his drivel any more.)

Says Hensley of the review: “Don’t get me wrong… I like making funny faces but jeez… I’m not always looking in the mirror.”

PS: If you’re here to read our review of Tourgasm, scroll down.

THE AUCTION IS NOT OVER! We reported Monday night that 3,089 people viewed it and 16 bids were recorded and that the final selling price was $105! However, Mark Saldana emailed us overnight to tell us that NBC ordered him to take down the auction, as no contestants were allowed to benefit monetarily from the show (?). Saldana has now put up the red envelope ALONG WITH the C&D letter from the NBC legal boys on eBay (click on CORRECTED URL BELOW), and now proceeds from both will go to charity. Look for the C&D to appear on the popular Smoking Gun website (we’ll provide the URL for that soon!)!

Mark Saldana received the coveted “red envelope” after his LCS tryout, but got cut before the finals. He has decided to auction off this keepsake via eBay!

Unfortunately they selected 50 comics and cut a bunch before the finals. I was one of those. However I still have the red envelope. Then when the show aired I got completely cut out and they made me look like I never got picked. If you watch the Tempe selection round you’ll see me onstage front and center (I’m the chubby indian guy in the brownish pants who’s super good looking) and then I dissapear during some of the selections. Guess they should have picked me last, made it easier on the editing team.

So now part of TV history can be yours!!! There were only 50 envelopes given out and I suppose the other 49 comics will keep theirs. Luckily I couldn’t give a shit!

Bid early and bid often! Own a piece of comedy/TV history!

FOS Terry Reilly hipped us to a short piece in the Wall Street Journal, by Julia Angwin, on the WWW’s newest humor site:

The Project: Former AOL marketing executive Charlie Warner has put about $500,000 into the launch of DailyComedy.com, a Web site with a staff of 14 professional comedians that will post fresh material throughout each day. Mr. Warner says “this is for people who want stuff that is more dependable,” than the scatalogical humor on sites like CollegeHumor.com and the more traditional comedians on Comedy Central. “This is America’s funniest comedians, fresh every day,” Mr. Warner says.

The Outlook: DailyComedy is entering a crowded category. Big sites like News Corp.’s MySpace.com and Time Warner’s AOL have pumped up their comedy offerings, and lots of home-grown joke sites attract loyal followings. Still, Mr. Warner has a chance to attract advertisers with the promise of a site that’s safe and clean and slightly more highbrow than the college joke properties.

“Safe and clean and slightly more highbrow,” is the angle that Warner is working here. At least according to Angwin, but that was probably scraped directly from the press release. Not much of an angle, considering how many joke sites clog the WWW… and how many jokes circulate virally. The angle is especially puzzling, since, in the DailyComedy’s Terms of Service, is this: “Please be aware that Daily Comedy.com often contains adult content or content that some may find offensive”

When all is said and done, is this site not wildly redundant? And not just a little behind the curve?

Still, we’re pleased to see some real, live comics picking up a paycheck or two or three for writing comedy. (Nice to see that Warner didn’t just go shopping at Harvard for a bunch of 20-something irony-mongers.) But that might be the only positive thing we can say about the venture.

There are some features of the site that are jarring– The first thing that caught our eye was a Flash animation of CEO Warner being hit in the face with a pie by writer Ray Ellin. The little Flash playlet eventually yields to the tagline, “DailyComedy.com, where the comics are in charge.” We suppose that the pie was fresh, (in keeping with Warner’s boast), but the cream pie image/icon should be shelved permanently (along with the Rubber Chicken, the Nose and Glasses thing and the Hurling of the Rotten Tomato). Those icons haven’t been a part of the American zeitgeist in at least fifty years. (We apologize for using the term zeitgeist, but we’re fairly certain that we actually used it correctly in this instance!)

Also somewhat off-putting is the fact that readers are invited to “Add a riff or rebuttal, or share an idea” to each comic’s bit and that “our comedians take requests.” Oh? They do? Yipe.

Readers also have an option to automatically email individual bits to a friend.

And readers are invited to rate each bit. (Rate it from zero to five stars.) We suppose this is harmless enough… and may even prove to be beneficial to the writers in the long run. After all, the worst thing about humor-writing grind (either for the internet or for radio), is the utter lack of feedback. (Or, the utter lack of positive feedback, as it seems that negativity is the only thing that seems to spur folks to write.) The star system seems to be window dressing, though– can’t the webmaster simply note the number of times a reader has been moved to email the bit to a friend enough of a measure of a bit’s popularity?

Another feature invites readers to “create a comedy stage.” (We suspect that it’s a sign of Warner’s incessant preaching of the gospel of internet interactivity during his sting as, “a Vice President in AOL’s Interactive Marketing division.”

But he left that position in 2002. Four years ago… an eternity in WWW years. A whole lot of ideas have emerged, burned brightly and briefly, then died horrible deaths, taking fortunes and dreams, both large and small, down with them. This site sounds like an idea left over from the dotcom bubble.

Near as we can tell, Warner is mainly a radio guy who then retreated into academia before ending up at AOL in the late 90s. This is his comeback.

The WSJ spilt some precious ink on DailyComedy.com, so it automatically has a headstart on the next few humor sites that launch. And we suspect that in addition to the half-million bucks that Warner has budgeted, he’s also calling in all his favors from his stint as an AOL suit– so he’s got a lot riding on it and he fully expects it to succeed.

So we have an irresistible urge to handicap the race, so to speak. Our early prediction: Early excitement among some folks not in the laughs biz, followed by utter and total rejection among those who actually make a living writing and performing, eventually limping to a slow and ignominous death.

Comics won’t dig it. (It’s billed as a “virtual comedy club,” which will make any real comic wince.) And the general tone of the site is… off somehow. The pie in the face was merely our first indication that something was amiss. The staff writers were forced to pose with zany props (a baseball bat, stuffed animals, puppets, the old arrow-through-the-head) for their official pics and Warner appears at one point wearing a dunce cap. (!)

And, here’s Rule #4 of their “Get Discovered” contest:

The bits should work off this setup: “Two guys walk into a bar…” Run with it, be creative, have a blast … but remember: “creative” doesn’t have to mean filthy. In this case, it can’t: Advertisers don’t like filthy. So just be funny.

Huh? And prospective entrants are told, “If you win, you’ll get discovered—- and the world will know that you’re a real comedian!” Huh? Wha?!

Warner is a radio guy who hid out in Academe for a while (Leonard Goldenson Endowed Professor, University of Missouri School of Journalism) before landing a gig at AOL, where, near as we can tell, he was supposed to crack the whip and get radio stations to heel to AOL and supply them with their content. Apparently, that plan backfired miserably.

Cheapshot Alert: Here’s a sentence from one of Warner’s posts on his blog, where he calls himself the Media Curmudgeon:

The Media Curmudgeon, along with the majority of the Wall Street community, thought Microsoft was the most logical buyer of a big piece of AOL from Time Warner because we felt Microsoft needed AOL more than anyone else did in order to make its late-to-market search product competitive with Google’s, which has a huge lead, to some degree because of the huge traffic it gets from AOL.

That’s 69 words… in one sentence… if we counted right. And this guy was a prof at a school that is often cited as one of the top three J-schools in the country. That sentence would get you a D, even if you were attending Temple‘s J-school.

The new HBO documentary (they insist it’s a reality show) is wildly entertaining. And it all comes down from the top. Dane Cook is ridiculously optimistic, positive and saintlike in his role as tour guide. The Tourgasm tour starts out in our beloved Burbank, where Gary Gulman, Robert Kelly and Jay Davis board the bus and head north to the Bay Area for their first show at Sonoma State.

While the venues are larger and the transportation a bit more luxurious than the vast majority of us are accustomed to, I think we can relate to nearly everything else that’s depicted in the half-hour episode. It’s full of laughs. It’s full of stupidity. It depicts comics delighting large halls filled with enthusiastic fans. It’s upbeat like hardly anything else that’s ever been centered on standup. There were moments of joy and frivolity in Seinfeld’s “The Comedian,” but it was low-key. There are occasional standup specials that attempt to capture, in taped intros, what it’s really like to be a comic, but they usually opt for the cool, detached, ironic thing or they go too far in the other direction and depart from reality altogether with wacky, zany fantasy scenarios. And then there was last year’s Comedians of Comedy Tour movie that was a downer from start to finish.

Cook is relentlessly upbeat, to reuse an overused phrase. Even the moments of tension– no doubt included to provide some sort of dramatic contrast– were quickly defused, often to great comic effect. And the editing seems to have been done by someone (hold onto your hats, people) by someone who not only understands comics and standup comedy, but actually likes standup comics and standup comedy.

Remind us again how television will kill standup.

And remind us why anyone reads Variety). (And, after reading the Variety review, please recall that it’s not paranoia if they’re actually out to get you.)

And the dusty turds who write for Hollywood Reporter said similarly sad (and embarassingly revealing) things about the show. This is a watershed moment in the Standup Comedy/Mainstream Media divide. We will watch the rest of the series and also monitor the reaction of the staid, dying MSM Entertainment Hacks.

We can only conclude that something else is bothering them. Perhaps they’re throwing a hissy/pissy fit because Cook has done the unthinkable: He’s achieved a wicked large level of fame and a measurable amount of power without the help of the Antique Media (gasp!). His skillful manipulation of the internet and his navigation of the oft treacherous entertainment waters in fairly unorthodox ways was enough to rocket him into a position usually reserved for people who were “anointed,” who were “deserving.” The hate-filled prose spun out by the Entertainment Press betrays their horror at the heretical path that Cook has taken. This oughta get interesting.

This series represents nothing short of a nightmare for the MSM.

Editors note: See this posting, from Dec. 1, 2007 on the death of Joe Restivo, the comedian.

What are the odds? Two Joe Restivo‘s, both did/do standup comedy.

Well, according to the obit in the LA Times, Joe Restivo, 54-year-old restarateur and onetime standup comic is dead.

Joe Restivo, a onetime stand-up comic and the former longtime co-owner of Vitello’s restaurant in Studio City, where actor Robert Blake and his wife dined the night she was killed, has died. He was 54.

Of course the real Joe Restivo (the one working with The Male Half of the Staff in Reno at the beginning of next month) is still alive and well and spent most of yesterday fielding phone calls assuring people that he was still drawing breath.

We haven’t heard from him yet, but we’ve emailed a request for a quote.

Drew Carey’s Sporting Adventures is a Travel Channel series that “follows comedian Drew Carey as he journeys across Spain to photograph Europe’s most important soccer derby, Real Madrid versus Barcelona,” in its first installment tonight at 9 PM EDT.

Subsequent episodes (schedule here) look over Carey’s shoulder as he travels to Germany to wallow in the world’s biggest sporting event, the World Cup! The above link takes you to a sked that lists only three episodes, but we hear that there might be more produced as the crew shoots more footage at the actual tournament. Stay tuned.

(The Female Half of the Staff comes from a soccer family, so she’ll be watching a vast chunk of the games. Note to Bruce Helford: If Carey needs a plucky female sidekick, the FHotS has a valid passport!)

(Ya gotta love the internet! So, we’re reading a bizarre story about a Tibetan comedian (“Tibetan comedian works to preserve ethnic comedy”) on an English-language version of Xinhua, an obscure Chinese news agency, when we scroll down to the bottom of the story and see “Al-Qaida’s chief Zarqawi killed.” Of course, the Tibetan comedian story is so bizarre, that it sounds like a clever Onion-type hoax, so we’re skeptical that this Zarqawi story is the real deal. But we’re now confident that both stories are the real deal.)

Thupten looks perfectly composed as he pauses for a moment waiting for the audience to finish laughing before bouncing another tongue twister off his straight man, which again is interrupted by a roar of laughter.

For 60 years, the folk artist in the brown Tibetan gown has triggered laughter wherever he goes. Thupten’s comedy circuit has taken him to outlying Tibetan communities, China’s major metropolis and clubs in Europe and the United States.

He was among the first to adapt “Xiangsheng,” or crosstalk, a traditional form of Chinese standup comedy to the Tibetan language.

It gets better. Our favorite part:

Yet Thupten’s success story is full of trials and troubles as even the good old days lacked financial rewards. “In the heyday of Tibetan crosstalks in the 1980s, we were often invited to perform in the countryside. All the eight of us had to live in two small offices for the night and the food was meagre at best,” he said.

“We were poorly paid back then, and my wife insisted I quit the job and make a stable income as a farmer.” But the love of art and the laughter and applause from local herders kept him going.

Did you ever think you would eventually discover that you had something to talk about with a Tibetan monk? Read the whole thing. (And remember: “State-run Chinese television broadcasts killed Tibetan crosstalk.”)

The Male Half of the Staff remembers his Old Man explaining to him the meaning of this phrase once. Not sure what the occasion was. It stuck with him. It popped into the front of the brain upon reading the following from the Philadelphia City Paper, a listing in their Ultimate Summer Fun ’06 cover story:

The sketches on Comedy Central’s Mind of Mencia only look good when they run those redneck blue-collar guys right before it, but Carlos Mencia’s a pretty sharp standup. I mean, he’s a race-baiting, close-minded dick, but he’s funny. 8 p.m., $49.50-$59.50, Borgata Event Center, 1 Borgata Way, Atlantic City, N.J., www.gotickets.com.

Hey! Whaddya know! A two-fer! (Or, if you count the “redneck blue-collar guys” as four distinct individuals, it’s a five-fer! Good luck asking these folks to regard any comedians as distinct individuals. We’re all boorish nitwits.)

If nothing else, it is an exquisite example of the intense hatred with which the Antique Media, particularly the prissy “alternative” media, regards standup comics. (And, they are soooo conflicted. What would Jason and Hortense and the guys at the co-op think if they saw me… laughing?! And at something so… so… vulgar?!?! Better to guffaw at something that just seems humorous. Where is my Prairie Home Companion CD, dammit?!)

Who is the “close-minded dick” here? The answer is obvious.

We just read a curious story about how Microsoft has signed Demetri Martin to a hairy deal. He is now known as the Multiplatform Poster Boy.

Sources said Microsoft plans to make Martin the face of a massive multipronged campaign in support of its upcoming Windows Vista operating system, an updated version of Windows scheduled to roll out for consumers in January. Part of the campaign will be 10 webisodes featuring Martin that will run on Microsoft’s portal, MSN, which has been making a strong push into original entertainment.

Microsoft declined comment.

Wha?! Microsoft declined comment? Why ever would they decline comment?

No matter. The times, they are a changin’. (That reminds us… have you heard Bob Dylan hosting that show on XMRadio? He’s awful!)

This is interesting for many reasons, many or which we haven’t digested. We are reminded that, just a few years ago, Dell, a monster computer manufacturer, had a spokesman (“The Dell Dude”) who was their face. All he did was show up for commercial shoots, appear in print ads and probably show up at the occasional corporate event. That was in the dark days before VP’s of Marketing and ad execs were wedging the word “multiplatform” into every third sentence. (Then the Dell dude gets popped for marijuana possession in NYC and quickly sinks into obscurity.)

Now we have Comedy Central, all hopped up on the gospel of multiplatformism, flogging many of their properties to huge corporate entities, Martin being one of them. (“For Comedy Central, alternative platforms including stand-up tours and record deals are increasingly becoming part of its business. Carlos Mencia, star of the network’s “Mind of Mencia,” has a similar arrangement.”) These are among the first of many deals that will roll out in the next few months. (Recall that, just a few weeks ago, Sarah Silverman, Stephen Colbert and Mencia jumped through hoops for MTVN as they pitched their multiplatform scenario to advertisers in the upfronts.) It’s the wave of the near future. Unless it rattles apart and fails to deliver like they say it will. (Which isn’t entirely out of the question. In last Friday’s Wall Street Journal, there was a huge article about how HBO/Time Warner has stopped pushing synergy. The way they talked about synergy a couple years ago, you woulda thought that we would all end up as part of a giant media conglomerate. Now, however, the entire concept has been discredited and HBO/TW is thinking of shedding some divisions and telling its division heads to strike deals outside the company. We could be reading similar articles about “multiplatform” in just a few months.)

Get those deals while you can, people. The gravy train might grind to a halt sooner than you think.

They’re in the “historic Alex Theater” in front of a packed house of screaming standup fans. Anthony Clark is hosting. And shaking. What’s up with that? And what’s up with his pants? Did he borrow a pair from Gary Gulman? And is anyone else wondering what makes the “historic Alex Theater” so damned historic?

As the voiceover said at the top of the show, this is the episode where the comics chosen last week “…are taken from their homes and shipped to Hollywood,” a rather unfortunate choice of words, conjuring up nasty pictures, especially for our Jewish viewers.

This just in: A promo for an upcoming NBC show just depicted what looked like a contestant attacking Joe Rogan. What kind of mental moron would pick up a fight with Joe Rogan? Have you seen him up close? He knows martial arts, he’s built like a tank and he eats THC-laced lollypops! VCR alert! VCR alert! Fast forward past the bug-eating and get to the good stuff!

Twenty comics went up:

Vargus Mason
Kira Soltanovich
Theo Von
Jackie Kashian
Chris Porter
Roz
David Huntsberger
Saleem
Doug Mellard
Josh Blue
Matt Fulchiron
Josh Wolf
Nikki Glaser
Chip Chinery
April Macie
John Roy
Wild Willie Parsons
Tig Notaro
Modi Rosenfeld
Joey Gay

Of those twenty, Chris Porter, April Macie, Joey Gay, Roz and Josh Blue move into the house, which is really not a house at all, but an oceanliner that hasn’t plied the high seas in some time. (Of course, you all knew that, since you read this magazine and we published those names back in early April.)

Of the twenty, Mason, Soltanovich, Rosenfeld, Wolf, Saleem and Jackie Kashian got so little face time in last week’s premiere, that it was a shock to see them tonight.

Josh Blue, in the taped piece before he’s introduced: “I don’t know of any other comics with a disability who has gotten on national television and really said what they had to say.” (Or something like that… we weren’t listening closely… we couldn’t keep our eyes off that headband!)

Uh… Josh… Does the name Gerry Jewell ring a bell? Brett Leake, maybe? Kathy Buckley? Hell, even Totie Fields was doing it with one leg shortly before she died. Roger Ritenhouse, perhaps? It’s bad enough when comics don’t know their comedy history; but when the disabled comics don’t know their disabled comedy! (We’re criticizing Josh Blue. We suppose he would say that we, too, are going to hell for it.)

Twenty more go up next Tuesday night and they’ll extract five more out of them and you’ll have your ten, America.

Oh, the irony: Celebrity judge Kathy Griffin just told Wild Willie Parsons that he’s “very polished.” (Pretty funny, since he’s trying to cultivate the look of a hardened criminal biker.) Of the twenty, Parsons was one of only a handful out of the twenty who looked like they’d been doing it for some time, looked experienced. Jackie Kashian, Saleem, Chip Chinery were in that category as well. There may have been others, but they were victims of editing, perhaps.

We’re detecting the continuation of a disturbing trend: The Acting Thing. Also known as the Hollywood Disease. Mere jokes are passé. In order to be desired by casting agents, managers, network suits and others, one must present the premise, then act it out… three or four times, if necessary. Energy is required. Energy is worshipped above all. Jokes? What are they but the crutch of the… the… what do you call them? Ah, yes– the comedian. (That last word is spat out with disgust, as if the speaker has accidentally inhaled a large horsefly.)

Speaking of jokes… it is absolutely fascinating to see what people pick out for their big-time Three-Minute Network Set. Of course, the LCS producers are slicing and dicing, but still, after editing, we’re seeing 30 per cent of what the comics chose to go with. Oh, sure, we can envision a lot of it this material being done within the context of a 45-minute set, but for a set at the “Historic Alex Theater,” when you’ve only got three minutes, a lot of it makes no sense.

Thumbs down: Nikki Glaser, for making that crack about how some of these comics have been doing comedy since she was a toddler. MeOW!

Thumbs up: Jackie Kashian, for saying that exposure via LCS would mean that, when she hits the road and performs live, “more people will give a shit.” She gets it.

And a giant “Thank You!” to Theo Von for introducing us to the delights of what will undoubtedly become a catch phrase around SHECKYmagazine HQ! He said, and we are dead certain this was how it went: “…and here’s my thing is…” that is one hell of an transitional clause, we tell ya!

They’re repeating last week’s episode tonight at 8 PM EDT, to be followed by:

Episode #403…Round one of the comic semifinals begins

is how it’s described on Yahoo! We’ll be watching… then blogging.
And, if you can’t catch tonight’s episode, fear not, as NBC is determined to show it again and again.

Future Airings:

* Last Comic Standing, BRAVO Jun 07 11:00pm
* Last Comic Standing, BRAVO Jun 08 10:00pm
* Last Comic Standing, NBC Jun 13 09:00pm
* Last Comic Standing, BRAVO Jun 14 11:00pm
* Last Comic Standing, BRAVO Jun 15 10:00pm

FOS Larry Getlen, writing for the NY Post, recounts one of Jerry Seinfeld‘s anecdotes from his recent taping of TV Land’s Sit-Down Comedy with David Steinberg. The erstwhile TV star says…

…that he owes his incredible comedy success to a television failure– an ill-fated, three-episode stint on the show Benson. Seinfeld played the governor’s joke writer, but the character was underdeveloped and went nowhere…So the producers decided to fire him. The only problem? “They didn’t bother to tell me.”

An angry Seinfeld said it was then that he decided to dedicate himself fully to the art of stand-up. “I’m gonna be a comedian,” he recalled thinking, “because I can control that.”

Getlen frequently contributes items about standup comics to Bankrate.com and his byline appears regularly in the NY Post. He is the editor of “The Idiot’s Guide to Jokes.”

It’s the Sunny. Funny. Money. $50,000 Comedy Competition. Submit your short video (5 minutes or less, “stand-up or a sitcom, or just a funny bit”) by June 12 and you might win a $50,000 development deal from FX. Go here for details.

There’s another Myspace page out there that proposes to name names when it comes to reporting comics who steal material. As with the other sites who have tried this in the recent past, it will do so anonymously.

We suspect that this site will slowly disintegrate like the others. We sent him an email and told him “quit being a pussy and attach your name to the site.”

Being accused of stealing (rightly or wrongly) is the worst charge anyone can level at a comic. That the accuser is anonymous is reprehensible.

“i hate hacks….thieves, crooks, etc…….thats my opinion,” writes the brave, anonymous Inquisitor. To which we reply, “Who doesn’t?”

But we are of the opinion that each of us has a right to face our accuser. We’re funny that way. We’ve always thought that these matters are best handled on a one-to-one basis. Trying to do it anonymously is dumb and cowardly.

No.

Where did everyone get this notion that LCS was for amateurs only? And that the show’s integrity, it’s purity, was somehow compromised by the presence of “ringers” or pros or people who already had some amount of television exposure?

We’ve been reading here and there– a forum or two, a newsgroup– that some folks are disgruntled that folks like Bil Dwyer or Doug Benson are spoiling it for the up and comers that rightfully deserve the fame and fortune conferred upon the eventual winners of Last Comic Standing. This is hogwash.

Doesn’t anyone remember that Ralphie May, Rich Vos, Cory Kahaney, et al, were featured in the first season? These folks all had several years of club experience under their belts. They were not, by any definition, amateurs. In all the publicity, NBC continues to call it a search for “the funniest person in America,” and they make no mention of amateur. Perhaps people confuse this contest with American Idol.

NBC knows that salting the competition with too many amateurs would be a disaster. The contestants (some, not all) are required to do too much time in order to progress on the show. It would be excruciating for the audiences– at home and in the theater– to witness a gaggle of amateurs try to do standup. It’s best left to the Dwyers and the Bensons of the world.

NBC admitted as much in their opening Tuesday night when they boasted about the standup success of their winners… and conspicuously left off the name of Dat Phan. Bodden and Heffron have gone on to represent the show well in live performances subsequent to their victories– because they were experienced to begin with. Part of the success of the show comes when the people that win actually go out there and tour Standup America and kick ass– just as a dozen or so have done in the past two years.

This notion that the show is for amateurs may derive from the fact that NBC uses the word “undiscovered” a lot. Just because someone has appeared in a Comedy Central’s Premium Blend or on NBC’s Late Friday, doesn’t mean they’ve been discovered. (Ask anyone who has appeared on those shows– they’ll tell you they could always use a little more “discovery.”)

And the mystery of Buck Star may be solved. There is word on the street that he is a production assistant on the show and that he is not a serious participant in the auditions. He’s a plant. This would explain why he is able to be in all the towns where the show holds its cattle calls. Of course, after viewing the moribund interaction between Star and the show’s judges, we’re not sure why it was done more than once… or, why the first time around even saw the light of day.

There’s a second chance internet runoff being conducted currently at NBC.com, which we were remind of by sharp-eyed reader Ron, who wrote:

Don’t know whether anyone else noticed, but NBC is running an online contest with some comics who were not originally selected. According to nbc.com, the winner of the online contest will “advance to the next round.” Listed on the site are:

FRED BOTHWELL
Let’s hear it for Texas, feeling dainty, and having warm, buttery buns.

KAITLIN COLOMBO
Ever wonder what kind of comedy a gay man’s 19-year-old daughter would perform?

FRANCES DILORENZO
Clap your hands for that chick you’ve never heard of!

SAPNA KUMAR
Because an ovary is a terrible thing to waste.

LARRY REEB
Wise words of wisdom from your uncle Larry.

Near as we can tell, they select five more next week, run their brief clips and implore folks to vote for their favorite “to get back on the show.” To vote, click here.

…sorta.

We hear reports from the field that Kimmel chastised the folks at US Weekly for being crass. Yes, you read that right.

From what we can piece together, Kimmel held up a copy of the Wenner Media mag while seated at his desk in the early going on Tuesday night’s installment of his show.

(That publication’s Fashion Police regularly taps eight or nine or ten comics and/or writers to make snarky comments on the questionable fashion choices of the beautiful people.)

Kimmel’s beef (we suspect) was that they had chosen to mock a celebrity (although as yet unknown, we figure it was Kimmel’s girlfriend Sarah Silverman), who was depicted entering (or exiting) a rape awareness fundraiser. (The logic being, we suspect, that folks entering or exiting such a worthy cause should be exempt from the catty comments of a bunch of smart alecks in a glossy gossip mag. Although, we’re really not sure what transpired.)

We hear that when the camera closed in on a tight shot of the page, the comment most prominently featured was authored by– Traci Skene, editor and publisher of the WWW’s most beloved magazine about standup comedy!

We’re currently trying to get a videotape of the segment. If anyone out there has one, let us know! (There’s a SHECKYmagazine T in it for the first person to contact us!)

Live at Gotham is described on the Comedy Central website as…

Comedy Central’s first stand-up series to premiere on Comedy Central’s MotherLoad broadband player before its on-air network debut. The series is filmed at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City…

There follows a set of directions for folks over the age of 16 on how to view it first, in chunks, via broadband, then again, in its entirety, via the old-fashioned television. It’s multiplatform, dontcha know.

Gone are the days when a network or a cable outlet would cook up an idea for a TV show, shoot it, schedule it, then air it. A show is now not just a show, but an opportunity to “give digital advertising opportunities equal if not more attention than the TV programming from which they are derived.” Say wha? (For those of you who aren’t “alpha consumers” or “early adapters,” let’s just say it’s an opportunity to wring more cash out of the same product. If you insist on thinking in Antique Media terms, think of it this way: Remember when the daily papers usta serialize a book? They’d run a few broadsheet pages of a popular author’s upcoming novel or non-fiction tome over a period of a few weeks and the readers could hardly wait to purchase the next day’s edition– and eventually purchase the hard cover copy of the book itself… or hold off and purchase the paperback version. Serialization, hard cover version, paperback version– all different ways to squeeze revenue out of the same product… only back then, if anyone would have referred to the daily paper as a “platform,” he would have been immediately remanded to jail and eventually burned at the stake without benefit of a trial.)

We’re just happy that, no matter what the lame format (see Comedy Central’s description of the show), it’s a standup show on television, taped in a comedy club.

The results, as reported by Media Life Magazine, are in. Last Comic Standing…

…averaged a 3.7 adults 18-49 overnight rating from 8 to 10 p.m. last night, winning its timeslot handily. It also led NBC to No. 1 for the night, well ahead of rerun-laden CBS, with a 3.5 average to the latter’s 2.6.

Lest anyone still wonder why a professional standup comic would subject himself to the vagaries of this “contest,” we remind all that each point represents roughly 900,000 viewers.

Viewer bulletin: Bravo, NBC’s supercilious and mildly effeminate little brother, is re-running the hell out of LCS. Check it out again tonight at 10 PM EDT.

We noticed, from our stats, that people are searching for Jimmy Pardo. We interviewed him. We also did a Question 21 with Doug Benson, but we can’t find it… and the Internet Wayback Machine seems to be down.